A Popular Polyamory Advocate Is Debunking Common Misconceptions

The Short Version: Leanne Yau’s blog, PolyPhilia, started out as a fun side project, but has since transformed into a modern movement aimed at debunking commonly-held misconceptions about polyamory. PolyPhilia answers any questions you may have about polyamorous relationships, from the role sex plays to the frequency of infidelity. 

Polyamory, a word once only whispered, is now in the mainstream — or closer to it, thanks in part to Leanne Yau and her blog, PolyPhilia. 

As one of the internet’s most popular non-monogamy educators, Leanne knows her way around an eye-catching TikTok and a compelling Instagram reel. Drawing from her experience with polyamory, Leanne shatters stereotypes about the oft-misunderstood lifestyle. 

“The prevalence of it in the media and news means that people are at least aware of what it is,” Leanne said. 

Leanne described polyamory as being a “relationship style, practice, and identity.” 

“(It’s) whenever someone has a desire to be in loving relationships with multiple people at the same time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved,” she explained. “Crucially, it’s multiple simultaneous relationships rather than one at a time, as with serial monogamy.” 

An essential characteristic of polyamory is honesty, according to Leanne. “Nothing is swept under the rug,” she explained. “Things are explicitly discussed and consented to.” 

Loving relationships? Knowledge and consent? Surely these words can’t be related to polyamory, the relationship style that has shouldered more judgment than Miss Universe. But according to Leanne, polyamory can be just as loving and emotionally fulfilling as monogamy. 

Of course, you should understand what polyamory really means before you embark on your own poly journey. 

Infidelity and polyamory have long been confused for one another, when in reality, they couldn’t be more different. Infidelity implies deceit; when done right, polyamory is defined by honesty. 

In a polyamorous relationship, both sides agree to not be exclusive, so the threat of infidelity isn’t even a factor.

Consent is key to making a non-monogamous relationship — or any relationship — happy and fulfilling. “In that sense, it’s a very big departure from infidelity,” Leanne pointed out.

Plus, everyone has a different definition of infidelity. “I don’t think every monogamous person agrees on what cheating is,” Leanne said. “I think most people can agree that sex outside the relationship is not good. But what about flirting? What about having friends of a different gender? What about watching porn?” 

Gray areas are always uncomfortable in a relationship. In a poly relationship, necessary communication makes gray areas few and far between. “(Polyamory) is not cheating because the rules are different,” Leanne explained. “Everyone gets to decide what their relationship agreements are.” 

Once a taboo topic, polyamory is now something Leanne urges people to discuss openly. When the conversation is finally out in the open, people can start to understand why non-monogamous relationships can be just as fulfilling as a more traditional partnership. 

One of Leanne’s goals is to change the public perception of polyamory, and she already sees evidence of her success in her website’s comment section. “I think people have definitely matured and become more nuanced in their perceptions of non-monogamy,” she told us. 

When she first started posting about polyamory, she had to do a lot of what she called “misconception-busting.” Thanks in part to her efforts, her audience has developed a newfound appreciation — and curiosity — for polyamory. 

There was a time when a woman with multiple romantic partners would be called all sorts of derogatory names, “promiscuous” being one of the kinder words.

Leanne emphasized how polyamory is about love, not just sex — “amore” is in the name, after all. 

It’s important to note that a polyamorous relationship isn’t when each individual in a long-term relationship has multiple sexual partners. It’s when you have multiple committed romantic relationships. 

“Other types of non-monogamy typically involve one primary romantic partner and then multiple casual sex partners. Polyamory is the one type where there isn’t just one romantic partner,” Leanne explained.  

Another common misconception: “That polyamorous people are polyamorous because they can’t control themselves, are bad at monogamy, or are irresponsible or untrustworthy,” Leanne pointed out. 

In actuality, it’s possible that an open relationship fosters truth and communication, making everyone involved a more thoughtful partner. Leanne seconded this idea. “You actually need to be a pretty organized, responsible, and accountable person to be able to do this successfully,” she said. 

She continued, “People would actually be quite surprised at the level of emotional maturity required because you’re not half-assing one relationship. You’re full-assing multiple relationships.” 

On her website, Leanne busts other common misconceptions: No, polyamorous people aren’t trying to manipulate monogamous people. No, a polyamorous relationship doesn’t consist of just three people. 

Yes, it’s common and healthy for jealousy to rear its ugly head from time to time. And yes, it’s totally possible for you to fully love multiple people at once. Why wouldn’t it be? 

People participate in long-term, monogamous relationships because we all feel an innate desire to connect with another person at the deepest level. For many people, physical and emotional intimacy is the very meaning of life. Does it lose its power if it’s stretched across multiple relationships? 

“People have traditionally linked monogamy, exclusivity, love, and marriage as synonymous terms,” Leanne pointed out. “In non-monogamy, you have much more freedom to reimagine what love, commitment, and devotion looks like without the element of exclusivity.” 

Since starting PolyPhilia in 2020, Leanne’s passion for demystifying the once-taboo lifestyle has only grown. “I still focus on making bite-size, short-form, visually accessible content, so that at the very least, it gets people talking,” she said. 

Her online presence can be felt on Instagram, TikTok, and even YouTube. “It puts the word (polyamory) in people’s minds, it gets it on their screens rather than a book or article that people are just going to look at and end up feeling overwhelmed,” she explained.

Leanne plans on becoming a sex therapist so she can educate people on all matters of intimacy. “Sex therapy is going to be part of (the PolyPhilia mission),” she told us. “It also operates as its own independent thing if I want it to.” 

“When I started in 2020, polyamory was just starting to become part of the zeitgeist,” Leanne said. “And now there are 40 other people who do similar work to what I do.” 

It’s possible that quarantine gave people more time to reflect on their relationships and the way they want to give and receive intimacy. 

“People have been able to try things that they didn’t have the opportunity to try before, or never really sat down to think about.” 

Leanne credits the pandemic for inspiring people to explore their sexuality. “During the pandemic, so many people wanted to radically change something about their lives, their jobs, their relationships,” Leanne explained. 

When you’re ready for non-monogamous relationships, Leanne suggests connecting with a community of like-minded people. “I think the community aspect of polyamory is something that a lot of people find appealing,” Leanne told us. This is thanks in part to lingering pandemic-era loneliness. But another part could be attributed to a basic human need to connect on a physical level. 

“When I started making memes, they really blew up in a very short space of time. I was getting thousands of new followers daily,” she told us. As her popularity skyrocketed, Leanne spent increasingly more time keeping up with demand for new content. 

“I was getting so many requests for content, and a lot of people called in for advice.” This is what inspired her to make PolyPhilia her new life’s mission. 

“I’m excited to be educating the masses about how there are more options than just monogamy. That’s been my whole journey, and I intend to do this as long as I can.”