He Cheated and I Want to Talk with Him. What Should I Do?

I met my ex-boyfriend while living abroad and, according to him, it was love at first sight. Everything went wrong when we moved in with his parents. We would constantly fight, we became insanely jealous, we’d even get physical. On Christmas he decided to go on a trip with his friend. He met another guy who he had sex with. He accepted he cheated on me, but that wasn’t the reason he didn’t want to be with me anymore. I went back and confronted him and it was not the person I knew anymore who I saw. It was a hateful and resentful guy who wanted nothing to do with me. I would like to be able to have a conversation with him again. I just want to be able to be in peace and somehow let him know I loved him with everything in me

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What should I do?

-German (California)

Dear German,

Thank you for writing, and it sounds to me like you’re still in the throes of grieving your breakup.

In an ideal scenario, both amicable partners would sit down and discuss their relationship by reviewing their strengths and weaknesses and processing their feelings about what went wrong.

The hurt you are feeling for the loss of your relationship is very real, and you will need time to work through these emotions.

That being said, I am glad to hear you are now safe. Physical violence in a relationship is never acceptable. This is not love, and it is the ultimate sign of disrespect and invalidation of your significance as a person.

While your desire to reach out to your ex is understandable with the loose ends you’re feeling, I would advise against placing yourself in such a position.

It may be helpful for you to work with a therapist to help you with the grieving process you’re in and to help you better understand your participation in the dynamics you had with your ex so they don’t repeat in your next involvement.

I might also recommend the “letter-writing” strategy for working through your feelings of grief. Here, you would write your ex a letter detailing everything you would like to have said to him in person.

DO NOT SEND THE LETTER. This is for your own therapeutic benefit only and is intended to give you a sense of personal closure.

Then destroy the letter through some type of commemoration ritual.

During those challenging times when your mind begins to wander back to thoughts of him, remember to retrieve all those reasons why it’s best you are no longer together anymore to help you through those rough patches.

I wish you all the best with this process, my friend. Take good care and remember you deserve to be with someone who respects you!

Best,

Dr. Brian

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