“Needy is Normal,” According to this Relationship Coach

The Short Version: Ever been called needy? Podcast host and relationship coach Ali Jackson says you shouldn’t take it as a bad thing. Ali talked to us about why you shouldn’t shy away from your personal needs and how strong boundaries bring the right people in– and ward the wrong ones off.

I like to believe that a lot of things that are really challenging at the moment will, eventually, be funny. When I was 19, I took a cross-country road trip with one of my best friends, and our journey was full of hilariously frustrating situations.

Just to name one: As we were heading south through Atlanta, my car’s dashboard suddenly shut off, every dial dropping to zero. We were going 65 mph in the second-to-left lane. We pulled over, called my dad, found a mechanic, and added a whole day to our trip.

It had all the makings of a horrible day. But the absurdity of it wasn’t lost on us. We weren’t even two hours into a 20+ hour trip when our car gave out completely. We had planned so much for the adventure, but there was no planning for this. 

It was funny just how bad it was. My friend and I spent the day putzing around the neighborhood by the mechanic shop, stumbled into a stellar vegan restaurant, and couldn’t stop laughing about the way we both reacted when the car “shut off on the highway.”

Sometimes, if you don’t laugh, you’ll cry, and it’s OK to do both. Especially when you’re talking about dating (or, honestly, car trouble). If most things are funny eventually, infusing some humor into the situation at the moment can be helpful.

That’s exactly what Ali Jackson does every day as a podcast host and relationship coach. She’s the host and founder of Finding Mr. Height, a podcast where she shares her story and helps other women through theirs. 

Ali’s philosophy hinges on being honest about what you need. If you’ve ever been called “needy,” you know the label can sting. But Ali says there’s nothing to be worried about: Needy is normal.

“Everybody has needs,” Ali said. “It’s just about figuring out what yours are, what the most important needs are, and then communicating those needs to other people so you can fulfill them.”

Ali’s known in the dating and relationship space for her relatability. And you don’t just become relatable overnight. Ali’s own dating journey has been filled with transformations, including a few approach adjustments. 

Ali was single, dating, and in need of other single friends. She wanted people who understood her situation and the experiences she was having in a deeper way than her non-single friends could. She started posting videos to TikTok and Instagram, where she would share her truths about dating.

“I was like– here’s what I’m doing, and here’s what I’m learning,” Ali said. “I shared what I’ve learned about myself in therapy and through relationships, and how I approach dating. It started resonating with people.”

The bottom line of Ali’s approach is dating on purpose. You should be thinking about how you’re communicating your needs, how you’ve historically approached dating, how you want to approach dating in the future, and, very importantly, how you’re approaching the people you’re dating.

People started going to Ali for advice, and that’s when she realized her story was making others reconsider their own dating experiences and approaches. “I realized that the expertise I’ve gained from my own personal experience is valuable,” Ali said.

2018 was a defining year for Ali. “My dad passed away in 2018,” she told us. “We were really close. The whole family was close. He had cancer and was sick for quite a while.”

Ali spent a lot of time talking with her father in the last years of his life, and she said her dating mindset experienced a major shift. She was thinking more critically and intentionally about the kind of person she wanted to be with.

“Realizing that my dad wasn’t going to meet the person I would end up with made me want to have really intentional conversations with him about what he wanted for me and what I wanted for myself,” Ali said. These conversations changed everything.

“I started approaching dating in an intentional way,” Ali said. “I’m looking for somebody who’s going to meet all of these things that I want, who’s going to love me for me, and be somebody my dad would have really loved.”

One of Ali’s favorite phrases is “Needy is normal,” and we bring different needs to every relationship we have. You need to know what your needs are from a potential partner, and date accordingly.

As you’re thinking about what you expect from your partner, also think about what you expect from yourself and other people in your life. No one person can fulfill all of your needs, and dating in search of somebody who does will only lead to disappointment. 

You need to discern what needs you can fulfill yourself, which ones can be fulfilled by friends and family, and which ones are fulfilled by your partner. After you know your needs, the next crucial step is communicating them, honestly and from the start.

A lot of the time, that communication looks like boundaries. 

“I had two psychologists on the podcast last week, and they both hammered home the same thing: boundaries invite closeness,” Ali said. “If you think about boundaries as a way to bring people closer to you, rather than push them away, it’s a lot easier to communicate them.”

Boundaries are about your needs, not other people’s needs, wants, or actions. They’re an articulation of your needs. When you express your boundaries to someone, you’re inviting that person to get to know you better. Every boundary exists for a reason, and exploring that reason can bring you closer to your partner.

“If someone’s constantly saying something that’s hurting your feelings, it’s about saying you don’t like that, and you’re inviting that person to get closer to you by knowing and navigating that,” Ali said.

The right people will be curious about and respectful of your boundaries. If someone isn’t, they aren’t worth seeing again. Expressing your needs is a great screening tool; if someone is serious about dating you, they will care about that conversation.

“It’s telling someone this is what you need to feel safe and loved,” Ali said. “And, hopefully, that person will come closer to you and do that.”

When you’re ready for and want the real thing, it’s frustrating not to be able to find it. It doesn’t help that being single often comes with plenty of unsolicited opinions. 

The old mantra “You can love yourself until you love someone else” can feel markedly untrue when you know you’ve done (and are doing!) the self-work you need to do. “Yeah, I love myself plenty, thanks,” Ali quipped about the adage.

Desiring partnership isn’t a sign that you’re somehow displeased with your life. The desire for close relationships is part of what it means to be human and it’s definitely not something you should shy away from. 

“The biggest thing for me in helping people with their love lives is that I want you to love your whole life,” Ali said. “And your love life. It’s really important to be able to do both and know that both can exist at the same time. You can both love your life and be intentionally looking for a partner.”

Ali’s in a relationship now, but her co-host is single. She said that brings a levity to the show that a lot of single people, especially women, can relate to. The pod sounds like girl-talk between two close friends, trying to figure out the ups and downs of dating apps, situationships, and breakups.

Even from the earliest stages of a relationship, opportunities will arise for you to express your needs and set your boundaries. When they arise, seize them. They’re opportunities for closeness, connection, and better relationships. 

Don’t be afraid of messing something up by stating what you need.

As Ali’s mom always told her when she was young: “If it’s right, there’s nothing you can do wrong. And if it’s wrong, there’s nothing you can do right.”