How to Be a Present Father & Single Man – Advice from Laterras R. Whitfield

For most of my early childhood, my dad was a single father. My mother passed away when I was a baby, and so it fell to my dad (and our extended family; it really does take a village) to raise me.

I know that being a single dad was tough at times, but the years when it was just the two of us created an extremely deep bond between my father and me.

One thing I give my dad major props for is the way that he navigated dating. I know that as both a single parent and a widower, it was uncharted territory for him. But he kept his dating life from bringing chaos into my childhood by always choosing healthy, loving relationships.

This Father’s Day, we want to celebrate the single men who show up for their children and always strive to be better men.

Laterras R. Whitfield, host of the “Dear Future Wifey” podcast, is a father to two adopted children and one biological child, and he takes his responsibilities to them seriously.

“It’s extremely important for children to see their father in healthy relationships because we have to model what healthy masculinity looks like, what love looks like,” he said.

We asked Laterras for his advice on how single fathers can date in a healthy way that prioritizes their children’s well-being.

What was his guiding message? “Live sacrificially,” Laterras said. “What are the needs of your kids? Can you put those above your own? If you’re doing that, you’ll always win.”

There isn’t a one-size-fits-all answer to when the right time is to start dating as a single dad, because all relationships are different.

“It’s more about how far removed he is from the child’s mother,” Laterras said. “You should take into account the health of the coparenting relationship.”

If the separation from your children’s mother is fairly recent, for example, maybe hold off on dating until the relationship has gotten into a good place.

“While I don’t believe that you should hold up your life until your child’s mother is mature enough to deal with it,” Laterras explained. “I do believe you should take into account the healthiness of that coparenting relationship so it doesn’t bleed into your next relationship.”

Some people with teenage children enter a difficult divorce and probably should be dating yet, while others – like my dad – have young children, but are the only living parent, and thus have less drama to worry about in dating.

Still, sometimes the complexities of raising a young kid might make dating tricky, simply from a time-management perspective. “I’ve heard about stories where the child is extremely young and the dad is trying to date, but that’s just going to create a toxic environment,” Laterras said.

As your kids get older, you can be more transparent with them about your dating life. Laterras has teen and young-adult children, and he speaks candidly with them about his dating experience.

He encourages dads to model and discuss a good dating mentality, so that their children enter into happy, healthy relationships as they grow up.

“One thing that is missing is us teaching, not only by example, but sitting down and letting them know what courtship looks like, what dating looks like, what engagement looks like, and what marriage looks like,” he said emphatically.

Just because you’ve started dating doesn’t mean your children, especially the young kids, need to know about it, and it certainly doesn’t mean they need to meet your partner.

In most cases, that should only happen once you can reasonably believe that the person you’re dating will be a lasting presence in your family.

“I don’t believe that a man should be introducing his kids to women that he’s casually dating,” Laterras said. “That introduction should only take place after that relationship is more intentional.”

Meeting casual partners can be destabilizing for kids. They may expect them to stick around, only to feel abandoned or confused when they disappear.

I only met two women my dad dated. In one case, it was a woman whom he thought he might marry, but she didn’t prioritize becoming a parent to me, so ultimately, the relationship couldn’t continue.

In the other case, they ended up getting married, and she adopted me. When we first met, I told her that “she was going to be my mommy and give me a baby sister.” That ended up being true!

“I believe in dating with intention,” Laterras said. “Either you’re going to be my future wife or not. So only at that point will I introduce a woman to my kids.”

If you’re keeping your family’s well-being in mind and putting your children first, you should have a good sense of when the timing is right.

Whether you’re a single father or not, some key characteristics make a man a great partner.

“Emotional intelligence,” Laterras told us. “A man who’s able to articulate his fears, his desires, the things he needs.” This is especially true for single dads, who need to navigate their responsibilities to their children and their responsibilities to their partner at the same time.

When you start dating without children, your partner can be your #1 priority. But as a father, your kids are the most important part of your life, every time. That makes it all the more important to be communicating constantly so that no one gets hurt or misunderstands the situation.

“Communicate,” Laterras said. “Communicate your needs, what you need from her, and that you provide a plan to get there.”

It’s so important to be a source of peace for both your kids and your partner.

Be “a man who understands his role as a protector and provider,” Laterras said. “Being a provider doesn’t mean you have to be the sole breadwinner. For me, it means what you can do on a financial level, but outside of finances, providing emotional stability for your partner. That you’re providing safety for her.”

Emotional honesty is key in dating, and it’s important in fatherhood as well. Healthy families thrive when “a man who can articulate his emotional affirmations to his children,” Laterras said.

Being a single parent is no easy task. As long as you’re trying your best, you’re on the right track.

“To all my single fathers out there who are present, who show up consistently: You’re doing a great job,” Laterras said. “I want you to give yourself grace, give yourself a pat on the back – because your kids know your name.”

He shared, “I grew up with my father in the home. He had a unique ability to be present and absent at the same time.”

You don’t need to be a perfect father, but you do need to be a loving father. So many kids grow up in homes where their parents never said they loved them or showed them warmth. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

Even if your childhood wasn’t ideal, you can break the cycle and model positive masculinity for your kids.

“Keep loving your kids well,” Laterras told us. “Try not to be the reason they need therapy as an adult. Kiss them on the face, though it may annoy them, hug them, tell them ‘I’m proud.’ Give them tough love, but then give them tender love as well.”

Whether your kids live with you full-time or you see them on the weekends, they should never doubt how much you care about them. “Tell your kids you love them,” Laterras said. “Don’t let them grow up love-deficient.”