What Is an Energy Vampire? Tips to Set Boundaries & Avoid Takers

What do Toby from “The Office,” Jess from “New Girl,” and Regina Carpenter from “Mean Girls” all have in common?

They are energy vampires!  

And while I love my favorite fictional EV, Colin Robinson from “What We Do in the Shadows,” most are to be avoided at all costs in real life.

But what exactly is an energy vampire, AKA an emotional vampire?

I think we all sort of intrinsically know what one is from our gut reaction, and I’m sure you immediately thought of someone in your life who takes more than gives! These are people who just make you feel lesser after dealing hanging out with them.

It may be intentional or unintentional, but regardless, you’re the one who ends up losing. Let’s look at some of the most common types of EVs.

Everything is always on fire. Everything is happening all at once, and it’s the craziest thing that’s never happened to anybody ever before. Yes, you have problems, but my problems are bigger and I couldn’t possibly…..  

You get it, right? Some people just need everything amped up to 11. Every little thing is a catastrophe that has to be addressed right now and totally needs your help and support. 

I feel drained after just writing that.

There truly are people who think the glass is half empty. I call it “coming from a place of no.” My wife calls it ”yucking my yum.”  

First off, everything is pessimistic, which they might call practical or realistic. But it feels like every time you bring up a positive, they bring up a negative.  

“You know you’re going to have to pay more taxes on your raise now.”  Like, chill, let me enjoy this.  

These sad people are the ones on the apps saying, “ I don’t want…, I’m not the kind…, if you aren’t…”  It can be exhausting trying to deflect all the negativity.

Sympathy and empathy are great. But lying to people to get it is not.  

Some people thrive on constantly being the victim of every circumstance. You were sick? They were in the hospital. Someone was rude to you? They were insulted on the way to work today.  

Everything is a sob story. The whole world is against poor little them. Every situation needs to be turned around to what they suffer and endure. 

They have their flying monkey so convinced that if you challenge it, you can have them fly down your throat.

Everything sucks, everyone sucks, every place sucks. I had a friend like this, and eventually I had to “break up” with her. She rubbed everyone the wrong way, so no one wanted to hang out with her.

She never wanted to go do fun things, meet new people, or anything else. She just wanted to complain about EVERYTHING.  

It just got so exhausting to me to have to carve out time in my week, for her and only her, and have it just be a whole load of negative energy.  

I had to end that friendship. Unsurprisingly, she didn’t take it well.

You can find a lot of these in workspaces. Nothing is ever their fault. 

A good example of this is the current president when asked about the economy, “The good part is my part, and the bad part is the other guy’s part.”  No, it doesn’t work like that.  

You can’t claim both sides. 

It’s always someone else who made the mistake, never them. Even if you point it out directly, they will try to defend why it totally wasn’t their fault.  

If you don’t have the cohones to admit when you’re wrong, well, that’s just a toddler with extra steps.

This one is an expert manipulator. Their thought process can be elaborate mazes of zero accountability.

That didn’t happen. And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.  

And if it was, that’s not a big deal.  

And if it is, that’s not my fault.  

And if it was, I didn’t mean it.  

And if I did, you deserved it.  

Any situation, they try to manipulate a “win” out of it, even if unnecessary.  

Their words are greasy, and you’re never sure if they mean what they say. Trying to read between the lines or figure out their game is too much work. Bye.

Your friends, partners, and loved ones should make you feel full and rejuvenated, not drained! So what can you do to protect yourself from these energy sucks?

1. Limit Your Time

If at all possible, try to reduce the time you spend with them. If it’s family, take more walks. If it’s school friends, make solo plans.

If it’s at work, only interact when you need something professionally answered or done. If it’s a romantic partner, consider breaking up.

2. Establish Clear Boundaries

Knowing how to set up and enforce boundaries is a hugely important part of becoming a happy and healthy person.

Learning that “No” is a complete sentence will get you far in life.

Tell the person when you need space to refill your cup. Let them know when you’re feeling overwhelmed or drained. Ask them to give you a break.

3. Adjust Your Expectations

Figuring out who people are and how not to react to them is also a great skill to acquire. If someone constantly disappoints you with canceled plans, it can help to understand that they are never going to show up for you.

When you see them for who they are, it takes their power to hurt you away.

4. Don’t Get Sucked Into Arguments

They have made their peace with who they are. You need to as well.

“I have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data.” — HeleBorg on X

They are not going to suddenly “see the light” and tell you how happy they are that you corrected them. They also will not argue in good faith. You’ll get worked up, and they’ll just get more and more of a reaction from you.  Go Grey Rock and don’t give them the satisfaction of seeing you upset.

Not gonna lie, some of these hit a little close to home. I do like to be the center of attention, but I try to spread it around.  

I have a lot of energy and get excited, so I could be accused of bringing in a tiny bit of drama. 

If some of these emotional vampire examples sounded a little too much like you, here’s what you need to do:

Express Gratitude

If you find yourself monologuing or monopolizing the conversation or energy, stop and remind people how much they, and their company, mean to you.  

A simple apology goes a long way amongst friends.

Be Aware of Your Relationships

Not every (actually, not any) relationship exists to give you energy. In fact, some of your friends and family probably need some of your energy from time to time. 

“It’s important to understand that friends or social connections serve an important function in our lives, but they shouldn’t be solely responsible for meeting your every need,” says psychologist Brianne Markley, PhD.

Consider Your Stressors

Do you feel under a ton of stress? Does it cause you to lash out, perhaps inadvertently? So many of us are walking around with our stress tanks close to overflowing at all times.  

We need to find ways to empty that tank ourselves, so that we don’t need to suck energy from others.  

Breathing, mindfulness, yoga, journaling, and just being outside can help lower that tank.

Get Extra Help

I got into this field because of my therapist. I have been to many therapy sessions over the years and continue to go for a “tune-up” every now and again.  

Getting mental help, especially for men, is clutch to helping understand your own motivations and making sure they aren’t hurting you in any way.  

As a bonus, you are literally paying them to listen to you complain for an hour! It gets stuff off your chest and allows you some “healthy” energy vampire time!

Some other traits about the EVs:

• They always want to be the center of attention.
• Everything is exaggerated.
• You feel worn out after talking to them.
• You need to psych yourself up to see them.
• They use people without giving anything in return.

Again, these may not be deliberate. It may be someone with unresolved trauma or other issues. 

Folks with certain clinical disorders (depression, anxiety, or narcissistic personality disorder) may unwittingly turn into someone with energy vampire tendencies.