Women's Dating

Yes, Your Boyfriend Lied. Now Here’s What to Do About It

Susie & Otto Collins

Written by: Susie & Otto Collins

Susie & Otto Collins

Susie and Otto Collins are relationship coaches and authors as well as soul mates, best friends and lovers. Since 1999, Susie and Otto have been sharing their message with men and women all over the globe about how to attract love and keep the spark alive. They are the authors of "Automatic Attraction Secrets," "Magic Relationship Words," "No More Jealousy" and many other books, audios and programs. Find out how to create and keep a happy and lasting love relationship with Susie and Otto Collins’ free ebook "Passionate Spark~Lasting Love."

Edited by: Amber Brooks

Amber Brooks

Amber Brooks is the Editor-in-Chief at DatingAdvice.com. When she was growing up, her family teased her for being "boy crazy," but she preferred to think of herself as a budding dating and relationship expert. As an English major at the University of Florida, Amber honed her communication skills to write clearly, knowledgeably, and passionately about a variety of subjects. Now with over 1,800 lifestyle articles to her name, Amber brings her tireless wit and relatable experiences to DatingAdvice.com.

See full bio »
Discuss This! Discuss This!
Advertiser Disclosure

Even though it destroys trust, we all lie sometimes. Lies range from “little white lies” to “big whoppers.”

The reason people lie varies, too.

We lie to avoid conflict, to save face, to pretend to be something we’re not and to hide actions we’re ashamed of or that have broken an agreement.

When your partner lies, it’s not always because he’s cheating.

After catching him in a lie, take the time to get clear first. Get clear about what you know about the lie and the larger context of your relationship.

Lying often happens when one person (or both) feels unsafe telling the truth. This might be because of the other person’s jealousy, frequent arguments or past experiences that sent that message.

When you acknowledge your partner may be lying because of safety and trust problems in your relationship, this does NOT mean it’s all your fault.

He is responsible for lying and you also need to actively work to create an environment that promotes honesty and doesn’t prevent it.

The words you use when your partner communicates with you can help create a sense of safety and openness, even when you don’t like or agree with what he’s saying.

Use these four phrases to send the message it’s safe to be honest:

1. “I love you and…”

It’s tempting to follow up anything – including a statement of love – with the word “but” when talking about a sensitive subject. “But” feels like a negation of the words that come before it.

Substitute “and” instead, which helps your partner stay open and know you truly care.


“When you are upfront about what you

want, that’s what you tend to get.”


2. “Please tell me more…”

Get into the habit of being curious with your partner. If you feel triggered or worried about what he is telling you, ask for clarification in a way that isn’t blaming or accusatory.

3. “Help me understand…”

Another curiosity phrase that keeps the conversation open and promotes honesty is a request for help. Ask your partner to help you understand instead of launching into a criticism or a dismissal of what he’s said.

4. “Here’s what I’d like…”

When you are upfront about what you DO want more of in your relationship, that’s what you tend to get.

You can even use this phrase to create an agreement with your partner that banishes lying.

“Here’s what I’d like. I’d like us both to feel safe being completely honest with one another. What can I do to help make that happen?”

Advertiser Disclosure

DatingAdvice.com is a free online resource that offers valuable content and comparison services to users. To keep this resource 100% free, we receive compensation from many of the offers listed on the site. Along with key review factors, this compensation may impact how and where products appear across the site (including, for example, the order in which they appear). DatingAdvice.com does not include the entire universe of available offers. Editorial opinions expressed on the site are strictly our own and are not provided, endorsed, or approved by advertisers.

Our Editorial Review Policy

Our site is committed to publishing independent, accurate content guided by strict editorial guidelines. Before articles and reviews are published on our site, they undergo a thorough review process performed by a team of independent editors and subject-matter experts to ensure the content’s accuracy, timeliness, and impartiality. Our editorial team is separate and independent of our site’s advertisers, and the opinions they express on our site are their own. To read more about our team members and their editorial backgrounds, please visit our site’s About page.