Why Christian Singles Should Focus On Personal And Spiritual Growth Before Marriage

The Short Version: Jill Monaco, Christian dating coach and founder of Single Matters ministries, is passionate about helping Christian singles find love by working on a spiritual and emotional level. By focusing on one’s personal health, spiritual growth, and self-improvement journey, Jill guides her clients through the faith-based dating process. 

For those driven by religious values, finding like-minded individuals can be daunting. But as Christian dating coach Jill Monaco knows, the hard part isn’t finding a relationship or even keeping a relationship. The hard part is getting a relationship to thrive. To do this, you have to be able to differentiate between your spiritual needs and your emotional needs. 

Jill’s ministry Single Matters helps Christian singles make authentic, lasting connections with faith at the forefront. Jill brings her personal experience to the table. “Even though I was dating, the other person may not have been in the same place as me emotionally or spiritually.” 

Christian singles at Single Matters can take the time to compare religious values without rushing into a long-term commitment like marriage. Jill teaches Christian singles how to date while staying true to one’s faith. 

“What really made me passionate about starting Single Matters was conversations with friends about not being able to find online resources that were really helpful in the Christian space,” Jill said. Specifically, online resources that teach Christian singles “how to be healthy and whole and prepare for marriage in a way that (isn’t about looks or finances).”

Luckily, Jill told us how to make the process a little easier: Prioritize personal health, foster spiritual growth, and engage in self-improvement. 

You know the phrase “Put your oxygen mask on first”? It’s another way of saying you can’t help — or care for — anyone if you’re not helping or caring for yourself first. 

Jill made a similar point when she told us about the importance of prioritizing one’s personal health. Personal health isn’t just hygiene; it’s the ability to be confident, self-healing, and forgiving. 

“Let’s focus on ourselves and be the one before we find the one,” she said. Ask yourself what kind of qualities “the one” would have for you — but don’t expect perfection. 

After all, being single and Christian comes with a unique set of challenges, including the fact that there’s sometimes an expectation for singles to marry young. If this isn’t for you, make it known right away. People may judge you for being single, but Jill knows exactly how young singles can stick to their guns. 

“I recommend that singles flip the script,” Jill said. One’s love life is a personal topic, so why not respond to nosy inquiries on a personal level? “I’ve had people say, ‘Why aren’t you dating?’ And I’m like, ‘What makes you think I’m not dating?”

Jill mentioned how some Christian singles may find themselves caught between religious and secular pressures. “(Christians) feel like we need to be honest and tell everyone everything and be transparent,” she told us. “But before I walked with Jesus, that was never a pressure.” 

If you’re pressured into marriage or even just into a date by friends or family, Jill recommends shoring up your confidence and standing up for yourself. “If we’re confident enough in ourselves, we can very lovingly say, ‘Thank you so much for asking. I’m working on it,’” she explained. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for your single status. 

Your problem may not be about confidence, but forgiveness — forgiveness for yourself and your actions in a previous relationship, or forgiveness about how a relationship ended. As Jill told us, it’s important to work on “overcoming any kind of area of your life where there’s been unforgiveness, including parents or siblings or friends, because one area of unforgiveness will taint your romantic relationship as well.” 

If gone unchecked, low confidence levels, unforgiveness, and the inability to self-heal can spoil a promising relationship — not only with a partner, but with God. 

According to Jill, one’s relationship with God is even more important than one’s romantic relationships. 

One of a person’s first steps toward long-term love should be “to have a really intimate relationship with God, and just really walk the walk,” she told us. To “walk the walk” is to live the way the Bible instructs people to live.

Jill pointed out a common disconnect people have between their religious values and daily temptations. 

“A lot of people are reading the Bible, going to church, and praying, but they’re getting drunk and they’re having one night stands,” Jill explained. If you want your partner to share your devotion to your faith, take a look at their extracurriculars. 

“I think it’s important to get to know their friend community, and the community in which they live,” Jill said. 

Keep in mind that no one can walk the walk without a few stumbles — and the same goes for you. “You’re never going to be perfect,” Jill reminded us. “You’re never going to have all your spiritual disciplines to the place where you’re good enough.” 

But if you read the Bible, pray, go to church, and journal, then you’re on the right track. “Those are the basics,” she said. 

When it comes to spiritual compatibility, you and your potential partner should be on the same religious wavelength. “I think some of the nuances of Christianity make dating a little more difficult because if someone’s Baptist and the other person’s Catholic, you may just not theologically align,” Jill explained. 

This doesn’t mean a happy relationship is impossible; on the contrary. But if you do want to find a partner who shares your beliefs, doing so is going to narrow your search significantly. You’ll have to recalibrate your deal breakers accordingly. 

“I’ve seen couples where a man is really studying his Bible and the woman is not, or vice versa. That’s not a deal breaker,” Jill said. The real deal breaker is whether the person is willing to grow spiritually. If both of you are able to do so, then the relationship is on much more stable footing in the eyes of Jill Monaco Ministries.

The ability to grow spiritually alongside your partner is essential to a happy Christian relationship. Just as important is the ability to grow as a person before you even embark on a new relationship. 

“If you struggle in singleness, you will struggle in marriage in the same exact areas,” Jill said. It’s a simple but intimidating fact, regardless of religion. 

You can’t expect anyone to grow or change for you if you won’t do the same for them. Jill’s course for single Christians, “From Looking To Loving,” helps people make positive life changes. The self-guided course names emotional and spiritual health as the foundations of a lasting, loving relationship. 

“Am I willing to grow in the areas where I know I’m weak? And will this person inspire me to be a better person? It’s okay if someone’s a little behind you in the journey, but are they willing to grow?” These are just a few of the questions Jill recommends asking yourself as you explore a new relationship. Ideally, your partner will challenge you to grow and change for the better. 

But you have to challenge yourself to grow and change, too. Before starting a new relationship, you need to unpack the baggage left behind from a previous relationship. 

Working to overcome unforgiveness is only one way you can improve yourself; Jill said overcoming rejection is just as important. “If you’re afraid something will happen again, it probably will. We create the world around us that we expect,” she said. 

“We need to overcome our expectations of the worst happening and heal from rejection in the past,” Jill emphasized. As she told us, it’s essential that Christian singles “know who we are in Christ.” 

It’s possible the best way to align yourself with God is to work through your fears — specifically fear of the unknown, Jill told us — “Whether it’s fear of finances, fear of love, or fear of being hurt.” 

The goal is to “get to the point where we truly believe that God is in charge, God is protecting us. If we walk faithfully, we have nothing to fear,” Jill said.