Being Single Isn’t Something That Needs Fixing

The Short Version: Singlehood isn’t some kind of temporary state on the way to partnership– and we have to stop talking about it as if it were. A representative from Unmarried Equality filled us in on the platform and how it advocates for equal treatment of all people regardless of marital status.

I’m a firm believer that every person should be single at some point in their adult lives. I’ve been single for almost two years, and those two years have been packed with self-development.

I’ve been able to travel, live in different cities, meet so many new people, and form amazing relationships. I’ve had the time and space to think about my career, navigate those chaotic post-grad years, and find my own way– as an adult, without a partner.

It’s been incredibly empowering. I’ve shown myself I can do everything I wasn’t sure I could do on my own– from finding an apartment to getting involved in the community. 

These two years came after the end of a long-term college relationship. Our lives were very intertwined– we lived and worked together– and I didn’t know what my life would look like without a partner.

My life has only gotten better, despite plenty of low points. I’ve proven to myself that I’m capable, independent, and definitely don’t need a man. Besides the obvious upsides to being single (freedom, flexibility, autonomy, etc.), there’s one transformation that’s only made itself evident recently.

I trust myself. I trust myself to handle problems, big and small, and I trust myself to take care of myself. When things get tough, I know I can rely on myself. That trust has changed everything.

I don’t need to be convinced about how great being single is. But if you look at the culture, it may need convincing. Craig Wynne is a representative for Unmarried Equality, a platform standing up for fairness and equal treatment of all people, regardless of marital status.

Craig talked to us about the best parts of single life, the systematic disadvantages that come with it, and why mainstream attitudes toward single people can be harmful– on a social, cultural, and even legislative level.

“Society at large is very much set up to privilege people who are married or otherwise coupled,” Craig said. “What we really want to do is advocate for fairness and equal treatment, whether or not a person is married.”

Many aspects of society are designed with marriage in mind. Think taxes, Social Security benefits, and bigger social structures. 

“For example, you can leave Social Security benefits to a spouse or child, but you couldn’t leave it to a sibling or close friend, not even a domestic partner,” Craig said. “You have to have that piece of paper that says you’re married.”

Craig said that’s just one obstacle single people face due to their marital status. Single people also face social stigmas and misconceptions about their status.

This could manifest as microaggressions. Craig said single people are often no strangers to comments like:

• “Why aren’t you married yet?”
• “But you’re such a catch!”
• “You’re 35 and not married?!”

Whether these comments are well-intentioned or not is beside the point. They relay the idea that being single means there are problems or dysfunction in your life. 

Comments and questions like these operate on the basis that partnership or marriage is the standard, and anything that falls outside of that is problematic.

Attitudes toward single people are informed and influenced in part by pop culture representations of singlehood. Culture often characterizes singlehood as lonely, isolating, and a sign that something is wrong.

We can look to one of my least favorite movies, “Bridget Jones’s Diary,” for some insight into damaging cultural views toward single people. In this movie, a 30-something played by Renee Zellweger has a career, a beautiful apartment in London, and a family who cares about her.

Her one persistent and overwhelming goal throughout the movie? To lose weight and find a boyfriend. According to the ethos of the movie, finding a partner is a prerogative that outweighs any other goal or accomplishment.

It’s a diminutive and offensive portrayal of single people, specifically single women, and it holds little truth.

“People always think singles are lonely, but I can speak for myself in that respect– it’s just not true,” Craig said. “I can cultivate a variety of relationships, and I have a lot of meaningful friendships that have done a lot more to fulfill me than any romantic relationship has.”

The cultural misconceptions about single people have been informed by ideas about marriage and coupled people. Craig turned our attention toward the work of Bella DePaulo, PhD, a social scientist, author, and expert on singlehood.

Bella DePaulo coined two terms that shed light on attitudes toward singlehood and marriage– singlism and matrimania. 

“Singlism is the stereotyping and discrimination and all the stigma surrounding single folks,” Craig explained. “And matrimania is this over-the-top, overhyped cultural obsession with marriage.”

Singlism is defined as stereotyping, stigmatizing, and discrimination against people who are single. It points out the laws, policies, and practices that favor married and coupled people above singles. Singlism can have a real impact on your social benefits, access to health care, and cost of living.

Singlism is informed by an overemphasis on marriage, which Bella DePaulo coined as matrimania.

Craig pointed to a few examples of matrimania:

• In 2022, the U.S. wedding industry was estimated to be worth $70.5 billion
• The average cost of a wedding in 2023 was $35,000
• The average cost for guests to attend an in-town wedding is $250

You can also look at popular TV shows centered around marriage, like “The Bachelor” and “Love is Blind.” These shows are structured like game or competition shows, with eliminations and competitiveness. The final prize? Marriage.

“Our popular culture perpetuates these stereotypes, about being single and marriage,” Craig said. “It can be hard for single people to not internalize that stigma. Unmarried Equality is trying to educate the public on these kinds of issues.”

The way Craig sees it, the best way to promote equal treatment for single people is to show what living single is actually like. We need to take the derogatory stereotypes that dominate cultural views of singlehood– like the ‘crazy cat lady’– and replace them with stories and images that reflect reality.

“There’s an idea called amatonormativity” Craig explained. “It revolves around the belief that a central romantic relationship takes place front and center in your lives. And, all of the people I know who are coupled, their partner is essentially the center of their life.”

Many people find marriage and being partnered an empowering and healthy way to live. Others may not desire to place a romantic partner at the center of their lives. Singlehood empowers the people who live it to network, travel, and accomplish big milestones with a lot of autonomy and flexibility.

Unmarried Equality’s mission doesn’t just attend to the needs of single people. It also works to improve the lives of people living outside traditional or conventional marriage. If you live with a committed partner you’re not married to or if you’re in a polyamorous family, Unmarried Equality can be an invaluable resource for you. 

If you’re single and not yet embracing it, it’s time to start. Instead of seeing your status as a temporary obstacle, welcome it as an opportunity to learn about who you are and what you actually want.

“Single people have a team around them,” Craig said. “I love Bella DePaulo’s quote: ‘Married people have the one. Single people have the ones– plural.”