No matter how well-regulated and wise you are and no matter how much therapy you’ve had, the end of a relationship is one of the hardest emotional experiences for anyone to process.
Lesbian breakups can be uniquely excruciating. I’ve seen high-powered CEOs struggle with it. I’ve sat with emotionally experienced pros with 10+ years of therapy under their belt as they broke down in tears in my office at the loss of a relationship.
“I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore,” one woman told me. Other clients have reported being unable to eat or sleep, or fixated on what their ex-partner was doing or if they could be coaxed to try again.
The feeling of devastation and grief can feel impossible to navigate, like it will never get better. Enduring a lesbian breakup may not be easy, but I have some tips that can make it more manageable.
1. Give Yourself Time
During the worst parts of a breakup, time seems to slow; it’s difficult to imagine you’ll ever feel better or even different again.
It’s totally normal to feel that way, and the feeling will likely last until it doesn’t.
Try to give yourself the gift of time. Let yourself (and others) have lower expectations for yourself for a while.
Allow yourself to do less, accomplish less, and feel however it is that you feel, whether that’s sad or angry or numb.
Try to have faith that eventually, you’ll wake up one day and realize that you feel sort of okay again.
2. Be Mindful With Social Media
Social media can be a great way to connect with loved ones and the queer community; it can also be your worst nightmare during a breakup.
If you find yourself unable to stop checking your ex’s social media, or scrolling through their friend group, or trying to do detective work to figure out what they’re up to (maybe they’re dating someone new?), it’s important to find a way to take a step back.
Similarly, if you are struggling to moderate your own posting on social media, venting about the breakup, or seeking attention to distract from the difficult feelings, it may be time to look into other ways of self-regulating your emotions.
This may be a hot take, but there are healthier ways to feel connected to others than social media.
3. Don’t Speak in Anger
It’s tempting to take action to make ourselves feel better when we’re hurting after a fresh breakup. We may feel wronged or victimized; we may be horrified at what our ex revealed about the kind of person they are during the breakup.
Sometimes it’s easy to get caught up in sharing your side of the story. You feel heartbroken, and now you want to feel seen and heard by telling everyone you know — or maybe repeatedly trying to tell your ex — about how angry or hurt you are.
Notice how your mood and activation level fluctuate as you process your breakup. Notice when you feel dysregulated, suddenly enraged, or grief-stricken.
Take notice of anything you feel called to do or actions you feel motivated to take during these moments, whether that’s calling your ex to rail at them or to plead with them.
Are there contingency plans you can make for other actions to take? Maybe phoning a friend or journaling instead will be a good release. Can you plan DBT strategies like meditation or emotional regulation to get through your intense emotions without making hasty decisions?
4. Lean on Community
Many of us find ourselves with a little more distance from our friends and acquaintances when we’re in a serious relationship — whether we mean to or not, it’s easy to get wrapped up in the day-to-day of our partnership. We end up spending most of our time and social energy with our romantic partner.
While breakups can be excruciating, they can also be a time to reconnect with some of the relationships we may have been neglecting.
It’s a time to remember what it’s like to live in a community, rather than in the intensity of a dyad with one person. Try attending a game night or group hang. Check out a queer film series screening.
Remind yourself that there are other people out there waiting for you, and you’re part of the world beyond your breakup or your relationship.
5. Avoid Unnecessary Drama
Moving through the outside world after a breakup can feel fraught — is your ex going to be at the party? What if you see their siblings or friends at the coffee shop?
It can feel wildly intimidating to navigate a social scene that your ex may still be a part of, and it’s true this part can be tricky.
But rather than avoiding other social connections, it’s better to approach this situation by setting clear boundaries with yourself, your friends, and maybe even your ex.
How do you want your friends to treat your ex? Do you need them to stop spending time together or to at least stop telling you about it? Do you want to avoid events that you know she’ll be at?
If there are major events coming up like the wedding of a mutual friend or a popular queer event, it may be worth the discomfort of a brief conversation with your ex to find out if you’re both going to go or if one of you wants to beg off.
While these conversations can feel tedious and frustrating, it can be worth it to avoid the chaos and drama of running into someone you aren’t prepared to see.
6. Approach Dating With Intention
For some people, it feels tempting to dive into dating as soon as possible after a breakup: we want to feel sexy and desirable again, and to be distracted from our difficult feelings.
For others, the idea of dating at all ever again feels completely out of the question. There’s no right way to approach dating again after a breakup, and no single timeline to follow.
The key is to stay tuned in to what you actually feel and want, rather than being dictated by either fear or a desire to escape from your emotional experiences.
Do you feel interested in and capable of connection, even if it feels scary? Do you feel like you can be present in a romantic or sexual context with someone in a way that’s about them, and not about your ex?
Have you spent enough time processing your breakup as a single person that you feel confident you can date because you genuinely want a connection, and not just because you can’t tolerate being alone? There’s no right answer to how and when to date again, but these are some of the right questions to ask.
7. Consider Whether You Can Be Friends
In some lesbian communities, there’s an expectation that you remain friends or at least on cordial terms with your exes.
You might feel some social pressure to maintain cohesion in the friend group or social circle by staying amicable.
It may also feel important to stay friends with your ex on principle or because you can’t imagine them not being in your life any longer.
Sometimes we want to remain friends with someone because we don’t think we can tolerate the pain of actually separating from them — even if that means ultimately signing ourselves up for a lot more distress by keeping them in our life before we’re ready to transition to a different type of relationship.
Healing Is a Process
It’s important to think through what you actually want and what will be most conducive to your fully healing from this breakup. Stay in touch with what you need rather than what you want.
Don’t rush yourself to act like you’re fully over it. Breakups come with a lot of hard feelings, and you deserve time on your own to work through those feelings without worrying about what other people think about it.
Even if you do want to stay connected to your ex in some platonic capacity, consider giving yourself some space and time — perhaps even more space and time than you think you need — before you get back out there.
