How To Kick Shyness Ass

Lesbian Dating

How to Kick Shyness’ Ass

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Being shy is painful. It keeps you trapped and unable to live life and enjoy the endless possibilities that come from meeting new people.

It can be the kiss of death if your shyness keeps you from being able to meet someone and develop a relationship.

Being shy is not the same as being introverted. Introverts are people who have only one or two close friends. They share their inner thoughts and feelings with these close friends and nobody else.

Shy introverts may have one good friend or sometimes no friends at all because being shy keeps them from being able to connect at all.

Nobody thinks extroverts are shy.

Extroverts generally are more verbal than introverts. Extroverts like talking – a lot. They like being the center of attention and love being around lots of people. Extroverts get energized by engaging with others.

Psychology Today defines shyness as “the awkwardness or apprehension some people feel when approaching or being approached by other people. Unlike introverts, who feel energized by time alone, shy people often desperately want to connect with others, but don’t know how or can’t tolerate the anxiety that comes with human interaction.”

That sounds painful doesn’t it? How can you break out of this box and start to make connections?

“Breaking out from

shyness is possible.”

Let me give you a couple of ideas.

The first is to visualize yourself talking to someone else. Create a scenario in your head.

Try this one: See yourself walking up to the barista in a Starbucks. See yourself ordering a latte, and then see yourself saying something to the barista like, “Hey, I really like that top/shirt. Where did you get it?”

See yourself as being and feeling calm. While you are visualizing, create the feeling of calmness.

Now visualize the barista telling you about the top/shirt and thanking you for asking. Now feel that calmness again and ask another question: “Are the brownies/bagels/pastries/cakes fresh today?” Then see the barista answering you. Now go back to the feeling of calm.

Being shy is driven by thoughts and feelings of anxiety at talking with others and being around others. By using visualization (also known as simulation), you start to create more feelings of calmness or peacefulness as you see yourself interact with people.

Start small.

Start with one person and do it over and over. Use the power of your imagination to create a whole new way of feeling.

Shyness as an adult is a deeply formed habit that can be shifted so you can start to interact more calmly with others.

I hope you’ll give this a try. Breaking out from shyness to just being an introvert is possible! I know because I’ve done it just this way.

Imagine using this new calmness when going to a meet-up and start interacting with other lesbians in your community.

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