Lesbian Dating Rule 1

Lesbian Dating

Lesbian Dating Rule #1

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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The first and most important rule to dating in our little lesbian world is know thyself above all else. It seems obvious, but let me tell you that it’s not so easily done.

When you are lonely, frustrated and you don’t want be alone for another weekend, holiday, birthday or vacation without a girlfriend, those feelings can be the tipping point into really bad relationship choices.

When we let these feelings make our choices for us, we’ll hook up with the first “decent” woman who comes along, even when we know she’s wrong for us.

Would you stop doing that, OK?

Every single lesbian I meet and work with tells me it’s really hard to meet women. It doesn’t matter if she lives in New York City or a tiny village in Alaska (though I think the village in Alaska could win the contest for hardest place to find a date!)

In my work as a dating coach, I talk to gay women every day who have no idea who they really are deep inside.

What’s the problem? Well, it means you compromise yourself at the core of your being.

There is tremendous power and peace that comes to the woman who takes the time to really know herself — the good, the bad, the ugly and the beautiful delicious and juicy parts.

Why is this so important that it ranks as Rule #1? Because in our little lesbian-dating world, I see too many women compromise their own identity to be in a relationship and then are heartbroken when it doesn’t work out.

Women are more naturally relationship focused, and with that, you tend to start relationships by compromising yourself.


“Bringing your whole self to your dating life

means you’ll end up with a much better match.”

“And what’s so bad about that?”

OK, let me tell you. A couple of things are really wrong with compromising at the start of a relationship.

First, you’re holding back parts of who you are, and eventually that will blow up on you.

Secondly, you’re compromising because you think at some point something will change about the woman you are dating. Can you say, “Not going to happen”?

When you don’t show up in life and relationships as your true self, that costs everyone. What if you’re not sure who you really are deep down inside? Then you need to take some time to find out who is in there.

Compromise is really important in a committed relationship, but it’s the wrong choice to make when you are dating.

To be clear, this isn’t about what restaurant you eat at or what movie you see together. It’s about compromising on who you are, what you believe in, what you value and what you want to create in your life.

Amputating your dreams, your goals or your values to date any gay girl is just a disaster waiting to happen. It’s a problem that can’t be solved and will end your relationship.

If we sat down to have a chat about dating, could you tell me the five to 10 things that are absolute requirements for you in a relationship?

I don’t mean the color of the walls in your bedroom or what color eyes you want your true love to have. I mean things like being completely out of the closet, trust, honesty, sobriety, monogamy, humor, adventure, respect, passion, financial responsibility, family-focused, independence or maybe commitment to self-awareness.

What’s on your list?

  • Can you tell me your deepest values?
  • Can you talk about what you really need in your life to feel connected and valued in partnership?
  • Does your partner need to be completely out?
  • Does that matter to you and impact your lifestyle.

When you know and own these truths about yourself, you stop compromising on who is a serious candidate for a relationship.

That also means you’re far less likely to jump into bed with Ms. Wrong For You and end up in a mini-marriage that will never make you happy.

Bringing your whole self to your dating life means you’ll end up with a much better match and a much better chance for a long and lasting lesbian love.

If you don’t have a list of requirements, then start one right now. Get a pen and paper, or open up Word on your computer, and get that list going. And take a minute to share your requirements in the comment section.

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