Let me begin with some basic truths from evolutionary psychology: Human beings are wired to reproduce. Parenthood is costly. The labor of raising children is best shared. Thus, serial monogamy evolved as the most common sexual relationship worldwide.
Fun Fact: Some researchers say that men invented monogamy to ensure paternity certainty. The idea was to keep close to a woman to fend off “mate poachers” and you’ll ensure no one else gets access to her eggs.
Voila! By being monogamous, men didn’t risk devoting their time and treasure to another dude’s genes.
But times continue to change. Society looks very different when men don’t hoard all the resources (jobs, real estate, etc.) to get women to stay nearby.
Today, family structures are more open to negotiation. Relationship anarchy has become a buzzword in the dating world, and it’s worth exploring and understanding fully.
What Is Relationship Anarchy?
At its core, people who subscribe to “relationship anarchy” believe that relationships (including friendships!) can look any which way. There is no relationship escalator. There is no relationship hierarchy.
They believe all relationships are unique to the people in them and don’t need to follow societal stereotypes or mainstream expectations. Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all.
Relationship anarchists make their own rules. They may decide that a friendship or family bond is more important than a romantic relationship. They may decide that their romantic relationships need not be exclusive.
As you can probably imagine, there is a lot of overlap here with ethical non-monogamy.
But relationship anarchy doesn’t look the same for everybody. That’s the idea. It’s custom-made.
Radical autonomy is the key principle for this lifestyle. They prize independence above all.
Basically, the idea grew out of the population of single people who aren’t so excited about how society has organized itself around pair bonds. They want freedom!
Why This Idea Is Trending Right Now
American society is ripe for relationship anarchy for a few reasons. Women’s liberation is a big factor.
There are slightly more women in the American labor force than men. A 2024 study published by the Center for American Progress that used recent data from the U.S. Census Bureau found that nearly half of mothers were primary breadwinners.
Add to that the fact that religiosity has been declining for decades in the U.S.
And finally, for the first time in American history, there are more single adults than married couples. But when you consider that last statistic, keep in mind that many monogamous couples are choosing to cohabitate rather than have a legal marriage.
All this means, for better or worse, that monogamy’s guardrails are coming off. Enter the notion of “Relationship Anarchy.”
The Benefits of Rethinking Relationship Structures
Here’s the good news about relationship anarchy: It requires crystal clear communication to work.
In order to self-define, individuals have to use better communication skills within their relationships. They must practice better boundary setting. As in, “I’m OK with you dating other people, but I don’t need to hear the details.”
Relationships aren’t one-size-fits-all.
People who embrace relationship anarchy are free from societal norms. They get to make relationship choices that fit their individual needs and desires.
Maybe they live in a different city than their spouse. Maybe they have multiple partners living in the same household.
I would also argue that relationship anarchy takes the pressure off. It’s a little unrealistic to think that one partner can be the be-all and end-all in one’s life. Most therapists and relationship experts agree that putting pressure on a partner to be the entire village is unfair.
So, yay for freedom. And yay for great relationship skills.
The Downsides to Consider
But like any good idea, it doesn’t work for everyone. For an individual, couple, or group to be successful with such relationship freedoms, they must have high emotional intelligence, good communication skills, and a secure attachment style (this is actually the most important).
People with an anxious attachment style or an avoidant attachment style might have great difficulty sustaining emotional and sexual intimacy without a traditional commitment.
Jealousy and uncertainty can undermine anarchical connections and introduce instability over time.
And I suspect there is a gender divide in how satisfying so-called anarchy is.
Even though women are becoming more likely to fill the role of breadwinner, the physical time and labor of raising children and other domestic responsibilities still falls heavily — and disproportionately — on women.
Having a male relationship that is void of commitment and obligation may not meet the needs of women who want to become mothers.
And while we’re talking about gender differences, there are well-documented sex differences in the brain between heterosexual men and heterosexual women. Men tend to prefer less monogamy and access to more sexual partners.
Meanwhile, most heterosexual women prefer a guy who invests in the household and provides for the family.
Relationship Anarchy: New Term for an Old Itch
I wouldn’t count monogamy out just yet.
The basic tenets of human mating and reproduction still play a major role in modern life. Marital contracts ensure parental obligations are shared burdens. Society is still very much organized around couples.
Religion also helps to enforce the system of monogamy by preaching about sex taboos and encouraging traditional marriage.
Relationship anarchy may work for young people who are currently happy with their single life (or solo poly life), but it may be difficult to maintain when it comes to creating a family.
Like many other somewhat hedonistic pursuits that humans attempt. It’s all fun and games until someone falls in love or until a baby shows up!
