Sexuality Stereotypes Influence Dating Culture for the Worse

When I was 15, I told a friend that I was interested in him romantically. He let me down gently. I didn’t know why he wasn’t into me, but I later learned it was because he assumed I was devoutly religious (I was not). We went to a Catholic school, and I dressed in vintage (re: modest) clothing. Little did he know that had more to do with my style than my values.

Months later, we realized the misunderstanding. We dated on and off for the next few years.

When it comes to dating, working off assumptions can give you the wrong readings of people. Individuals are so much more complicated than their basic demographic information or first impressions. There’s a reason dating experts recommend going on three dates with someone before making a judgment call; you simply can’t know how truly compatible you are with someone before then.

For those who aren’t straight or cisgender, it can be even easier to make dating decisions based on stereotypes, or decisions about how to present yourself. You’re constantly being presented with stereotypes about what it means to have your sexuality or gender identity. Trying to fit into these, even when it isn’t natural for you, can feel like a way to find community.

Gay culture podcast Gayish is tackling the stereotypes within and about LGBTQ+ culture. We spoke to co-host Kyle Getz about how stereotypes can complicate gay dating and how LGBTQ+ see themselves within the community. Kyle and his co-host Mike seek to explore where these stereotypes come from, the truth and fiction behind them, and how they influence life for gay people today. Their book based on the topics of the podcast, “You’re Probably Gayish,” is coming out soon.

“We grew quicker than we expected to, just because I think a lot of people don’t totally feel like they fit in with the gay community or do exactly the things that they’re supposed to do as a stereotypical gay person,” Kyle explained.

Many people feel that they fit comfortably within gay dating and cultural norms, but still, many people don’t, and they deserve to feel accepted within the LGBTQ+ community.

Many people – both gay and straight – think they can tell whether someone is straight or not. We usually call this their “gaydar.” And while people have some ability to judge strangers’ sexualities, they’re by no means consistently accurate.

“There are a variety of studies out there that all seem to indicate that people can do better than average, better than flipping a coin, whether they’re gay or not, determining whether someone is gay,” Kyle said. “But while there is some amount that we can tell if people are gay, it’s not to the extreme that you know if someone is gay just based on looking at them.”

These inaccurate assumptions can have negative effects for queer (and straight) dating. People may assume they know someone’s sexuality, and incorrectly conclude they are interested in them. You may pass up someone you have a great connection with simply because you misidentify their sexuality. 

Some LGBTQ+ people also struggle to develop their personal identity based on what they really want and not just stereotypes placed on them by other people. They may make assumptions about themselves or how they should act instead of doing what feels right and accurate for them. 

It can be really tricky to be out about your sexuality and figure out who you are as an individual all at once.

Many young gay people “grow up in the closet and live their lives basing their decisions – their likes, dislikes, how they act – based on other people’s expectations of them so that they can fit in and stay safe,” Kyle explained. “When you come out, that doesn’t just stop. That doesn’t just go away.”

Kyle shared that, when he was younger, he sometimes found himself playing up gay stereotypes that didn’t really align with him. “I know all the rules of football, but I pretended like I didn’t just because it was funnier,” he said. “And that’s what people expected me to do.”

Different relationship structures have become normalized in the past few years, which is wonderful. Everyone should feel as free as possible to have the type of relationship that feels right for them, whether that means a queer relationship or a non-monogamous relationship.

But according to Kyle, as polyamory and open relationships have become more normalized among gay men, monogamous queer daters may have a hard time finding people who want the same thing. Just like Bowen Yang’s Howie on “Fire Island,” many gay men feel lonely or uncool in wanting to find a committed and closed relationship.

“As more people have realized [non-monogamous relationships] are an option, that’s both allowed more people the flexibility to build a relationship they want, but it’s also grown invisibility for those that don’t want it,” Kyle said. “They think that no one else wants monogamy anymore; I hear that a lot. I think that’s not true.”

Kyle suggested that finding people who want the same relationship structure as you may come down to taking a good look at where you meet partners and the social circle you surround yourself with.

“You have to ask yourself, where am I meeting people?,” Kyle said. “If I’m meeting people on Grindr, then of course, I’m more likely to see open relationships show up there.” 

If you’re struggling to find people who want the same type of relationship as you online, consider switching dating apps or seeking out dates IRL. Singles’ events and clubs can be a fun and sweet way to meet both potential partners and queer friends.

Gay men in particular also face quite a bit of pressure and stereotypes around sex within their relationships. “Gay men are expected to want to have sex all the time,” Kyle said. “Just like straight relationships, people fall into good times and bad times with their sexual partner. Just because you’re a gay man does not mean that you will be having sex every single night with your partner.”

Some stereotypes within queer dating may come from internalized homophobia or other forms of discrimination, such as racism, classism, or fatphobia. These prejudices can be just as toxic as they are coming from mainstream society, and when you see these coming from a date or social group, take that as a good cue that they aren’t your people.

No matter how well-intentioned you may be, you’re always making assumptions about the people and circumstances around you. A cashier’s facial expressions seem warmer than their coworker’s; you try to get in their line. It’s impossible to constantly reserve your judgment. Sometimes, you make snap decisions.

For both straight people and queer people, sexuality-based and gender-based stereotypes can seep into the way we interact with strangers, friends, partners, and ourselves. It’s impossible to completely free yourself of bias, but when possible, try to reserve judgement on new people in your life until after you get to know them as unique individuals. 

Just because someone presents as more feminine or masculine doesn’t mean you know their sexuality or their values within relationships. Just because someone seems more or less involved in the queer community doesn’t mean you know their sexual, romantic, or relationship  preferences.

Knowing about facets of queer culture can help you better understand queer history and participate in the queer community. But when it comes to making decisions about individual people, your assumptions will frequently be wrong.

“When you bring it down to the individual level, you can’t apply some of this research to an individual person,” Kyle said. “That’s where stereotyping comes in: trying to apply a blanket rule to an individual person based on no other information.”