7 Tips for Lesbian Dating During COVID-19

Since the pandemic hit, many lesbians and queer women want a girlfriend or partner more than ever. It’s understandable! Most social outlets are gone. You’re probably not hugging your friends and family, so your need for physical affection and emotional connection may be higher than usual.

And, while stress kills some women’s sex drive, others find their sexual needs become even stronger than usual. Everyone needs connection in some form or another. That’s healthy, and it’s wired into us as human beings.

So, what are the best ways to date and connect during these unprecedented times while keeping both your health and your heart reasonably safe? Here are my top tips.

The pandemic may have you separated from other single people for now, but long-distance dating can be fun. Despite the obvious disadvantages, spending time with someone by phone, text, email, and video chat can be enriching and exciting, and it can reduce loneliness and stress.

One way to mitigate the risks of long-distance dating is to chat via video rather than just text each other all the time.

For instance, some women cook dinner together on Zoom or tour museums or national parks together, or they watch movies together and chat about them at the same time.

This is also important because otherwise you really have no way to know who you’re actually talking to. “She” may be a man or a dramatically different age or physical type than she says. Or she may be in a relationship. If she always resists video chatting you, move on.

Talk early, honestly, and often about the kind of relationship you’re each seeking and are available for.

If you want a relationship, say it. If you only want a hookup, say it.

A long-distance relationship can meet a lot of needs, even if you both know it’s not the start of a future in-person long-term relationship (LTR). But the way to avoid heartbreak is not to get wrapped up in thinking it will be a LTR if it won’t.

Learn about her by listening to what she tells you and by seeing if it all adds up.

For instance, if she says “I’m not looking for a girlfriend” or “I’m not ready for a relationship,” believe her.

But, if she says “I’m looking for a serious relationship” yet is frequently unavailable without explanation, believe her actions, too. If something isn’t congruent, don’t ignore it!

Even long distance, it’s important to be careful before getting sexual. Although actual physical risks are eliminated for now during COVID thanks to social distancing, emotional risks are not. Phone or video chat sex, or even sexting, can be intense and bonding just like in-person sex.

Immediately getting physical with someone new can stir up a lot of confusing emotions.

So, make sure you’re both clear on what it means before letting things move in that direction. Does it mean you’re now in a relationship? Does it mean monogamy? Be clear about your own needs, and ask about hers.

Perhaps you’re at high risk for COVID-19, or perhaps you’re close to someone else who is.

Either way, these days it makes sense to really trust someone before meeting in person for anything other than a truly socially distant date.

Be aware of limerence, also known as “the honeymoon phase.” When you start connecting with someone and feel mutual attraction (or even one-way attraction), your brain begins pumping out endogenous opiates.

In other words, you get stoned on brain drugs! When you literally can’t think of anything but her, and when you feel convinced that she’s “The One,” even though you barely know her, brain drugs are at work.

Hormones are flowing during the honeymoon phase and can blind you from what’s actually happening in this new relationship.

And they are very, very convincing. In fact, two women together tend to experience bigger, more intense doses of these brain drugs than couples of other genders and orientations. (This is the reason for the famous joke, “What does a lesbian bring on a second date? A U-Haul!”)

Make wise choices during limerence (which is generally most intense during the first three to six months). There’s no way to stop your brain from pumping out these chemicals. But, what you can stop doing is completely believing the romantic stories the brain drugs tell you.

In other words, sober yourself up a little by reminding yourself that there will doubtless be problems and incompatibilities down the road that you can’t yet foresee. And don’t make big life plans (like moving, getting engaged, or getting married) until at least the six-month mark.

Long-distance relationships can be just as consuming as in-person relationships, so it can be tempting to stop talking to your friends or engaging in your other activities.

I speak from experience. I once spent seven hours on a single day video-chatting with a long-distance girlfriend whom I had not yet met in person. It was a delicious experience, but it was also out of balance. I don’t want the same to happen to you.

If you and your long-distance girlfriend start feeling like you may have actual LTR potential, have some honest conversations. What kind of life do you each want to have? Kids or no kids? Living together? How do you each prefer to socialize? What does a good sex life mean to each of you? How do you each deal with conflict?

Use this long-distance time to truly learn about each other, so you can have a connection based on reality, not fantasy. This will help ensure that your relationship lasts for the long haul.

No matter how much chemistry and compatibility you may have in other ways, the only path to long-term happiness is to have a conscious relationship.

This means learning and practicing the skills to be compassionate, speak your needs clearly, listen to her needs, manage your emotional triggers, avoid criticism and defensiveness, and resolve conflicts in healthy ways.

The pandemic has added another layer to lesbian dating and relationships, but it’s something you can overcome if you put in the work!