So Shes Not Over Her Ex Yet Is It Worth Sticking Around

Lesbian Dating

So She’s Not Over Her Ex Yet – Is It Worth Sticking Around?

Mary Gorham Malia

Written by: Mary Gorham Malia

Mary Gorham Malia

Mary G. Malia, founder of Gay Girl Dating Coach, is a certified singles coach, strategic intervention coach and author of the book "The Gay Girl’s Guide to Avoid the 14 Dating Traps." She’s known as the leading resource and expert for lesbians who want to move past the barriers to finding love and lasting relationships.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

Discuss This! Discuss This!
Advertiser Disclosure

Probably every single lesbian has experienced this at least once in her life. Either you couldn’t move on or you are dating a woman who can’t move on from her ex.

If you’re the lesbian who is dating a woman who hasn’t let go of her old lover, it can be confusing and discouraging. It also can make you feel very angry and insecure.

You find yourself developing feelings for a woman who isn’t really available to be in a relationship with you. You don’t know if you should trust this woman or not. You don’t know if she will dump you to run off with her ex.

You want connection and commitment, but you’re dating someone who isn’t totally open to committing to you.

For now, let’s call her Deb.

Deb’s former relationship ended. She’s struggling because she still loves her ex, but she’s lonely.

Deb might think finding someone new is the best fix. Deb also might have friends telling her just that – get in bed with another woman and you’ll feel so much better.

Jumping into bed doesn’t usually fix a woman who can’t let go of her ex, and it starts to raise the stakes of the relationship for you.

Sex can be something that deepens intimacy and creates a strong connection, especially between two women, but even that can’t always break the hold of an old lover.

Deb might believe it’s impossible to let go. She can’t imagine not loving her ex forever. Deb also could desperately want to stop feeling the pain of her breakup, so she’s diving into a new relationship long before she’s healed and ready.

We’ve all gone through this, but eventually most of us move on. We realize it’s over and our hearts heal. Soon we discover we can love again.

If you keep dating Deb hoping things will change, you’re making a major dating mistake. Hoping someone will eventually change is a huge dating red flag. They most often do not change.

“Either put up with it or

decide she isn’t worth it.”

What does that mean about this situation?

Deb is really saying she’s not available for commitment and intimacy. She’s pinning it on her ex, saying she still cares for her ex, but honestly if they get back together, the chances it will work are miniscule.

Plus it’s hugely lacking in integrity to date one woman to help you get over another. That’s a big yuck in my book.

Too many women are willing to date almost anyone who is close enough to what they want, so they accept a woman who is clearly not over her ex and eventually have a mess on their hands.

This is information you can find out within the first date or two. A lesbian who isn’t over her ex will always spill the beans fast. She’ll start talking about her ex and won’t be able to stop.

There’s also the big red flag of how long has she been single. If it’s just been a few weeks, watch out. That’s a big mess coming at you.

Some women take many months or even years to get over past relationships and let go of hoping they’ll get that woman back.

It doesn’t mean they are evil and conniving women. It means they won’t be available to fully love you.

You’ve got a choice.

Get out early or endure it. You can’t make her change. You can’t make her let go and move on to you. You either put up with it or decide dating a woman who isn’t available isn’t worth it.

It’s simple but not easy.

Advertiser Disclosure is a free online resource that offers valuable content and comparison services to users. To keep this resource 100% free, we receive compensation from many of the offers listed on the site. Along with key review factors, this compensation may impact how and where products appear across the site (including, for example, the order in which they appear). does not include the entire universe of available offers. Editorial opinions expressed on the site are strictly our own and are not provided, endorsed, or approved by advertisers.

Our Editorial Review Policy

Our site is committed to publishing independent, accurate content guided by strict editorial guidelines. Before articles and reviews are published on our site, they undergo a thorough review process performed by a team of independent editors and subject-matter experts to ensure the content’s accuracy, timeliness, and impartiality. Our editorial team is separate and independent of our site’s advertisers, and the opinions they express on our site are their own. To read more about our team members and their editorial backgrounds, please visit our site’s About page.