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The Short Version: Getting into a healthy relationship is tricky when you have an unhealthy relationship with yourself. Dr. Wendy Lyon helps singles and couples work through their confidence issues and limiting beliefs so they can have stronger relationships. She shares advice and resources so you can have the relationship you want.
If you struggle to find quality relationships, you’ve probably been told that you need to “love yourself before loving someone else.” Advice centered on self-care can be annoying when all you want is to be happy in a relationship. You want concrete tips on how to find someone, not vague proverbs about mindset from a person who’s been in a relationship for years!
But there’s a reason maxims about working on yourself while you’re single are so common. Inner work is necessary to find a happy and healthy relationship. If you go into relationships with poor self-esteem and an unhealthy attachment style, you will likely find yourself in an unhappy relationship.
This isn’t to say that you need to be perfect to find love or that people struggling with mental health can’t have good relationships. But if you have unprocessed trauma around your relationships and self-image, you may have a hard time finding a partner with whom you’re truly compatible. You may stay too long in toxic situations without realizing there’s a better way.
Dr. Wendy Lyon has devoted her career to helping singles and couples work through their self-esteem, limiting beliefs, commitment, and communication issues, among other problems. She helps people to clarify their relationship visions so they’re ready to find and keep the love they want. Dr. Lyon has been interested in relationships her whole life, so she earned a doctorate in psychology and taught college courses on relationships, gender, and family. She is now a mentor for the Relationship Coaching Institute and Love in 90 Days University, and she helps clients improve their love lives daily.
“I was inspired to pursue dating and relationship coaching over twenty years ago for personal reasons at first, because I wanted to find my husband,” Dr. Lyon said. “Prior to that, I stayed in ‘fixer-upper’ relationships, where I tried to ‘fix-up’ the guy to be the right partner for me, and that does not work! My advice is to find somebody who is a great match for you and wants what you want.”
Once Dr. Lyon started taking her own advice, she met her husband. They’ve been happily married for 17 years, and she uses her life experience and training with five coaching programs to help her clients learn and grow.
“My mission is to help more people live the life they love with the love of their life,” Dr. Lyon told us.
Before getting into a healthy relationship, you need to be confident enough to put yourself out there. You need to believe in yourself enough to go on dates, and know that even if you face disappointment or rejection, you are still an attractive and worthy partner. Additionally, you should have enough confidence to pursue potential partners who you actually want to be with instead of getting stuck in a relationship in which you’re unhappy.
Dr. Lyon said she believes that many singles need to shift their identity from being the chosen to the chooser. Don’t just wait for someone to pursue you and avoid vulnerability. Get comfortable with potential rejection as you look for the relationship you want. “You get to decide and choose somebody who is a match for you,” Dr. Lyon said. “That entails saying no to what you don’t want – you want to feel empowered that there are choices out there. Don’t just take whatever shows up.”
To seek out your ideal relationship, you need to know what that relationship looks like for you. You may be inclined to wait and see who you have chemistry with, but that will likely set you up for an unaligned relationship.
“Take the time to identify what is right for you,” Dr. Lyon told us. “Focus on deeper things like shared values and a shared vision for the future, open communication, and honesty. I recommend people be very discerning and screen out those who are not a match; most people you meet will not be your soulmate, and that’s okay.”
Working with a relationship therapist or coach can be a great way to improve your confidence and talk out what you actually want in a relationship.
Dr. Lyon offers several comprehensive programs for singles and couples who want to better understand themselves and their relationships so that they can finally enjoy lasting love. Whether you’re ready to see a coach or therapist or would rather work through your struggles independently, her programs are a great place to start working on your relationships.
You can look at her Roadmap to Relationship Success from her book, “Roadmap to Success” with Deepak Chopra. The road map can help you uncover harmful beliefs that sabotage your relationships and guide you to discover how to change patterns that are destructive to you. You’ll learn how to transform your limiting beliefs and create lasting successful relationships. This free road map works for both singles and people in relationships.
Dr. Lyon also offers a “True Love Guide.” This free video training includes a conscious dating quiz that can help identify what stops you from love. Once you learn what’s holding you back, you can learn specific strategies on how to show up as your best self and attract your ideal partner. The guide is free on Dr. Lyon’s website.
If you want something a bit more interactive, consider Dr. Lyon’s group program on conscious dating, The Love Path. Dr. Lyon guides successful singles on a love path which is a comprehensive way to dig deep and create the confidence and clarity you want. You can reach out to Dr. Lyon directly about joining her next course.
While you can find several resources that are effective for anyone seeking love through Dr. Lyon, she doesn’t believe that there is only one way to find your person. Once you’re confident and clear about what you want, there are many ways to date consciously. Whether you want to date online, in person, or through friends, you can find a meaningful relationship.
“I recommend starting by doing whatever you’re comfortable with,” Dr. Lyon said. “Just work on having a positive perspective first. Get yourself in a good space; don’t show up on or offline believing, ‘I’ll never find anyone’.”
Dr. Lyon has seen her work truly transform her clients’ lives. She told us of one woman, a recent participant in Dr. Lyon’s group program, who initially struggled with her self-esteem, and had disappointing relationships with men who treated her poorly. She was telling herself she would never find love. Still, she gave working with Dr. Lyon a shot.
“She shifted how she saw herself and realized she’d believed she didn’t deserve love,” Dr. Lyon said. “Through our work together, she was able to change her beliefs and feel deserving of love. She also got very clear about what she wanted. It didn’t take her long to find the best relationship of her life.”
After years of helping clients achieve their ideal relationships, Dr. Lyon said she is proud of the positive change she’s had on so many lives. “It’s so rewarding to see the impact,” she said. “Sometimes I get invited to weddings, and I even get pictures of babies.”
Working with a specialist can help you prioritize yourself and get over the self-esteem issues that are holding you back. You’ll be amazed at how much easier dating becomes when you go into it with high confidence and a secure attachment style. You’ll find better partners and have an easier time navigating your relationship once you get into one.
Ready to start working through your relationship struggles? Work with Dr. Lyon! The first 10 people to sign up for a love consultation with Dr. Lyon from this article can get the consultation for free. Head to her website for more information.
“Booking a love consultation is an opportunity to get some personal support to help you clarify your goals for your life and for your right relationship, and to identify the blocks stopping you,” she said. “You really can create the life you want.”