How To Be Interested Not Interesting

Men's Dating

How to Be Interested, Not Interesting

Todd Creager

Written by: Todd Creager

Todd Creager

Todd Creager is a marriage and sex therapist who has been helping individuals and couples to have successful relationships for 30 years. He is also the author of the highly acclaimed book “The Long Hot Marriage."

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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I had broken up with my girlfriend/fiance after being with her for four years.

Several months later, I was about to go on my first “first date” in four years. I was understandably nervous and excited.

We went to a restaurant and a movie.

The next day, my friend and I had this conversation:

Friend: So how was the date?

Todd: It was good. I had a nice time.

Friend: Tell me about her. Describe her to me.

Todd: Well, she had brown eyes and brown hair…

Friend: OK. And?

Todd: I know she is going to some community college. But that’s about it. I can’t think of anything else I remember about her. Isn’t that crazy?

Friend: Yes, it is crazy. I guess you are not going on a second date.

Todd: No, I did ask her if she would go out with me next week and she said she would.

Friend: Well, you are lucky. Maybe after the second date you can tell me more about her.

Todd: Yes, I guess I was trying so hard to be funny and impressive that I really did not focus on her a whole lot.

Friend: You know what – I suggest you stop trying to be so impressive and get really curious about her so you can give me a whole term paper on her the day after your second date!

Todd: That would be different and strange. But what have I got to lose?

“Be impressive by not trying to be.

Be curious and learn all about her!”

We went on our second date.

For me, there was no pressure to be impressive. I was able to just relax and ask all kinds of questions and really learn about her.

It was actually an interesting experiment because I had always thought the way to be successful with a woman was to be performing at a high level.

This approach took all the tension out of my body, even though there was a part of me that felt if I relaxed like this, some catastrophe might happen. However, the catastrophe never happened.

As a matter of fact, as I paid attention to all my date was saying and focused on her life, I also noticed her nonverbal signals. This woman liked me a lot.

On the first date, she probably tolerated me and I didn’t blow it enough to be one date and done. However, on this second date, I could see she was enjoying it a whole lot more.

I got two benefits in one.

I felt much less pressure to perform and she loved it.

One of the most important date tips I could give men is to practice being interested, not interesting. The paradox is I was funny intermittently on that date, yet it was natural and not forced.

Be impressive by not trying to be. Be curious and learn all about her! Then watch her fall for you.

Guys, have you ever been too worried about being interesting that you weren’t being interested in your date?

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