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Plenty of dating advice can be found out there. Sometimes it’s good, and other times… well, it’s not.
I’ve been writing articles for DatingAdvice.com for years now on my own. However, for this article, I thought I’d check in with my colleagues in the industry to see what basic dating advice they have and if they have other ways of expressing some of the same tips I offer.
In this crazy time, we have to remember that our need for connection and love are as great as any other need. So whether or not we’ll be out this spring with each other, there will be a spring coming soon, and we’ll all be looking forward to that spring fever.
Talia Litman is currently pursuing a master’s degree in marriage and family therapy at Mercy College and is training in sex therapy at the Institute for Contemporary Psychotherapy. Here’s what she had to say:
“If a date doesn’t go well, and you’re not going to see the person again, instead of dismissing it as a disappointing waste of time, look at it as a valuable learning experience,” she told me. “What about them did you like or not like? How can this help you in choosing your next person to date, or prioritizing what’s most important to you? Is there anything you could have done to have had a better experience? More comfortable clothes? Different location? Asking to end it earlier?”
This is one of the main lessons I teach my clients. I ask them after every single interaction, whether it’s romantic or not, to ask themselves two questions: “What did I do right?” and “What could I have done better?”
For the first question, we always do something right, even if it’s as simple as opening our mouths. It’s important for us to congratulate ourselves and build ourselves up. You are your own best cheerleader.
For the second question, notice I didn’t ask “What did I do wrong?” The words we use are important. Just imagine, if you could play your date back, how would you improve it.
Remy Tennant is the Founder of DateID.me, and he said:
“I think the best tip is to be as transparent and honest as possible in your online dating profile, assuming you want more than an alcohol-drenched one night stand.
With online dating being so competitive, and users ruthlessly filtering each other out based on things like age and appearance (and much more), it’s extremely tempting to fib in your dating profile so you don’t get excluded.
According to a Psychology Today study, just over 80% of online daters surveyed admit to lying. This is mutually assured destruction, but that’s a different story.
The problem is, while a profile making you look more attractive than you are might get you more first dates, it will certainly not get you more second dates. We all know this, of course, but it can be hard to exercise good judgment when you are feeling desperate and lonely (and, let’s face it, if you spend enough time on dating apps, you will inevitably end up feeling both).
Bottom line: If you want to meet people who will accept you for who you are, do yourself a favor and be as honest and transparent as possible. Post recent photos that are not retouched and that accurately reflect what you look like IRL, including headshots and full body shots, along with your correct age, and height if applicable.
If you have kids or other special circumstances relevant to dating, you might want to share that, too. You’re more likely to meet a compatible partner, and, as a bonus, you can give yourself a pat on the back for doing the right thing.”
There’s not much more to add on this one. We’ve all heard it, but it always bears repeating. I think we are all allowed a little “kittenfishing,” but the further away from the truth you are, the further away from love you are. Someone is looking for someone exactly like you, and the more you obfuscate that, the harder it’s going to be for them to find you.
Frances Kelleher is touted as Ireland’s premiere dating coach as well as an accomplished writer. Here are the insights she gave me:
“Research and study what makes a great kiss! Research from John Bohannon, Ph.D., a psychologist from Butler University, surveyed 500 people to compare memories from their major life events (including losing their virginity), and the first kiss won. It was the ‘most vivid memory in the minds of those being surveyed.’ He said people could recall 90% of the details regardless of how long ago the kiss happened.
Other research reports that 66% of women say they ended a relationship because of a bad kiss. Clients have told me themselves that they were only moderately attracted to guys, but, once they had the first great kiss, they were hooked.
A male friend of mine dates stunningly beautiful women and admits himself he is only average looking, but he tells me his weapon is being a great kisser. If you want to put a love spell on a woman do it with a great kiss.”
I can’t agree more that the kiss is something that can take an OK date to the next level. Every person has their own style, and you may have to adjust your style depending on the person you’re kissing.
