Why Candid Communication is Key to Overcoming Problems in Bed

The Short Version: A sex counselor with a doctorate in human sexuality, Dr. Martha Tara Lee has been guiding clients through sexual issues for 15 years. At Eros Coaching, she’s heard it all, from “shameful” physical intimacy hang-ups to hidden emotional roadblocks. Dr. Martha helps clients by explaining what they need in a candid, straightforward way. She teaches clients how to express their needs to their partner with confidence, composure, and strength. 

Dr. Martha Tara Lee is passionate about sex. Can you blame her? It’s the one thing that everybody, everywhere, finds value in. But Dr. Martha has taken her passion to the next level by literally becoming an expert in all things sex. 

“I got into it because I saw a gap in Singapore where people were talking about sex in a very statistical way,” Dr. Martha told us. “And then magazines would do the opposite and talk about sex in very contrived ways, like tips, tricks, techniques, clickbait.” 

Either way, words like “pleasure” and “satisfaction” have lost all meaning. 

Dr. Martha wanted to bring meaning back to sex — and to bring it out of the shadows. “What about the other side of sexuality, the part that is real and precious and sacred?” 

For 15 years, Dr. Martha has helped people overcome their sexual roadblocks. She’s earned degrees in public policy and management, communications, and counseling, as well as a doctorate in human sexuality. She’s as passionate as ever about helping clients communicate their needs to their partners in respectful but straightforward ways. 

Dr. Martha’s candid delivery, actionable advice, and deep empathy makes her a unique voice in the sex counseling world. 

Common sexual roadblocks are rooted in emotions 

People will often seek out sex counseling because of a sexual issue, only to realize that the problem may be rooted in something much more emotional. 

“Premature ejaculation, delayed ejaculation, (and) erectile difficulties,” Dr. Martha said, could easily be “due to anxiety or lack of sexual skills that are not of a physical nature.” 

Of course, not every physical problem has an emotional core, which is why it’s important to rule out physical explanations for your symptoms before you chalk them up to stress. See a doctor if something doesn’t seem right with your body. If there’s no physical explanation, counseling could help.

Women’s sexual issues can be even more difficult to pin down, and not just because the problems are usually internalized, so to speak. 

“For vulva owners, vaginismus is a form of inhibited sexuality,” Dr. Martha said. She told us that inhibited sexuality is “the psychological or emotional barrier that prevents individuals from experiencing or expressing sexual pleasure.”

There are common bedroom roadblocks that many people refuse to talk about, like having trouble orgasming or having a low sex drive. People also go to Dr. Martha for help navigating their self-imposed kink shaming, their fetishes, and their desire to experiment with polyamory. “I work with all people with all kinds of sexualities and relationship challenges,” she told us. 

When people go to her for help, “Usually the entry is sex issues because I’ve made a name for myself in this topic,” Dr. Martha said. “Then, as I work with (my clients), I find out that there are other things going on with the relationship dynamics. So then, (the counseling gets) more in depth.” 

If any of these common roadblocks sound familiar to you, you’re not alone. Dr. Martha insists that there’s no need to feel ashamed about problems in the bedroom, because sex counselors “have pretty much heard everything.” 

People appreciate Dr. Martha’s candid communication style because it doesn’t accept shame. Not every sexual problem — premature ejaculation, for example — needs an emotional solution. “These are things that can actually be learned and taught,” Dr. Martha told us. “My clients find it very useful that I treat things in a very pragmatic, straightforward way.” 

It may be easier for some people to open up to a counselor than to their own sexual partner. In this case, Dr. Martha emphasized that the solution is always to double down on communication. 

Foster communication with scheduled relationship meetings 

Dr. Martha works in Singapore, which is where she first noticed a worrying trend of people avoiding meaningful communication with one another. 

“We have this culture of people-pleasing,” she explained. “We consider other people’s feelings, respect our elders, (and value) social harmony.” All these positives, however, can lead to a pretty big negative: the inability to voice your needs in an effective way. 

“When (my clients) do speak up, they swing between being passive aggressive or (just) aggressive.” Hiding your true feelings behind thinly-veiled complaints doesn’t help solve anything. The key, Dr. Martha explained, is to be assertive, not passive-aggressive. 

Assertiveness is defined by confidence and composure. Passive aggressiveness is immature and avoidant. 

“Part of navigating adulthood is learning how to speak up and to learn ways to be assertive,” Dr. Martha said. Seeking her help is a great first step to becoming a more assertive person. 

Dr. Martha’s secret weapon is her no-nonsense delivery, which goes hand-in-hand with her assertive communication style. 

“I’ve been a counselor for 15 years, and people consider me to be quite direct,” she told us. “I think if I didn’t have some balls, so to speak, I don’t think I’d be able to do what I’m doing.” 

People think that because sex happens behind closed doors, communication about sex should also be hidden away. This simply isn’t true, Dr. Martha told us. “The same skills that you apply at your workspace can be applied in your relationship,” she explained. “You don’t shout at your colleagues. Why do you shout at your beloved?” 

Dr. Martha advised couples to discuss their sexual problems the same way they would during a business meeting. “When you have a meeting, you have an agenda. You try to tackle the issues one at a time.”

Schedule weekly meetings with your spouse to discuss insecurities or concerns either of you may have in the bedroom. This way, you can approach these uncomfortable topics with level heads, and with the intent to solve the issue, not shout your way through it. 

“Address it pragmatically, practically, non-emotionally,” Dr. Martha suggested. “Behaviors that are not helpful, like blaming and shaming and guilting and name-calling, we don’t do this at work. Why do we do this with our relationships?” 

Yes, sex counselors have truly heard it all 

Dr. Martha’s direct communication style can help couples address their issues quicker and with more insight into their needs and habits. Sometimes, you just need someone to tell you like it is.

One of the biggest misconceptions about sex counseling, Dr. Martha said, is the assumption that she physically touches her clients to help them understand the cause of their sexual issues. In reality, verbal communication is much more effective. 

“We’re trained. We know what we’re talking about,” she said simply. “We’ve seen many clients of similar backgrounds with the same issues.” 

Plus, every couple needs to understand why they’re having problems and what those problems mean for them specifically. “We are communicating with someone, so we need to talk to them in ways that they can understand,” Dr. Martha explained. This is why she has simplified her communication style. “It’s basically like getting personalized, individualized, customized support to help you get to where you want as quickly as possible.” 

Another common misconception, Dr. Martha said, is how “Because I’m a woman, I don’t understand what men feel.” Her 15 years of experience have pretty much disproven this fallacy. 

“Sometimes I can know what they want to say before they say it, because I can just sense it,” she said. “And also because many clients with a similar issue have said the same thing.” 

Perhaps the biggest misconception Dr. Martha has faced is one we already covered: that people can’t trust her with their supposed “shameful” sex problems. “The reality is, we work with clients all the time, and it really is a privilege and an honor,” she said. “A lot of the time, what they share is actually pretty common.” 

At the end of the day, you shouldn’t let your shame, fear, or insecurities get in the way of a satisfying sex life. “I have had clients who said they know without a shadow of a doubt that I have saved them years of suffering,” Dr. Martha told us. 

They have her candid communication style to thank for that. As Dr. Martha said: “There is really no pride in suffering.”