Men Can Achieve Self-Acceptance By Redefining Masculinity

The Short Version: At New Men Rising, men can confront their insecurities in a safe, non-judgmental environment. Founder Allegra Cramb is a certified sex coach who helps men overcome sexual roadblocks, confidence issues, and feelings of inadequacy. 

You may have a preconceived idea of what male self-improvement looks like. If you’re like me, you pictured a rugged wilderness retreat where men chop down trees and hunt bison and experience spiritual awakenings on random mountaintops. When they return from the retreat, the angry, reticent man you knew has been transformed into a sensitive, emotional, man-bun-wearing spiritual guru. 

New Men Rising takes a more realistic approach. 

Sex coach Allegra Cramb told us all about New Men Rising, her talk-based intimacy coaching service that provides an open, welcoming environment for men. “It’s really about listening,” she told us. “It’s not about lecturing guys or disparaging them or disconnecting from them.” 

Instead, New Men Rising helps men articulate complicated emotions and overcome feelings of inadequacy. They can redefine masculinity and break free from stereotypes that keep them from living happy, fulfilling lives. 

Allegra hopes to provide emotional support for men seeking to build their confidenced. “I have hope for the future,” she told us. “For younger generations to have this new vision of masculinity that’s more complete.”

We don’t often talk about the societal pressures men face, usually because women tend to withstand the most high-profile pressures. But men have had to come to terms with shifting societal expectations, too. 

According to Allegra, men have had to do some soul searching in the last few years. “We’re in an era of so much change for men, and it has accelerated since #Metoo,” she explained. Some men have had to think twice about their behaviors and make some big changes to long-held habits. 

When you have to rethink lifelong behaviors, you may end up feeling more confused about your place in the world. At New Men Rising, men receive sound guidance. “I really feel strongly that they deserve to be listened to and deserve to be heard just as much as women do.”

Allegra has empathy for men who need help coming to terms with a post #Metoo world, as well as with men who generally struggle with low self-confidence. From shifting definitions of masculinity to taboo sexual issues, men’s problems aren’t always spoken aloud. 

“There are a lot of expectations on them, and I think guys … feel pressure to be a certain way, even if that doesn’t match who they are on the inside,” Allegra told us. “The type of men that I like to work with are those who have often dealt with feeling different in their sexuality.”

Men who feel out of place among other men could also find new self-confidence with the services offered at New Men Rising. “What I mostly deal with is their intimate lives,” Allegra said. 

Stereotypically speaking, men aren’t exactly open about their troubles in the bedroom. Women are expected to figure out intimacy issues on their own, but men aren’t supposed to acknowledge these issues at all. 

Because of this, shame isn’t an uncommon emotion for men to grapple with in private, Allegra told us. “Whether they’re single or in a relationship, they feel pressured,” she said. “There’s also a lot of shame. Those are two big factors I’ve consistently seen with guys who feel mismatched between society’s expectations of them and who they really are.”

Women are expected to do enough soul-searching by the time they reach adulthood that they can articulate who they are and what they want out of a relationship. Men, on the other hand, “sometimes don’t fully know [who they are] yet.” 

One major problem is when men turn to unscrupulous sources in an effort to figure it all out. 

“Men really do feel trapped these days,” Allegra told us. And when someone feels trapped, they’re more likely to look for help in unreliable places. 

Allegra brought up the Man Box as an example. The Man Box describes the stereotypical characteristics men are expected to have, such as strength, dominance, and fearlessness. These expectations aren’t only old-fashioned, but damaging. What happens when someone inevitably doesn’t meet those expectations? 

According to Allegra, they’re more likely to feel shame for failing to measure up to these old fashioned ideals. And when you push shame down without confronting it, the stress can bleed into other parts of your life, including your sex life. 

“What I want to do is help men work through [these struggles] and be the best versions of themselves they can be, intimately speaking,” Allegra told us. 

Allegra noted how her coaching has been influenced by Dr. Patti Britton’s MEBES model, which she studied at Sex Coach U. The MEBES Signature System – which stands for mind, emotions, body, energy, and spirit — focuses on those five elements that Dr. Patti believes contribute most to sexual health. 

“I’m very much inspired by [the MEBES model],” Allegra told us. She helps men figure out how each element of the MEBES model factors into their lives. If they’re focused only on their physical strength and not on their mental strength, for example, it could explain potential problems they’ve been having in the bedroom. 

“This is not a quick fix process,” Allegra pointed out. “There are different areas that need to be addressed to bring out the true self and to have more confidence in that true self.”

It doesn’t help how some men refuse to share their true feelings. “It is definitely a challenge these days to get those guys to have those initial conversations,” Allegra admitted. She named toxic masculinity as a classic obstacle for male self-improvement. All too often, men fall down into what Allegra called “rabbit holes of the most negative things out there.” 

Allegra referred to these “negative rabbit holes” as “the manosphere.” 

“Maybe when they were a little bit younger, they got stuck in manosphere spaces,” Allegra posited. Men who subscribe to the “manosphere” usually consume misogynistic content.

I associate the manosphere with misguided men’s rights activists and incels; however, Allegra rightfully pointed out that some men are victims of the manosphere, and eventually seek a way out. “[My services] are for those guys who know there’s got to be another way,” she said. 

New Men Rising is for men who are willing to do the hard work to improve themselves. If you’re in search of an alternative perspective that isn’t in the manosphere, Allegra can help. 

One of the biggest issues Allegra has found is how men “feel unheard.” I can see how this can happen, particularly among groups of underprivileged and underrepresented men. 

“The number one thing is to hear and acknowledge and reflect back to them, to validate that what they are feeling is legitimate and deserves to be addressed.”

White men have undeniably had the floor for centuries, but other men haven’t been so lucky. Men of color, men who don’t identify as straight, men from underprivileged areas, and transgender men still fight to be heard. The best way we can help them is to listen to their stories.

“The number one thing is to hear and acknowledge and reflect back to them, to validate that what they are feeling is legitimate and deserves to be addressed,” Allegra explained. “It sounds so simple, but it already starts to take a burden off.” 

Have you ever cried after a long, hard day? It’s a freeing emotional release. Allegra is determined to help men achieve a similar emotional release by allowing them to vent their fears and insecurities. 

Allegra uses a holistic approach to make this a reality. “Once they open up a little bit and start to establish confidence and confidentiality, they can move on to addressing different areas of themselves that may be impacting their sexuality or their sexual expression or enjoyment,” she explained. 

“We need to provide alternatives,” Allegra suggested. “A lot of it is about getting out of the stereotypes, because there’s such a beautiful variety of masculinity, and it doesn’t have to be defined one way.”

The key, she told us, is for men to accept that they will never be the masculine ideal. No one is!

“It’s about self acceptance,” Allegra explained. “I know a lot of people talk about self compassion these days … but I prefer the idea of radical self acceptance because I think that’s more approachable for anyone of any gender.” Often, the only thing standing in the way of a healthy sex life or relationship is your inability to accept the characteristics that make you human. 

“You don’t need to become more feminine,” Allegra emphasized. “You just need to become more yourself. And that’s valid for all of us in relation to our relationship with our bodies and our sensuality. And I think that’s the positive way forward for all of us.”