Defining Celibacy in the Dating World

When’s the right time to sleep with a new partner? This age-old question has fostered heated debate among dating coaches, religious organizations, and friend groups alike. 

But for some people, the answer is simple: Never. 

Celibacy — avoiding sex and sometimes romantic attachment — is not new. Some people have always chosen to remain unpartnered, whether through a formal organization that forbids sexual attachment or on their own.

The ways and reasons people choose celibacy in the modern age are shifting, which, in turn, shifts the dating world as a whole.

Celibacy is a legitimate and, in some cases, freeing choice, but it’s important to consider what it means for you and the dating landscape. I’ll walk you through the state of celibacy as it is today.

Celibacy is the practice of abstaining from sexual activity, both temporarily and long-term. While definitionally, it focuses on sex, some people also avoid romantic connections and choose to focus fully on life as a single person.

Famous Examples

Plenty of people are and have been celibate, some claiming celibacy as an identity, while others don’t discuss it directly. Lenny Kravitz has confirmed that he has been celibate for years, and he considers it a spiritual practice.

Perhaps most famously, The Smiths’ frontman and rock star Morrissey was known for his celibacy in the 1980s and ‘90s.

Many other celebrities have claimed celibacy for a time, from Orlando Bloom to Tiffany Haddish. Some see it as a way to decenter sex in their relationships, while others use it as a way to reconnect with themselves.

Historical Context

Celibacy is most often associated with religion, specifically clergy in the Catholic Church.

In his epistles, St. Paul suggested that celibacy was morally superior to marriage, though marriage was an acceptable solution if one were to have sex otherwise. In the eleventh century, Catholic priests were banned from marriage.

And while people have always had sex outside of marriage, until the mid-twentieth century, celibacy until marriage was the norm. In some cultures, it still is. 

Just like people get into relationships for different reasons, people choose celibacy for many different reasons and in many ways. 

Personal Growth and Self-Discovery

Celibacy can be a way to focus on one’s emotional health, self-awareness, and personal development. 

Those who are celibate but still dating may desire to build a stronger emotional or intellectual connection before becoming physically involved.

And while we don’t believe in “testing” your partners, seeing who is willing to forgo sex for a strong emotional connection can give you a sense of who is willing to put in the work to be with you.

Spiritual or Religious Beliefs

Many people are celibate for religious reasons. They may be part of a religious group — like a Catholic nun or a Buddhist monk — or they may remain celibate to pursue their spiritual learning on their own.

Still, more people choose to remain celibate prior to marriage for religious reasons, as is taught by most major world religions.

While it’s more socially acceptable to have sex outside of marriage now, most devout Christians, Muslims, or followers of many other religions will try to avoid sex before marriage.

Healing from Past Relationships or Trauma

After a bad breakup or a serious trauma, some people choose celibacy as a means of regaining a sense of control and autonomy before engaging in a new relationship.

Even those who are in an existing relationship and experience a trauma — especially a sexual violation — may choose to avoid sex for a while, or even permanently. Sex is incredibly vulnerable, and pursuing it before you’re ready can be extremely triggering.

Health or Medical Reasons

After experiencing physical or psychological health issues, some individuals choose celibacy. Some health problems, like endometriosis, can make penetrative sex painful, while other health issues can take away one’s interest in sex.

While celibacy is a perfectly good choice for those experiencing health complications, note that penetrative sex is not the only way to have sex.

If you still desire sexual intimacy but can’t have intercourse, consider other means of sex — like oral or mutual masturbation — that may be more pleasurable for you.

Modern dating norms emphasize instant gratification and physical attraction, and they’re burning young people out of sex and dating altogether. Since the COVID-19 pandemic, many Gen Z singles have never started dating in the first place, making it that much harder to start now.

Impact of Social Media

It’s no secret: Social media promotes sexualized content. We’re all for sex positivity and encouraging people to post whatever they want regarding their own bodies.

But when that isn’t something that appeals to you, the pressure to sexualize yourself online can feel overwhelming. At times, it feels like sexualization is the only option for being an interesting, attractive person more generally.

Fortunately, the flip side of social media is that small groups can build community and platforms easily. Influencers, bloggers, and online communities are normalizing celibacy, giving people attracted to this lifestyle a sense of support and guidance.

Stigma and Misconceptions

There are, unfortunately, some common stereotypes about celibacy that make becoming celibate an uphill battle, especially for young people.

Choosing to remain celibate — especially in high school and college — can lead to people assuming that one is overly serious, naive, or unattractive. They may judge celibacy as something strange or extremist. 

The stigma around celibacy is real and likely to stick around for the foreseeable future. That’s why it’s so important to surround yourself with people who understand your values and support your celibate journey.

While not everyone does, you can absolutely date while celibate. But it’s important to have a game plan so you date the right people who align with your values.

