Reader Question:
I started dating one of my close friends. Everything was all right until we started to argue more. He said he needed time to think about things but wouldn’t specify what “things” he needed to think about.
After being split up for a week, I decided I would give us another chance. Well come to find out he had gotten back together with his ex-girlfriend the day after we broke up. I told him if he wanted me, then he needed to break up with her.
Ever since then, she has not stopped texting him. I told him he needs to tell her off, but he just won’t do it.
Does he love me? Or is he just immature and needs time to grow up and be a real man?
-Caley (Maine)
Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:
Dear Caley,
I’m wondering if your question might be better worded, “Do I need more time to grow up and become a real woman?”
Let’s take a look at what happened here:
There was conflict and the two of you didn’t have enough conflict resolution skills to find a path back to love. His only tool (a bad one at that) was to cut off the relationship to find some peace.
But clearly he likes having a girl because he latched onto an old girlfriend right away.
You couldn’t wait for him to return, so after merely a week, YOU decided to charge ahead and pursue him. Now you are making demands on him to control his ex-girlfriend’s behavior.
Here’s a wonderful lesson that will help you for the rest of your life: We cannot control anyone’s behavior. We can only control our own.
That may mean learning to control your tongue in an argument or contain yourself during separations.
There were many lessons for you in this painful event. The biggest sign of growth is not making the same mistake twice.
I wish you wisdom, young lady. When it hurts the most, you are growing the most.
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