I Can’t Move On. How Do I Get Over Him?

I dated a guy for five years. He told me he would get out of his relationship with a guy he was living with for 10 years. We hit it off great and he was happy with me. I don’t know why he just dropped me and told me he would let me know when he is single. He doesn’t email me anymore or call. It is coming around a year and I can’t get over him and move on.

In the gay world, have I been played? Any ideas on how to get over someone you love so much? I was so set he was the right one.

-Dennis (Canada)

Dear Dennis:

I’m so sorry to hear about your loss and what you’re going through. Breakups can be pretty tough, especially one of your duration and investment. Having it end so abruptly definitely shocks the system and can send you on an emotional roller coaster as you try to make sense of it all.

There are a number of reasons for why he behaved this way, but to focus on these possible theories will only serve to perpetuate your misery and preoccupation with him since he’s cut off communication.

Because of this fact, you will never get the hardcore truth of his motivations and to “fill in the blanks” yourself tends to feed obsessive thinking because there’s no evidence to truly back this up.

Your energies will be better spent on identifying the lessons learned as having been a part of that duo and to promise yourself moving forward that you will never become involved with someone who is already partnered or married.

Even if he says he’s “in the process of breaking up” with his second half, don’t do it! This is a huge dating trap because you end up emotionally investing in someone who is not physically and/or emotionally available.

You’ll likely never end up being a priority…and you’ll feel that on a daily basis. There’s nothing worse than being alone in a relationship.

Remember you deserve to be with someone who is enthusiastic about being with you and who reciprocates your love in a committed and consistent way.

You’re grieving now, and there’s no set formula for how to get over someone. Everyone grieves in their own way and at their own rate.

Some of the more common strategies for coping with a breakup include things like staying active in purposeful and meaningful activities, volunteering for a cause you believe in to help put your focus on helping others instead of being fixated on your own suffering and surrounding yourself with the people in your support system.

Journal about your feelings and about what you miss and don’t miss about him. Write him a letter you DON’T SEND to help give you a sense of closure.

You need to begin setting some boundaries with yourself to avoid allowing someone who was disrespectful to you to have so much emotional power over you…it’s not fair to you.

It’s also essential during this difficult time that you not jump into another relationship to medicate the pain. This is usually disastrous as you need some time now to mourn the loss, get to know the new you and begin defining a new single identity so you can avoid carrying unresolved issues into your next relationship.

I might also encourage you to seek out grief support groups and enlist the services of a trained therapist who specializes in gay relationships and loss to help you through this challenging adjustment since it seems it’s been very difficult for you to manage this on your own this past year.

I’d also recommend two books that address coping with breakups written specifically for gay men: “Moving On” by Dann Hazel and “When It’s Time to Leave Your Lover” by Neil Kaminsky.

I’ve also written an article on this in a more depth here: http://thegaylovecoach.com/2005/03/gay-breakups-when-the-rainbow-ends/

Take good care of yourself, my friend, and work hard to focus on strengthening your resilience so you can boost your quality of life and attract someone who is worthy of and available to be welcomed into your heart.

All the best,

Dr. Brian