Lesbian Dating

When Lesbian Dating Turns Into a Mini Marriage

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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If you’ve done any dating at all as a lesbian, you’ve probably done the mini marriage.

What’s a mini marriage? It’s when you wake up one day and realize you’re living like you’re married but you’re not married.

Now to be clear, in a country were same-sex marriage is still illegal in most states, I’m not talking about that kind of marriage.

I’m talking about a relationship that started out with a date or two and some really hot sex right away.

You went out on Friday night for the first time and you didn’t go home until early Monday morning before work to change your clothes.

Then Monday night after work you were back together with her, you’re new, hot, sexy lesbian lover.

And by the end of that first week, you are officially no longer an “I’ but a “We” and an “Us.”

“We will have to talk about our plans for next weekend. What are we doing tonight after work? When will we visit your parents? Maybe we should join the same gym.”

These are the signs of a mini marriage.

Some more signs are your friends texting you wondering why they haven’t seen you or heard from you in a month or more.

The boot camp you joined two months ago is over and you only went once because it was too hard to leave your girlfriend in bed alone in the morning. You’re in a mini marriage.

It’s a mini marriage for a couple of reasons.

First, you suddenly have to check in with someone about all your decisions.

You’ve abdicated your life for her life. You’ve dumped your friends, your routines, your workouts and your lifestyle in some pretty big ways.

She might be doing some of the same, but today I’m talking to you.


“Avoid the mini marriage until you’ve

known each other for a while.”

What are you doing? And why?

As lesbians, we are women in an intimate relationship with women.

All that feminine energy wants to connect and create relationship, but how fast you move toward a committed lesbian relationship should be done consciously and have clear decision points.

In a mini marriage, you’ve been making choices that are mostly unconscious and driven by attraction and chemistry.

And all that chemistry is about the sex and not about making the best decisions for your life over the long term.

The second reason it is a mini marriage is you are planning your future around this lesbian after just a few days together.

You’re talking about spending the holidays together, you’re planning your vacations already, and you’ve booked your time off to spend with each other for the next six months already.

Perhaps you’ve even started talking about living together after just a couple of weeks because you’re so attached at the hip already.

Right now it all feels so yummy good that you can’t imagine you don’t want to see this woman every waking moment.

That’s a sweet thought and I want that kind of relationship for you, but talk to me again in six months.

How you feel in three or six or 12 months tells you if there really is long-term relationship material in this relationship.

What’s wrong with a mini-marriage?

How about the fact you don’t know this woman yet? How about the fact you have no idea what her financial situation is?

Perhaps you might consider you don’t really know how she lives her life or if your values work together.

You have no idea if her beliefs match up with yours enough that you can get along or will it be an all out war in a few weeks or months.

I know you don’t believe me, but you’re in over your head.

Lot’s of lesbians make the mistake of a mini marriage when they are first coming out. Is this you?

Another big bunch of lesbians make this mistake because they are afraid of being alone after a breakup. Is that you?

Whatever date or event led you into a mini marriage, it’s up to you to slow things down and start to have some conversations with yourself and your girlfriend.

Are you ready for a committed relationship? That’s like getting married in the straight world.

Or are you ready to step it down to just being exclusive? That means you’re not going to date anyone else or have sex with anyone else.

The hardest part of a mini marriage is when one of you realizes you don’t want to be in this relationship at all.

You’ve got a problem now because backing this U-haul truck up is going to be painful and messy.

Go slow.

One of my most important dating tips is to go slow, my lesbian friends.

Don’t rush into a committed relationship until you’ve gotten to know this chica a little better.

Avoid the drama. Avoid making a mess of your life. Avoid the mini marriage until you’ve known each other for a while and dated for a few months.

You’ll both be happier on the other side if you take this advice.

Now tell me, are you in a mini marriage? How is it working right now?

Photo source: lasisblog.com.

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