When coaching singles, I like to say that dating is a mix of biology, sociology, psychology, and anthropology.
And now it’s also about technology. With the ascendance of AI, it’s reaching into almost every aspect of our lives, including dating and relationships.
So I wanted to give you a bit of a “state of the union” article on what’s going on in my particular industry with AI. I’ll share some background on technology for great context and then dive into thoughts from my interviews with experts in the field.
Background on Technology in Dating
First off, let’s get a quick history of tech, catfishing, and AI before we get into the dangers of Robot Love.
This PSA came out both 25 years in the past AND 1,000 years in the future, specifically, Futurama.
Joking aside, the same arguments are being said right now!
Dinging on new technology by the elders has been a pastime for literal millennia. Here’s one from Plautus in Rome in 250 BC regarding, of all things, the sundial:
Hungry Parasite
The gods confound the man who first found out
How to distinguish hours! Confound him too
Who in this place set up a sundial
To cut and hack my days so wretchedly
Into small portions! When I was a boy,
My belly was my sundial: one more sure,
Truer, and more exact than any of them.
Then, of course, there were the evils of the printing press. A Benedictine monk in the 1500s warned, “They shameless print… material which may, alas, inflame impressionable youths.”
Jumping forward a few hundred years, Buddhism attacks the telephone as “the devil’s instrument.”
Allow me to quote from the Seventh World of Chan Buddhism. “Ideally, anyone on the Path should have his telephone disconnected, with a special ceremony performed as the line is severed. Had the device been around in Siddhartha’s day, the 6th Precept would have been non-telephoning.”
Catfishing Is Nothing New
Nowadays, the biggest concern about AI in dating is its potential for catfishing. Singles won’t know what’s real and who’s a legit date versus a robot messenger.
The term “catfishing” was coined from the 2010 documentary of the same name. In it, the director hears a story about putting catfish in a tank of live codfish to keep them fresh. An outsider pretending to be an insider.
The term is relatively new, but fraud like this has been going on for a long time. I’ll give some context.
In the 1660s, the dauntless Mary Carleton concocted letters and official certificates to steal hearts and money from rich chumps. She used a deck of beguiling identities, from a principled virgin heiress to an orphaned German princess.
The bed trick was a favorite plot device in Shakespearean times, where one person subs for another in the midst of a sexual act. Take that, ye online catfish pikers.
In 1880, a book was published: “Wired Love: A Romance of Dots and Dashes,” which said:
“There certainly is something romantic in talking to a mysterious person, unseen, and miles away!’ thought Nattie, as she put on her hat.
In 1897, playwright Edmond Rostand published “Cyrano de Bergerac,” an unforgettable and timeless story that continues to capture many hearts today. A skilled skirmisher and clever poet, Cyrano uses his talents to woo his distant cousin, Roxane.
Cyrano, who feels insecure about his nose, feeds his poems to Christian, a handsome soldier who is Roxane’s love interest. She falls in love with Christian’s physicality and Cyrano’s witty words. Poor catfishing Cyrano gets friendzoned, to put it in modern terms.
This story was most likely inspired by Thomas Wedders and his prodigious honker. Thomas lived in Yorkshire in the 1700s.
“Quite early in life, George Tracy discovered that if he were to be reasonably happy and prosperous, he must pretend.” So begins a mesmerizing psychological novel by Charles Marriott, published in 1913.
The tale of George’s lifelong obsession with an elusive frenemy named Mary, who has “the key to the side door of his nature,” has long been out of print. It’s remembered chiefly for its title: The Catfish.
Rounding out the 20th century, the Oscar-winning movie “Some Like it Hot” features catfishing (not to mention crossdressing) as its central principle. Who can forget this famous line?!
People lying about their identities to score points with a love interest is a tale as old as time. AI is just making it less about wigs and makeup.
AI Isn’t Actually All That New Either
Now we come to the origins of AI. It goes back farther than you might think.
The phrase “artificial intelligence” was introduced to the world in 1955 when John McCarthy held a workshop at Dartmouth. He is credited with bringing it to become an area of study.
It didn’t come from nowhere. There were “automatons” all throughout history.
In William of Malmesbury’s 1125 treatise, History of the English Kings, a passage that references Pope Sylvester II casting the head of a statue using his knowledge of astrology, having it answer any yes/no question put to it.
“The head of a statue, by a certain inspection of the stars when all the planets were about to begin their courses, which spake not unless spoken to, but then pronounced the truth, either in the affirmative or negative.”
By the 1800s, the advent of electricity and the Industrial Revolution were changing how people imagined their lives. Subsequently, we see a surge in portrayals of artificial intelligence in fiction. Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein, Samuel Butler’s “Darwin among the machines,” and Edgar Allen Poe’s “Maelzel’s Chess Player.”
