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Mary Gorham Malia
Can two lesbians be in love and not compatible? Love is one thing and compatibility is another, so the quick and dirty answer here is hell yeah!
We’ve all watched or been that couple who fought like two cats meeting up on a fence at night, and cat fights are some of the nastiest.
Love is a crazy combination of biology and behavior. Our hormones are an amazing mix of chemicals that create all kinds of feelings, attractions and behaviors, and what we call love is certainly one of them.
Science has discovered there is a love drug – a high potency cocktail of hormones that fires up what we call chemistry or attraction and gets us stuck to each other chemically and emotionally even when we can barely get along with each other and hardly know each other.
What’s sexual attraction got to do with compatibility? Absolutely nothing!
Our search for love and compatibility is driven by our deep need for acceptance and meaning through human contact and connection. It’s that place of being with another human being where we feel safe right down to our core.
Ultimately that’s what we are looking for when we think of love – a deep abiding sense of safety and acceptance that isn’t going away.
“You need to focus on what’s
great about your lover.”
Compatibility is being able to get along. It’s not about personality traits or even liking the same things. It’s about being able to deal with the day-to-day things of life, and that includes sex, money, your relationship and kids.
It’s a willingness to do the work of getting along and negotiating as you go along what will and won’t work for each of you. It’s a commitment to deep respect of yourdifferences as individuals who are creating a relationship together.
The most compatible couples are those who are willing to see each other through rose-colored glasses forever and always.
That’s a skill set anyone can develop with practice and commitment – to take your eyes off the fact your partner burps, leaves messes around and watches football incessantly and focus on the fact she cooks dinner for you when you have to work late, does laundry really well and is as committed to saving money as you are.
Compatibility is about what you focus on in a relationship. I can tell you from personal experience what you focus on grows in power.
When you focus on what doesn’t work or the not so happy spots in your relationship, that place is going to look worse and worse for you.
If you focus on what does work and what is great about your partner, the tension of the hard spots eases up. With practice, what’s good grows and blossoms.
It’s not that either partner is perfect. It’s that they don’t focus on that. They don’t give a lot of energy or thought. They’ve embraced that no one is perfect, including themselves.
You don’t need a college degree to learn how to get along. You just need the determination to ignore what isn’t working and start to focus on what does work and what’s great about your lover. Keep that front and center.
Incompatibility drowns out love. Don’t let it. It really doesn’t have to be that way.
Photo source: midliferocksblog.com, 3poundsofrealestate.com, people.theiapolis.com