Why Instant Chemistry Isnt That Important

Lesbian Dating

Why Instant Chemistry Isn’t That Important

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Chemistry is important. You want to feel attraction for the lesbian you’re dating.

The truth is it’s not always going to show up immediately. The other truth is it shouldn’t be the leading factor for dating a woman.

Often when you first realize you are lesbian, it’s because a woman showed up and you found yourself irresistibly drawn to her.

You could have been 6 or 60 years old, but that energy of attraction told you something important about yourself.

Another way to think about attraction is the idea of chemistry.

As you accept that you are attracted to a woman or to women as a whole, chemistry becomes the big clanging school bell that our culture says must be present to define a budding romantic relationship.

Attraction or chemistry often gets put in the position of being the number one reason to go out with someone. If you don’t feel an immediate spark of chemistry, you say no.

Are you perhaps shooting yourself in the foot by holding on to the belief that immediate chemistry equals a good relationship? Ummmm, yes you are!

However long you’ve been out to yourself, you’ve already come to realize you are not attracted to every lesbian out there. Just because you are lesbian and another woman is lesbian doesn’t mean there’s any sense of attraction at all.

But what if you were to start looking for something besides instant attraction or instant chemistry? What if you were to ask yourself if you find this woman interesting?

Do you like her energy, her sense of humor, her experiences and her goals in life? What if you spent time with her based on these things and kept open to the idea that attraction can grow?

“Chemistry is just one part of what

makes a long-term relationship.”

Attraction can grow and chemistry can show up over time.

I’m a witness to this fact. I’ve had the instant chemistry thing happen. But guess what? It didn’t mean we were meant to be together forever.

But I’ve also had a strong attraction to a woman awaken in me over time, and wow has that been a wonderful surprise.

It’s also likely that you’ve dated someone hoping to have chemistry and it didn’t happen. The more time you spent with her, the less you felt attracted to her. It happens.

If attraction wanes right at the start, get out. It’s a message you should listen to and honor.

Hanging in with a new relationship where chemistry disappears right off the bat isn’t a nice thing to do. Be honorable and a grown-up and end that relationship.

This is a common occurrence with relationships that start with sex and move too fast. You never were a good match for a long-term relationship and often that’s the message of instant chemistry.

If you’re looking for a clear yes or no…

Chemistry isn’t going to give it to you.

You need to know your own boundaries around dating and committing. You need to know chemistry is just one part of what makes a long-term relationship work.

Other parts of a healthy relationship include respect, gratitude, affection and appreciation for each other. These are big pieces that make the difference in having a lasting relationship.

Chemistry doesn’t guarantee these things. It simply guarantees some hot sex.

A great relationship needs more than hot sex.

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