Then in the 1900s, science fiction meets science fact, and we get true computing, Alan Turing, and IBM’s Deep Blue.
In 1966, an MIT professor named Joseph Weizenbaum created the first chatbot named ELIZA.
In the 2000s, along came Watson, Siri, and ChatGPT, among others. Meanwhile, dating apps like Tinder, OkCupid, and Hinge began using match algorithms that have gotten more and more advanced.
That brings us to now. What is going on in the world of AI in dating?
Adam Cohen of Three Day Rule talks about how he is incorporating AI in his company.
AI can offer significant improvements in how we, as experts, can predict compatibility and understand dating behaviors. But it also has its drawbacks, of course.
As technology gets better, so do the fakes. There is an arms race right now in the dating world to use AI in all sorts of ways. Businesses are coming and going really fast, so I’ll give a snapshot of today.
Currently, at the time of writing, here are a few examples of companies using AI for dating services:
Iris Dating
Iris Dating is a new dating app that boasts of using AI to match its users. If you’re thinking that’s how every dating app works, fair point. But Iris Dating is unique because it’s training specifically on physical markers in photos.
As you swipe on headshots, you teach the app what your type is without having to fill out lengthy questionnaires.
As the Iris Dating team says, “With our AI dating app, you can start your new journey together from a place of mutual attraction.”
YourMove.AI
The homepage proclaims: “YourMove AI perfects your profile and puts your texting on cruise control.” Sounds pretty good.
It uses AI to take your topics or ideas and turn them into three personalized openers ready to copy/paste to romantic interests online. It’s your modern Cyrano.
Volar
All right, Volar is a little more out there on the cutting edge. It puts AI avatars to use so singles have a patsy they can send on a virtual first date and test the waters before actually putting their shoes on and going outside (shudder).
“The new app is just one example of how generative AI has seeped into the dating scene over the past year, with both app developers and people seeking soulmates adopting the technology.” -Amanda Hoover, WIRED
The simulated interactions are similar to mock dates that dating coaches like me run with clients. Except that singles can then review the transcripts of their fake conversations and see if any are interesting enough to merit a real chat.
The team says, “By allowing AI avatars to handle initial interactions, Volar reduces the awkwardness and fatigue often associated with online dating. This enables users to gauge compatibility and interest before engaging in real conversations, fostering more meaningful connections from the start.”
Rizz
Rizz is another high-tech tool that simply tries to recreate Cyrano’s good work at feeding hapless romantics some good lines.
Roman, the founder of Rizz, breaks down exactly what it does:
It takes screenshots and provides quick, witty responses that are specific to that conversation. Ever stuck on what to say next, ask Rizz!
Aragon.ai
AI photos are becoming more common on dating profiles. It’s like Instagram filters on steroids. Suddenly, everyone is poised, posed, and perfectly well-lit. If you can’t beat ’em… send a selfie to Aragon.ai and the algorithm will whip up a beautifully polished and professional-looking photo.
The site says, “Turn your selfies into studio-quality headshots in minutes. Save hundreds of dollars and hours of your time.”
SciMatch
SciMatch claims it only needs a selfie to predict relationship compatibility. Curious? The AI has a variety of intriguing use cases, including using a photo of a celebrity to find a local match who has a similar look.
Co-Founder Vicktoria explained more about the idea and hope behind this AI-powered app:
Of course, the AI is simply making educated guesses, like all apps have done since the very beginning. It’s just a fun way to mix things up.
Replika
This past year, a new AI-companion called Replika gained 10 million users. Users are basically falling in love with a more advanced version of ELIZA, the first chatbot built by Weizenbaum in 1966.
Marketed as the “AI companion who cares,” Replika offers an empathetic ear to lonely hearts needing someone to talk things out with.
Amori
Finally, Amori has dating coach avatars trained to give personalized dating advice and matchmaking help. Well, not really personalized… robotized?
Starting from the left, you can get advice from Christie the Blunt Bestie, who gives “sassy, frank advice that’s straight to the point.” Or Ethan the Wingman will give “spot-on dating tips and make it all a good time.”
Tabitha the Wise Aunt reportedly has sage wisdom that “feels like learning and getting a hug at once.” And Sonya the Love Scholar has a “Ph.D. in the science of dating.” Such diverse perspectives can be beneficial for addressing various types of questions about dating and relationships.
Amori offers these avatars as a good, nonjudgmental resource for singles who might feel hesitant about asking someone they know for advice.
We’ll Keep Our Eyes Peeled for the Next Big Thing
So much is going on! How do you even parse what is going on to be able to know what to use or how to use it? You follow us, of course!
Stay tuned because we’ll continue to watch the trends and explore the good things AI is doing to help folks, as well as the possible pitfalls I hope we can avoid!
