Reddit’s algorithms recently pointed me toward a subreddit called Waiting to Wed, probably because I frequent subreddits where people share their relationship troubles and ask for advice. (What can I say, I mostly became a dating writer because I love other people’s drama.)
The Waiting to Wed subreddit has pages and pages of posts where people — mostly women — are wondering why their partner hasn’t proposed. And one term comes up over and over in the responses from people who have been there: “future faker.”
There’s no textbook definition, but I would describe a future faker as someone who says all the right things about a future with you…but changes course when it’s time to actually move toward that future.
These people are time wasters of the worst kind because they make you believe in a happily-ever-after that will never come.
Defining a Future Faker: All Promise, No Follow Through
Maybe your partner says something like, “I’m so excited to move in with you, I can’t wait until we can fall asleep together every night and cook dinner together and decorate a place that feels like ours.”
But when you actually start sending them apartment listings or asking questions about their budget or the neighborhoods they want to look at, they shut down, brush you off, or turn things around so you feel you’ve done something wrong by asking.
A future faker says they want a commitment, but they don’t take action to move forward in the relationship.
Another example would be a partner saying they can’t wait to marry you. But when you bring up a timeline for getting engaged or make an appointment to go ring shopping, they’re suddenly pumping the brakes or moving the goalposts. They come up with excuses like they can’t think about getting married until they buy a house or until they turn 40.
Future Fakers vs. Slower-Paced Partners
The good news is that you might have a pace discrepancy rather than a future-faking partner.
Last year, I read a blog post by Dr. Alexandra Solomon, host of the podcast Reimagining Love, that really stuck with me. It was about “pace discrepancies,” where one partner is ready to advance the relationship (the faster-paced partner) and the other isn’t quite there yet (the slower-paced partner).
I reached out to her for this story to ask why someone might say they want a future and then pump the brakes. Is it always dishonest future-faking? Not necessarily.
“The process of talking about creating a more interconnected life or interdependent life can activate deep old wounds that likely come from a family of origin,” she explains. “They can create inside a person this fear of ‘if we get too close, you’ll leave me, I’ll disappoint you, I’ll lose myself.’”
She notes that it’s easy to daydream, but stuff becomes real when you’re looking at apartment listings or engagement rings.
“That can create fear or trepidation inside of both people. But the slower-paced partner, they may layer onto that feeling a story that says ‘my fear or nervousness must mean this decision is wrong’ versus ‘I’m a little nervous because this is big.’”
5 Signs You’re Seeing a Future Faker
A slower-paced partner and a future faker can look a lot alike. They might even say some of the same things. How can you distinguish between someone who doesn’t ever want to get married, someone who doesn’t want to get married right now, and someone who doesn’t want to get married to you?
I asked Solomon, and she said a big sign is how a partner talks about commitment in general.
1. Future Fakers May Talk Negatively About Friends’ Relationships
Are they positive and hopeful when they’re talking about other people taking relationship steps like moving in together and getting engaged? Or do they put down marriage (like Chandler in “Friends” before he proposed), or do they use terms like “ball and chain” or “whipped” to refer to married friends?
2. They Have Dreams of a Future Where You Don’t Fit
A future faker may talk about a dream scenario in the future where you’re together and happy. But how realistic is it? Think about the practicality of their ambitions and if you’re a good fit for it.
Do you see yourself in their plans? When they’re talking about their next career move or a city they want to live in, does it feel like you’re part of that vision?
3. There Is a Disconnect With You
Solomon says to pay attention to how invested they seem. She listed some specific cues that a partner is checked out:
“The person across the board is pretty disengaged with you: they’re not talking about how much they like you, they’re not talking about plans to go to dinner together on Friday, they’re not reminiscing fondly about the past you have together, they aren’t able to have difficult conversations.”
4. They’re Using Promises to Control You
Relationship coach Susan Trotter, Ph.D., also points out some differences between a future faker and someone who’s simply nervous about a big step.
“They’re using promises about the future as a way to keep a partner hooked.” — Susan Trotter, Ph.D.
“The future faker is more often being intentionally manipulative and deceitful, focused on power and control and how someone can meet their needs in the present. They’re using promises about the future as a way to keep a partner hooked in,” she says.
5. Future Fakers Don’t Want to Address Issues
A person who isn’t manipulative but is struggling with future planning is more likely to want to address it, says Trotter. “They might experience distress about it because it’s interfering with the relationship. A future faker is more likely to get upset that their partner is confronting them, rather than concerned with the impact of their behavior on their partner.”
Long story short: If they’re generally disengaged with you, speak negatively about other committed relationships, and get upset when you bring up the idea of taking the next step, they’re probably future faking.
How to Address a Future Faker
It’s super painful to think that your relationship is moving forward only to have the rug pulled out from under you. I’ve been there, and I felt really embarrassed about it. I wouldn’t blame you if you decide to end the relationship.
Trotter suggests seeking a coach or therapist to help you sort through your feelings. “Talking with family and friends can also help with confidence and be grounding so the person doesn’t internalize their partner’s issues,” she says.
Trotter suggests talking with a partner about the impact of their behavior and paying attention to how they respond. If they get defensive or say something meant to make you feel guilty for bringing it up, that’s your sign to leave. Trust your intuition.
“Ultimately, it may be best to end the relationship if the person recognizes that their partner is being manipulative and never going to follow through with their promises for the future,” she says.
How to Deal When There’s a Pace Discrepancy
A pace discrepancy is when your partner does want a future with you but doesn’t have the same feeling about when it’s right to take that next step.
As Solomon points out, a slower-paced partner’s hesitation probably has very little to do with their relationship.
“It’s actually about the slower-paced partner’s feelings about themselves,” she says. “What the faster-paced partner should suss out is if the constraint is the slower-paced partner’s sense of self or definitions of success. That’s a very different situation than someone who doesn’t want to get married to you.”
She notes that the faster-paced partner is probably dealing with a core fear that they’re getting strung along. And because of that, they might come into the conversations about the future with some heat.
“That creates a cycle where the slower-paced partner feels like they’re on their heels, they’re on the defensive, and that’s going to make them hesitant to engage because it confirms their fear that they’re a disappointment,” she says.
If you’re the faster-paced partner, consider coming in a little less hot. Something like “It would mean a ton to me if you could figure out ways to talk to me about what feels exciting about this next chapter” might yield a conversation that doesn’t feel as fraught.
After saying your piece, drop back a little and give them some time and space to do so.
Lead with vulnerability. You can tell them, “The reason I even want to talk about living together is because I’ve never felt this way about someone in my entire life. I love you and I believe in you, and I see so much goodness in you and in us.”
Future Faking Sucks, But Sometimes Hesitance Can Be Valid
“Future fakers are most likely to get upset when their partners want to move the relationship forward based on future plans that had already been mutually discussed,” says Trotter. “Their behavior is more about power and control. Narcissistic personality traits are often associated with future fakers.”
A slower-paced partner is a different thing. It’s someone who otherwise shows up in the relationship. They just might have some hesitancy around actually taking the next step.
It’s understandable if you want to break up with them, but this isn’t the same as future faking, since they do want a future with you, just on a different timeline.
