Baring It All: How Talking About Sex Can Improve Your Love Life 

The Short Version: Dr. Mindy DeSeta’s distinct background as a sexologist with connections to the sex product industry gives her insight into the mental and physical aspects of sex. With her help, talking about sex — to yourself, your partner, and even your kids — can be an emotionally fulfilling experience. 

In many households, sex is a taboo topic. Honestly, I can understand why. It’s the epitome of intimacy and vulnerability. It’s something that usually happens behind closed doors, between two consenting people who share love, lust, and friendship. 

You’d think that experience and age would make sex less taboo, but the truth is, we often end up feeling just as intimidated by sex as adults as we did while growing up.

The problem could be our inability to talk about sex — to put our feelings about it into words. That’s where Dr. Mindy DeSeta of Insight Counseling Center comes in handy. 

Dr. Mindy’s career is about as multifaceted as it gets. She’s a licensed psychotherapist with a private practice, but she also lends her expertise as a sexologist to a sex toy conglomerate that includes popular brands like Yandy, Fredericks of Hollywood, and the Rabbit company. 

Her passion for sex and psychology came from a desire to help people, especially those who struggle to open up about their sexual problems. “I noticed one common theme among almost all of my clients: physical intimacy challenges,” she told us. 

Despite the fact that we all experience ‘intimacy challenges’ from time to time, sex is still a taboo subject. But how can you fix your problems in the bedroom if you never talk about them? 

“A lot of what I do today is help people calm their anxieties around sex so that they can live their best sex life,” Dr. Mindy said. 

Anxieties grow when something goes unsaid. Avoidance is tempting, but it will only make the pain worse in the long run. 

“There was a lot of performance anxiety, male and female related, where they would avoid having sex with their partner or any other people,” Dr. Mindy told us. When this happens, the distance between a couple grows. 

Oftentimes, someone will seek out Dr. Mindy’s help with what they think is an acute problem, only to discover that the problem’s root cause is buried under years of avoidance, trauma, and shame. “We work on fixing the crisis, and then we back up and try to find what caused it,” she told us. 

In her role as a sexologist, Dr. Mindy has helped all sorts of people with all sorts of problems. She named erectile dysfunction and premature ejaculation as two of the most common physical issues she helps clients to overcome. “With vulva owners, you might have pain or an inability to orgasm,” she added. 

Some issues that seem physical may actually be rooted in mental blocks. If a doctor rules out a physical cause of your symptoms, you should consider seeking professional help from a sexual psychotherapist like Dr. Mindy. 

Her advice is to communicate as much with yourself as with your partner. 

Since the shame surrounding sex begins within, getting yourself more comfortable with an open dialogue about sex may help you talk about it with your partner. One example of how you can do this, Dr. Mindy told us, is by reminding yourself of the role you play in your own sex life.

“I think there’s a huge myth out there that our partner gives us an orgasm,” Dr. Mindy explained. “But we have to give ourselves orgasms. It’s not a gift. If we’re not orgasming, we have to look into ourselves to see what’s going on.” 

Maybe you’re subconsciously holding yourself back from intimacy because you’re afraid of giving up some physical control. Whatever the reason, chances are you’ll be able to suss it out with a little introspection. 

A therapist can facilitate the type of self-communication you need to overcome your sexual mental blocks. “I think therapy is a luxury. I think it’s time you actually get to dedicate to yourself and/or your relationship,” Dr. Mindy explained.

Use that time to access your own sexual desires. What do you want? What do you desire? What do you not want or desire? When you know these answers, you can start to communicate them to your partner. 

Dr. Mindy reminded us that “sex is between the ears, not just between the legs.” If your relationship has lost its sexual spark, it may help to access your partner’s emotional side. Ask them, “How can we connect emotionally again?”

Dr. Mindy explained how so many problems people experience in bed are due to a failure to communicate. 

“Maybe they’re not communicating what they like. Maybe they don’t know what they like,” she suggested. Either way, communication — internal or external — could help bring back the romance, even if it’s awkward. 

For example, your partner may think they understand your anatomy, but a lack of pleasure on your part says otherwise. Instead of faking your way through sex, gently give your partner an intimate tour of your body. 

Let’s say a couple in a long-term relationship only recently started to experience issues in the bedroom. Dr. Mindy told us that this isn’t uncommon, as bodies and pleasure change over time. “The sex talk needs to be constant in a relationship,” she said. 

By “sex talk,” we mean an ongoing dialogue about your sex lives, and maybe even your sexual fantasies. “If two people talk about what feels good, what they maybe want to try, what they like, and what they don’t like,” then they’re having healthy discussions about sex, Dr. Mindy said.

When I think of “the sex talk,” I remember the awkward day my mom sat me down to tell me everything about the birds and the bees. Except, of course, she didn’t explain everything because talking about the strictly biological facts of life was awkward enough without throwing words like “pleasure” and “orgasm” into the mix. Women? Talking about pleasure? That’s crazy talk! 

But as Dr. Mindy pointed out, perhaps the best way to establish a healthy dialogue about sex is to feel comfortable discussing it during adolescence. 

Obviously, it’s up to the parents to decide how open they want to be about sex with their children. But it’s possible that your child, even before hitting double digits, has been exposed to all sorts of confusing explicit content on the internet.

According to Dr. Mindy, kids’ exposure to social media and the internet means that they’re probably getting the kind of “education” about sex that their parents wouldn’t approve of. Instagram is full of racy photos, YouTube is brimming with NSFW (or children) content, and other social media sites make connecting with strangers easier than ever before. Then, there’s the accessibility to pornography. 

“Parents should start talking to their kids about sex earlier than I think any parent ever expects, or even earlier than they maybe feel comfortable with,” Dr. Mindy suggested. “The data is showing that parents should talk to their children about porn at age 8.” 

If you’re anything like me, that sentence made your jaw drop. Eight? It sounds frightfully young, but that’s because pornography and the Internet have both become frightfully accessible to 8-year-olds. 

With young, impressionable minds at risk, Dr. Mindy recommends taking a proactive approach to sexual education. “Porn is so addictive that a kid’s brain will become addicted to it, and you won’t know. They’re not going to tell you. And that’s where a lot of the dysfunction starts.” 

Since shame around sex starts in childhood, you may want to make the topic as open and comfortable as possible for kids, so they don’t seek an “education” on their phones. 

Dr. Mindy understands why people may resist talking to their 8-year-olds about sex, but she also understands the reality: Children are constantly exposed to adult themes, and in ways that could cause lasting harm. So you may as well have some control over what they hear and when. 

Taboo is something Dr. Mindy knows very well as a sex therapist. “I get a lot of taboo and stigma in the field where people still get afraid of what I represent. And it really is my whole mission in life to bring out age-appropriate education about sex,” she told us. 

She thinks that increasing communication about sex with our children could make their own relationships happier, healthier, and more fulfilling down the line. Knowledge is power, right? 

Communication at any age can be beneficial to one’s sex life, especially when you have a sexologist like Dr. Mindy to help you find the words.