9 of the Worst Dating Tips & an Expert’s Response to Bad Advice

For the most part, humans are built to support each other. We are social animals. We’re physiologically wired to be in communities, villages, and tribes. Our default mode is “Together, we are stronger.” Yes, outliers exist, but for the most part, we want to help each other. Most of the time, this is a good thing.  

“Let me help you share your load!”  

“I’ll celebrate your successes!” 

“I’ll mourn your losses.”

However, there’s one area of our life where some of the advice we receive is off base, sus, or just downright wrong: dating. I think all of us have gotten some dubious-at-best advice from our elders or others wanting to chime in. 

In fact, there’s a whole book series, “The Rules,” about the exact way to “get” someone. (Guess if both authors lived happily ever after. Hint: They didn’t!)

Let’s take a look at some of this bad advice and turn it into good, actionable advice! 

This is my absolute #1 pet peeve. I think everyone has heard some version of this one. I can understand why people give this advice. It’s soothing and hopeful. Good things come to those who wait. 

But the thing is, it’s not true. 

If I wanted to learn German, and you said to me, “Don’t worry, it’ll just happen,” that would be insane!

No, it WON’T just happen. I’ll have to work on it and practice it, just like everything else.

Disney has also played a part in this. Love just shows up in these movies. “Someday My Prince Will Come” was a #1 jam in the 1930s! And all of our grannies just ate that up and repeated it. 

If you want real change, you have to put in effort. If you want to lose weight, you make a plan, you change habits, and you start tracking things. Put some actual effort into dating intentionally — and that will make a big difference.

Some people will say that if you show too much interest, you are needy, desperate, and have nothing going on in your life. I mean, wow. 

If you want to play games, go to Dave & Buster’s. Otherwise, if you feel something, let the other person know. 

I think we as a society have tried to dampen feelings. The phrase “caught feelings” is not a compliment. If you are deliberately trying to play a game, you are not being yourself.

In my experience, you know what people really value? Truth and honesty. When people know exactly where they stand with you, it makes them relax and enjoy themselves.  

I dated a lot of people when single, and I was very open with it. Everyone I dated knew exactly where they stood, and you know what? They appreciated it! If you like someone, and you’re trying to game the system to get them to like you too, it’s a recipe for disaster.

This advice tends not to bring out the best in us. What people mean when they say this is, “Relax and show her your true self; don’t try to play it up or look too cool or be something you are not.”  However, that’s not how people receive it. 

Many people hear this and think, “I don’t have to put in any effort. I’m just going to be the same person I am on my couch or with my boys.”  

Yeah, that’s not going to necessarily work out.

This advice tends not to bring out the best in us.

Instead, be your BEST self. Some people think this is about the “If you can’t handle me at my worst, you don’t deserve me at my best” crap. It’s not. If I was on a job interview, I’d dress up a bit, NOT talk about all the times I screwed around at work. I’d want my best self there. 

Yes, there is definitely truth in being your authentic self, but that is more about showcasing your true values. Not showing how little effort you can put into things.

Ugh. I hate this. Listen, everything is settling. Everything is compromise. 

In any relationship, there will be two ways (at least) of seeing things. Nothing is going to (or at least shouldn’t) unilaterally be chosen for one person. The wants and needs of both need to come into play. Yet you hear so many people say, “I’m not lowering my expectations! I’m not going to settle!”

Here’s the problem: what people hear is that you have to give up your desires.  What most people don’t know, is that their expectations may not be grounded in reality.

For instance, if you want a guy over 6” tall, that’s 14% of guys. If you want a college degree, that’s 36% of guys. If you want both, that is a fraction of a fraction. That’s before even considering age, weight, marital status, and other dealbreakers.

Bottom line: The more open we are to others, the easier it will be to find someone.

Unfortunately, it does not. Without going into too much detail, job opportunities, location, mental health, families, and values all come into play.  You two could be over the moon for each other. And maybe both of you forgo going to college to move in together and just tell each other that you’re in love, and you’ll figure it out.

Well, without a game plan, education, or job prospects, your life will be considerably harder. And yes, maybe you guys will work it out. But it will take a lot of work to keep the relationship going well.

Quick tip: there are no leagues. But yeah, I get it. She’s a beautiful princess, and you’re an ugly ogre.  She’ll just laugh at you and move on.

But let’s not forget our best ogre friend, Shrek. His compassion, sensitivity, bravery, loyalty, and friendship ended up showing Fiona that her previous feelings about what made a good man were way off.

Do you know what women love? Someone comfortable in their own body. Someone who shows genuine interest in them and wants to make them happy. If she thinks your personality is a 10/10, she will want to be with you. For a real-life example, look at Billy Joel. Not what you’d consider attractive, but he nabbed the hottest supermodel of the 1980s!

This is not an excuse to pepper her, rapid-fire, with questions!  I’ve watched guys ask like they’re in a race.

“Where’d you grow up?”  

“What do you do?”  

“Where’d you go to school?”  

They barely wait for an answer before moving on to the next question. 

Instead of making that mistake, listen to what she answered and ask a follow-up question. It shows you are paying attention, and if it’s something she likes, she’ll love to expound on it.

While you don’t need to be in a tailored, three-piece suit, style and image are important. It shows that you care about yourself; you care about how you are perceived. It shows that you are at least moderately tuned into society and tastes.

She’ll see that you made an effort for her, and she’ll want to make an effort for you.  

My advice to single guys: Get at least one of your favorite shirts and bring it to a tailor. A well-fitted garment will showcase you awesomely!

I feel a little bad about this one. When you break up with someone and are sad and heartbroken, your friends try and cheer you up. 

“Dude, she was a bitch.”  

“She wasn’t right for you.”  

“She’s going to die alone.”  

I know they are trying to cheer you up, but your emotions didn’t just evaporate overnight. This is someone you had envisioned some sort of future with.  Don’t immediately go into dissing them.

Now, no one is trying to give bad dating advice. They are, most of the time, trying to be supportive. They’re likely emotion-oriented and not solution-oriented. 

Bad advice comes from the instinct to be kind. It’s usually better to say, “Oh Deckland, don’t worry, you’re young, it’ll happen,” than “Well, you’re kind of a misogynistic prick with no real plan for the future.”  We’re built to support, not necessarily fix. So if you hear this bad advice, just nod and move on.