Advice for the More Than Half of Americans Who’ve Been Cheated on

I’m a data journalist and dating writer, so I get pretty pumped for nerdy things like a survey about what people think about sex and love. I have a lot of thoughts about this recent YouGov survey on cheating habits. 

The most fascinating finding, in my opinion, is that 33% of Americans admit to having cheated on a partner. 

The survey didn’t say explicitly what counts as cheating, so respondents might’ve interpreted it to mean anything from having illicit sex to sending secret texts (aka micro-cheating).

I’ve never (to my knowledge, at least) been cheated on, nor have I ever cheated on a partner. My closest experience with cheating is watching multiple seasons of “Vanderpump Rules,” in which at least one cast member is basically always cheating. 

I was genuinely surprised that it’s apparently this common to cheat or be cheated on, but when I brought this stat up with a group of friends, about half the group said they weren’t surprised. 

The survey revealed other fun (well, okay, I think they’re fun) stats about heartbreak. While a breakup can feel totally crushing, you’re not alone in experiencing that pain: 74% of Americans have been broken up with, and 77% have broken up with someone. 

It’s cold comfort, but we’ve basically all been there. 

The silver lining is that many have gotten back together with an ex-partner: 38% said this has happened to them. If it can happen for J. Lo and Ben Affleck or Prince William and Kate Middleton, it might happen for you, too.

So we know 1 in 3 Americans are cheaters. That is terrible, and it has a huge negative impact on a majority of daters.

On the other side of the equation, 53% of Americans say they’ve been cheated on. 

Let me emphasize: Half of the U.S. population has been cheated on. 

By gender, it’s a little worse for women (surprise, surprise). Almost 6 in 10 women (57%) say they’ve had a partner cheat on them. Only 48% of men have.

If your Spidey sense is tingling and you’re worried you might be part of that 53% of cuckolds, we’ve got some advice for you.

Judy Serfaty, a licensed clinical professional counselor and clinical director at The Freedom Center, told us there’s really no behavior that guarantees a person is cheating.

But there are some patterns that understandably can raise concern.

“A big one is sudden secrecy. They may guard their phone more than usual, clear their messages, or change passwords,” she told me. “You might also notice them becoming emotionally distant or less present in conversations.”

Licensed professional counselor Terri DiMatteo, who specializes in counseling around relationships and affair recovery, said another indicator might be a sudden interest in their appearance, clothing, or fitness.

Another thing experts say to look for includes ultra-defensiveness. Ever noticed your guy bristles when you ask where he’s been, or have you seen your girl get annoyed when you mention she’s spending a lot of time with a certain friend?

Now wait a sec. Before you go accusing your partner of anything (or throwing out their stuff), take a breath and listen to the experts.

“Remember that these changes can also be caused by stress, depression, or other personal issues. Jumping to conclusions is not helpful. Instead, use what you notice as a signal that something in the relationship might need attention,” Serfaty said.

Don’t start with “I know what you did” or “I’m kicking you out and burning all your clothes.” Start with an honest talk about your feelings.

“Approaching the conversation with curiosity and care is best, not accusation,” emphasized Serfaty. “You might say, ‘Lately I have been feeling some distance between us, and I wanted to check in.’ Keep your tone calm, even if you feel anxious or hurt.”

Use “I” statements such as:

• I feel disconnected from you, and I’ve been wondering what’s going on.
• I want to trust you, but I need some assurances.
• I have some concerns that need to be discussed.
• I would like to know the truth, even if it’s hard to hear.

DiMatteo suggested framing your questions around love. “Set the stage by reassuring your partner that whatever makes you think they may be having an affair is troubling because they mean so much to you.”

Lead with kindness — even if you fear the worst — to get the best response.

Finding out that your partner has been unfaithful is a really painful thing. It’s OK to not be OK afterward.

“Betrayal is a severe relationship trauma not to be underestimated,” said DiMatteo.

You cannot change what happened. But what you decide to do in response is in your control.

You May Decide to Break Up

If you decide to break up, try to be gentle with yourself. 

“Even if the decision feels right, ending a relationship after infidelity can be incredibly painful,” said Serfaty. “Let yourself grieve the loss of the relationship and the future you might have imagined with that person.” 

We’ve all heard the standard breakup advice: Spend time with family and friends, reconnect with hobbies you may have given up during the relationship, move your body, and set healthy boundaries. 

It won’t always feel great, but at the end of the day, it is good advice. 

I started going to the gym almost every morning with my roommate after my last situationship ended. Having that structure to my day and feeling myself get more toned was ultimately far more healing than drinking wine and crying in bed would have been. (Though let’s be real, I did some of that as well.) 

But You Don’t Have to Break Up

There’s a popular cultural narrative I‘ve seen over and over on Reddit and TikTok that says if you’re cheated on, you absolutely need to break up with the cheater. Otherwise, you have no self-respect, and you’re allowing it to happen again.

I don’t think it’s that black and white. 

While many people do choose to break up after a partner cheats, I can think of plenty of reasons a couple might choose to stay together. Kids could be involved. Finances might pressure one or both partners to stay and fight to make it work.

You may truly believe the cheating was a one-time thing. It could be a really out-of-character moment that won’t be repeated. Maybe you were on a break.

Whatever the case may be, it’s really only between you and your partner. You don’t need to justify it to your friends, your family, or even your friendly DatingAdvice writer. You do you!

If you decide to stay together after someone cheats, book an appointment for couples therapy, stat. This isn’t a DIY thing.

“Betrayal is such a serious and consequential matter that couples typically cannot remedy it on their own,” DiMatteo told me. 

A professional can help you dig into issues that may have caused or contributed to the cheating. It’s rarely as simple as “My partner is a POS.”

My therapist is excellent at asking me questions that force me to see the other person’s perspective, even when I’m feeling hurt or frustrated. 

For instance, you may find out that your partner was unhappy with your sex life or shared household responsibilities. I’m in no way saying these issues justify cheating, but understanding their side of things can help you move forward.

It’s worth saying: If you kinda already know you’re going to bring this cheating situation up every time you have a fight, it may be better to go your separate ways.

Some relationships can survive infidelity, but it is hard work. Painful work. In-it-for-the-long-haul work. It’s not for everyone. 

If you think staying together is the right choice, be ready to put in the time and effort. And check in to see if your partner is ready to step up to the plate as well. 

Look, your partner stepping out on you is really hurtful. It’s embarrassing. It’s going to change things. But one thing you should never feel is shame. 

In your shoes, I know my head would be filled with insecurities and a nagging feeling that I wasn’t good enough. But I mean, Beyonce, Jennifer Aniston, Katy Perry, and Halle Berry have all been cheated on. So clearly, it’s got nothing to do with being accomplished enough or attractive enough. 

Take some time to grieve the relationship you thought you had. Then figure out how to move forward, either by breaking up or starting a new chapter in your relationship’s book.