Therapist Reflects On 40 Years Of Couples Counseling

Women's Dating

A Therapist Reflects on Relationships in 40 Years of Couples Counseling

Chloë Hylkema

Written by: Chloë Hylkema

Chloë Hylkema

Chloë Hylkema has covered hundreds of people, services, and ideas in the dating and lifestyle sphere, all explored through the lens of making dating enjoyable. She has earned her bachelor's degree in English from Emory University and worked on animal rights advocacy issues and research in the past. Chloë is passionate about delivering readers the information and resources they need to forge conscious and self-realized connections. When she’s not writing, you can find her cooking a vegan feast or at the climbing gym.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

Reviewed by: Shanna Ellis

Shanna Ellis

Shanna Ellis has spent over a decade working at online publications as writer, editor, and director of content. The online brands under her leadership have seen coverage from Forbes, USA Today, and Insider. She holds a BA in Advertising and minor in Communication Studies from the University of Florida. Her role for DatingAdvice includes conducting insightful interviews with dating professionals and covering news stories in the industry.

Discuss This! Discuss This!

The Short Version: Linda Bloom LCSW has been helping couples lead healthier relationships since 1975, and while a lot has changed, relationships are facing many of the same stressors they did nearly five decades ago. Linda filled us in on the changes and how modern couples can seek closer connection. 

Don’t tell my parents, but the 1980s were 40 years ago. And a lot has changed since then. My parents are proud Gen Xers and ‘80s kids, and I love hearing stories about the faraway world of feathered bangs, malls as social hubs, and car phones. 

Life in 2025 is different from life 40 years ago, but not everything has changed. In fact, while society may look drastically different, humans are still humans– and humans will continue to do human things. 

And one of those human things is relationships.

Since the 1980s, we’ve seen positive changes that have allowed more people to embrace and explore who they are and what that means for their relationships. 

linda and charlie bloom
Linda and her husband, Charlie, are in practice in Santa Cruz.

But one of the biggest changes, in and out of relationships, has been the explosion of the internet. It’s brought dating to our fingertips, giving us the opportunity to meet new people and seek out exciting experiences. But technology and the internet have also complicated relationships in distinctly 21st-century ways. 

We talked to Linda Bloom, a licensed clinical social worker, about her experience working with individuals and couples to help them lead healthy and self-actualized relationships. Linda and her husband, Charlie Bloom MSW, have been married since 1972 and have been working with couples since 1975.

“Over the four and half decades that I’ve been doing this work, my husband and I have met with couples who are in very deep trouble,” Linda told us. “But if they’ve got that fire in the belly and that commitment to turn things around, that’s the most important thing– the motivation.”

Safe Spaces & Challenging Limiting Beliefs

Therapy has always encouraged safe spaces for clients. Linda said that a feeling of safety and security is necessary for more than effective therapy– we need those things for healthy relationships, too.

While therapy is a safe space, it’s not always going to be a comfortable one. “Safety and security is essential for all successful relationships,” Linda said. “But we have to have challenges, too. Too much safety can be too much of a good thing.”

When we find ourselves in couples therapy, it often means that our relationship, or some aspect of it or practice within it, needs a shift. The safety of the therapeutic space doesn’t ensure you won’t be challenged or uncomfortable. 

Effective therapy spaces are safe and secure, but will challenge unhealthy behaviors or ways of thinking.
While it should be safe and non-judgmental, therapy should challenge you.

“It means that we lead with safety and security first,” Linda said. “We want to send the message that nobody’s here to judge you, nobody’s going to criticize you, and nobody’s going to tell you what to do. We’re going to offer ideas for you to consider.”

Linda said the variety of therapeutic offerings that she offers clients is like the selection of food at a buffet: “If it looks appetizing to you, yum it up. And if it doesn’t, then you let that go.” Linda gives her clients the space to discern their own therapy process

Then and now, couples often begin to consider going to therapy when things in the relationship have reached a boiling point. While starting therapy is a good move regardless of the stage of your relationship, Linda told us that you and your partner should aim to get to therapy sooner rather than later. 