I’ve kissed light and tender ladies as well as those who want to eat your face. Adjust appropriately, and you can read more here.
Terran Shea is the Founder of Mutual Match Matchmaking in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, and her top dating tip is:
“If you’ve been dating a while, you will know that having a ‘spark’ on a first date is really quite rare. That fire isn’t often lit until you really get to know someone. With that in mind, be open to a second date and then a third. Most first dates these days are between total strangers.
It takes time to build a rapport and a comfort level that will allow you to connect with a date on any deep level. If you are looking for a long-term, fulfilling relationship, give someone a chance to show you who they really are.”
Everyone is nervous and not completely themselves on a first date. It can take a while for people to feel comfortable and have their best selves shine.
So many of us treat dates as disposable because we can go online and swipe away in the (often misguided) attempt to “find someone better.” Let’s slow down and give people the benefit of the doubt.
Alessandra Conti, Founder and Celebrity Matchmaker at Matchmakers In The City, gave me her opinion on dating these days:
“My favorite dating tip is one word: FLIRT! For some people, flirting comes naturally, but, with most people, they have been conditioned to believing that flirting is a bad thing, and they tone down their naturally playful nature in the workplace.
Turn your work switch off when you are going out or going on a date, and turn your flirting mode on. If the notion of flirting seems totally out of left field for you, it’s time to do a little self-reflection. Figure out what makes you feel playful, sexy, seductive, and attractive.
Everyone has their own flirtation triggers, and everyone has their own flirting style. Once you figure yours out, unleash yourself into the wild!”
Obviously, we’ve heard versions of this tip, but the important takeaway is that we need to bring more play and fun into our interactions. Sometimes people take everything so seriously. Being able to relax, play, tease, and flirt will amp up the chemistry.
Dr. Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., aka The Love Doctor, told me this is what she recommends to her clients:
“Do not tell everything too soon. It’s better to reveal personal information about yourself gradually over time. Many people make the mistake of telling too much information to a date, especially early on in the dating process.
You may believe that you want to lay it all on the table, the good and the bad, so your date knows exactly what they’re getting into or what you’re all about. But, if you tell all early on, your date is likely to feel overwhelmed and think you’re not trustworthy. Studies show that people do not want to hear too much too soon.
It’s called the ‘airplane syndrome.’ When someone divulges excessive amounts of personal information to a stranger. Research has found that these people, who think they’re just being honest and open, are viewed by the listener as not trustworthy because they tell all without really knowing the other person first.
If this person is right for you, there will be plenty of time to unfold. Sharing stories, history, and other information bit by bit also makes you more exciting and interesting to a date.”
I have a problem with this myself. My therapist told me that I have boundary issues in that I have none. I’m a total over-sharer, so I have to watch this myself.
It’s way more fun to discover things about someone bit by bit than just getting slammed with all that info upfront. Be a little mysterious.
Ann Parnes, of Match Made in NOLA, sent me her statement, saying:
“Focus on figuring out whether you like the person you are meeting rather than worrying about whether they like you. It’s normal to feel nervous before a date and wonder whether they will find you attractive and interesting.
However, remember that a date is not a contest where the ultimate prize is approval. It’s an opportunity to meet someone who you could potentially have a relationship with, if there is a mutual connection.
Rather than making yourself crazy over whether they will like you, take the pressure off, and instead focus on getting to know the person in front of you. Do they have the qualities you find most important in a partner?
Approaching the date from a state of curiosity and exploration will make you a better conversationalist, as well as help you feel more relaxed. After all, it really doesn’t matter if they’re into you if you don’t feel the same way.”
Many of my male clients tell me that they worry if the woman is having a good time, if they chose the right restaurant, etc. They forget that this is supposed to be fun for them as well.
If they can relax a little and see if this person is right for them, it lets both parties feel less stressed and hopefully connect through chemistry.
I hope that you all are staying sane and safe out there. I’m very curious to see how the coronavirus pandemic plays out in the dating realm.
But I do know that being kind and loving to each other will never change. See you all on the other side!