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Most people in relationships will go through sexual attraction ebbs and flows. As a matchmaking professional, I’ve noticed how one person in a partnership will often be drawn more intensely to the other party. As time progresses, the balance of attraction will switch.
One of my close friends recently said it best, “It’s good to have your boyfriend miss you.” He probably said this as he felt he was doing more of the work to keep the relationship alive. General life experiences and everyday stress can change the energy or chemistry between two people over time.
One of my first ever matchmaking mentors told me about her theory that we as humans go through many soulmates in a lifetime. If we’re lucky, we learn that each relationship has to have a particular balance for it to last.
Just in case you find yourself in a trough with your relationship, here are my top four ways to keep things hot and exciting.
Once I accepted the fact that I could be a sexual being as a gay person despite my religious upbringing, I quickly learned that sexual conversations don’t have to be embarrassing.
In my early 20s, I remember my first boyfriend calling me out because I looked at pornography but avoided discussing the subject with him. I felt like I was caught with my hand in the cookie jar. He told his therapist about it, and he came to the conclusion that I must have felt ashamed of my sexuality.
Now that I look back on it, I really was coming into that phase of my life where I was just feeling comfortable being naked with another gay man.
I didn’t feel sexually attractive, so I’m sure my boyfriend didn’t think I was sexually attracted to him.
All that emotional baggage can make sex tiresome or even monotonous. Sometimes sex is like making the time to go to the gym. The initial task of putting on your workout clothes, packing a water bottle, and driving to the gym seems a bit cumbersome, but once you’re done working out, you feel amazing.
To feel sexually attractive, you must make it a priority to be sexually active with your partner. Just like when you’re learning a new exercise, you may feel like you’re doing it all wrong, but at least you and your partner can learn and laugh together.
Try something new in the bedroom — you never know whether this new thing can invigorate your relationship.
In a previous article, I mentioned how exciting it was to receive a text from a guy I was dating that said, “I can’t wait to see you later” with a smiling devil emoji. I’ll always be a fan of a spontaneous afternoon delight, but it’s also nice when someone takes the time to make you the priority.
Sexual attraction can build when you or your partner find ways to physically connect. Surprise your partner with a subtle come-on or take a more direct route by reliving the first time you fell into bed together. In other words, let your actions tell your partner, “I still find you sexually appealing.”
My clients have often told me they want to date someone who doesn’t play games and knows what he wants. This quality of being forward is sexy to most people and keeps things spicy, in my opinion.
Any personal trainer will tell you that being physically active boosts your testosterone levels. Eating a well-balanced diet improves your mood, libido, and your sex life, in general.
Most people also know that feeling after having a very large Italian meal and how they don’t want anyone to touch them. Imagine feeling that way most days of the week, and how it can demolish the energy of feeling sexy for themselves and for their partner.
I realize that people come in all shapes and sizes, but there is evidence that correlates one’s outlook on sex with their activity level and what they are eating.
During my matchmaking career, I have heard my clients say how they began to feel less sexy and avoid having sex for months or even years because they “didn’t have the body they used to have.”
You do not have to have a model’s physique to feel confident or sexually attractive. However, I do believe that an active and healthy lifestyle contributes to the success of a sexually charged relationship.
A lot of men struggling to find that sexual attraction in their relationship have lost the romance.
I recently got an email from someone who gave a very sad testimony of being stood up on a date. He said that, after reading my book, he had planned everything out and drove well over an hour to meet his date. But the date forgot about the meeting time and went to the gym instead.
We now live in a convenience culture — one of endless text messaging, no phone calls, and if something requires even an ounce of energy, then the other person often ghosts.
If we all valued time equally, listened to each other, and communicated our feelings, the world would be a better place to date. The most successful relationships I have seen over the years involve active listening — you take mental notes on what your partner has said or already done and use it to plan future encounters.
Romance can come in many ways, from remembering your partner’s favorite candy bar or restaurant, to surprising him for a weekend getaway that he’s mentioned he’s wanted to go on many times. These acts of caring step up sexual attraction in most men who are ready for love. Remember not all sexual attraction has to be physical.
Sometimes people can become complacent and too comfortable in their relationships. One person will do most of the work, while the other partner will take for granted the affection he receives. If this sounds like you, try to combat this by recognizing all the things your partner does for you and reciprocate in kind in your own way. Your partner must do the same for you.
Some of the best sex I had was after my partner at the time went out of his way to plan a surprise romantic evening. He acknowledged that he knew I had done the same for him in the past and wanted to return the favor. We didn’t have to prompt each other. We just committed to our gesture, and that’s when our internal endearment billowed into something physical and very special.