“People are pain tolerant, and they can be in a relationship where they’re not happy for a long time,” Linda said. “The longer you wait, the harder it is– early detection is the best thing.”

Some Things Never Change…

We hear often that therapy has become more popular in recent years, with a growing cultural focus and interest in mental health and wellness. The demand for mental health treatment continues to increase in the United States, and Linda told us she’s noticed one positive trend with this increase.

“What’s really enlivening is that in the 80s and 90s, it was almost entirely women signing up for our intensives and workshops,” Linda said. “It’s shifted, and men call and organize, too. It’s still more women seeking out couples counseling than men, but that is changing for the better.”

When Linda and Charlie started working with clients, marriage was more popular, and couples tended to get married younger than they do today. 

The most common challenges that couples experience concern communication and power dynamics.
Linda told us that the most common relational problems have remained consistent throughout the years.

“There’s a shift now,” Linda told us. “People are not so interested in getting to that level of commitment where you hang in through the tough times, and they’re more apt to let go or allow difficulties to be there without addressing them.”

Linda agreed marriage isn’t for anyone, but the commitment “boost” of marriage encouraged many couples to dedicate themselves to working on and resolving their issues.

While plenty of things have changed, Linda said the core challenges that couples come to her with have remained largely the same: “Struggles about money, sexuality, power, and decision-making.”

Linda told us that in the ‘80s and today, couples often seek therapy because they’re struggling with the dynamics within their relationship. 

Maybe one partner is laissez-faire about how they raise the children and manage the household, while the other partner is stricter. Maybe one partner enjoys spending their leisure time alone, while the other partner desires quality time.

“The top issues, the ones we see again and again, specifically about raising children, these challenges are decades old,” Linda said. 

Linda pointed to another decades-old element of therapy, one that can be particularly important for partners trying to improve their relationship: how our parents showed up for us when we were kids, and the relationship modeling we had in our families growing up.

“We learn so many things to hand down to our children that didn’t get handed down to us,” Linda said. “Our parents gave us the best possible start that they could, but they didn’t learn some of these things. Sometimes, we’re the first generation who’s interested in personal growth and using our relationships as a growth opportunity.”

When you and your partner go to therapy, you’re bringing a lot in with you. You’re not just bringing yourself and your relationship, but the family system that you grew up in, and the messages you received within that system. Therapy includes a lot of learning, and it includes unlearning, too. 

Building on the Core Values

Regardless of how long you’ve been in therapy, or how positively life-changing therapy has been, all of us are works in progress. Remembering this is essential, especially when you’re in therapeutic spaces with your partner or spouse. 

“I’m glad to report that we’re all a mixed bag,” Linda said. “The best we can hope for is that we learn a lot from our mistakes. Because we’ll make a whole bunch. We’ll make mistakes as parents and romantic partners. The thing is not burying the mistakes, and expressing rather than repressing.”

Expressing yourself and your feelings, especially when the situation is uncomfortable or challenging, helps ensure that you don’t find yourself in future months or years feeling as though your needs have been routinely unmet because you did not express them.

Shared interests and a sense of humor are important. But finding compatibility based on your core values is essential.
Be mindful of your core values throughout the dating process.

But we all know this sort of authentic expression isn’t always easy, and can often feel unstable for people who are accustomed to not expressing their concerns. Authentic expression in the midst of challenges is an act of courage, honesty, and integrity, and, ultimately, an act of love for yourself, your partner, and your relationship.

“When I’m doing counseling with people, I encourage them to lift their standard of honesty and integrity, and to grow the quality of the courage to be able to bring up the tough issues and grow the quality of patience and respect,” Linda said. 

“These are core values that I think couples need to find out if they’re on the same page about their core values from the beginning.” 

More than interests or activities, couples should share values. Linda said an open conversation about values should happen as soon as it can in a relationship. While your and your partner’s values don’t have to be identical, they should be complementary. 

“Our values have to overlap for our relationships to sustain us,” Linda said. “There’s not a lot of dealbreakers in relationships that you can’t uncover with an honest conversation about your values.”