Communicate Expectations Early

You should bring up celibacy early in a dating relationship. Not everyone wants that, so it’s important to make sure you don’t waste your time. 

It doesn’t need to come up immediately (though it can). But by the second or third date — when you might start having conversations about intimacy generally — you should set clear boundaries and expectations for what the relationship can look like going forward.

Don’t Cave Into Pressure From a Partner

Your partner may misunderstand the significance of celibacy for you, and they may expect it to be more temporary than it is or more situational. Stick with your guns about celibacy, and if you start to feel any uncomfortable pressure from your partner, take it as a sign to part ways.

The bottom line is, no one should ever pressure you into anything, especially sex. Period.

Set Boundaries That Feel Comfortable to You

There’s no one way to be celibate, though there might be one way that works best for you. Figure out your personal boundaries. Do you like to hold hands? Kiss? Communicate what works for you to your partner, and if it’s something you’re still figuring out, keep them in the loop.

Be Respectful of Other Viewpoints

Your partner needs to respect your celibacy, but you need to respect their relationship with sex, too. This absolutely does not mean compromising on your values or what you’re willing to do. 

But it does mean understanding if your views on sex end up being too incompatible for a relationship or if they’re uninterested in becoming celibate, too. Celibacy is not inherently morally superior to sexual activity, just as being sexually active is not inherently more fulfilling than being sexually active. 

Celibacy can dramatically improve your life. There’s a reason it’s a major part of many recovery programs: Celibacy makes it easier to think clearly and improve your relationship with yourself.

Strengthening Emotional Connections

Celibacy can foster deeper emotional intimacy and connection by focusing on non-physical aspects of the relationship. 

Many people start relationships solely based on physical attraction. While love can absolutely come later, attraction can hide the fundamental emotional disconnect in a couple. Celibacy allows you to connect with your partner mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

Improved Communication

Without the distraction of physical intimacy, celibate daters may communicate more effectively and authentically. Some couples distract themselves from flaws in their relationships through sex.

Celibacy takes away this means of avoidance and forces you to genuinely work through any issues that arise.

Fostering Patience and Mindfulness

Celibacy encourages patience, allowing individuals to slow down and thoughtfully evaluate relationships before becoming physically involved. You won’t sleep with someone just because it’s the next step; you’ll only take a relationship to that level if you’ve decided that it’s important to you.

And if you’re a fan of period romances like “Pride and Prejudice”, you know how much passion and interest can arise from taking it slow. Sometimes, the most intense relationships are the ones that haven’t been physical yet at all.

Personal Empowerment

Setting a goal and holding yourself to it is a joy, and it can make you feel extremely empowered. For me, that goal was running a marathon (the best day of my life). For some people, it’s choosing celibacy and sticking with it.

Practicing celibacy can provide a sense of control over one’s body, values, and choices, leading to greater self-respect and empowerment.

Celibacy isn’t always easy — sometimes we all want connection. Below are some roadblocks you may contend with should you choose celibacy.

Navigating Attraction and Desire

There may come a day when you’re attracted to someone and think: Should I break my celibacy for them? Depending on your relationship with celibacy, that may be a good reason to break it, or it may constitute going back on your values. Do some soul-searching before making a decision.

Loneliness and Isolation

If your friends are having sex, you may feel left out. They may not understand your values as a celibate person, or you may simply wish you had the companionship of a romantic partner. 

Try to find a celibate community so that you can connect with those who understand what you’re going through.

Perceived Lack of Compatibility

It may feel like there are no other celibate people to date, especially if you aren’t religious. While more people than you’d think are celibate, it can be a difficult thing to select for.

Consider finding a celibate community to date within, or asking friends to specifically set you up with other celibate people.

Pressure from Society and Peers

People may not support or understand your choice to abstain. They may assume something is wrong with you, or nudge you toward relationships. 

It’s not your responsibility to educate them — try your best to ignore the haters and move on.

Celibacy is becoming more common, and it’s here to stay.

The Rise of Graysexuals

More people are realizing they’re graysexual — people who experience low sexual attraction — or are only moderately interested in sex. It’s become socially accepted.

Generally, young people are having less sex, and they’re more accepting of nontraditional relationship structures.

Emerging Communities and Support Systems

Online communities that cater to celibates are on the rise. While these became famous with the toxic “incel” community, many positive celibate communities are making celibacy accessible.

There are plenty of reasons you might choose to be celibate, and there are plenty of roles that celibacy can play in your life. 

Sex and dating can be hard, and pursuing them as goals can sometimes lead to losing sight of your values and the types of relationships you want. Celibacy can be a hard reset, forcing you to consider what matters most to you.

Still, remaining celibate can be outside the mainstream, creating difficult conversations among your friends and family or potential partners if you do choose to have some romantic connection. But intimacy is not only about sex, and you can have wonderful relationships without sex.