What Is Micro-Cheating? How It Harms Relationships

Technology gives us the chance to have our finger on the pulse of global events in society…and be up in everyone’s business at all times. It’s natural for couples to wonder about each other’s online activities and perhaps stray into a gray area of mistrust.

Micro-cheating is a term used to describe “small breaches of trust” in romantic partnerships.

Micro-cheating is running rampant within the current dating zeitgeist. And that’s leaving partners feeling uneasy and uncertain.

In this guide, we’ll unpack what exactly micro-cheating is, how it impacts the health of our romantic relationships, how to address it with a partner, and much more. Hold on tight, and prepare to restrain yourself from setting your partner’s phone on fire. 

Because micro-cheating is inherently subjective, it can be tricky to attach a clear definition to it. Thankfully, Psychology Today took a whack at it anyway. 

Micro-cheating, according to the online publication, “involves behaviors that lead someone to question their partner’s emotional or physical commitment to the relationship.”

Examples From Pop Culture & Real Life

Even though we may not have always had a word to describe it, micro-cheating exists in so many movies and pieces of media we love. 

For example, the man my TikTok feed occasionally reminds me about, Chuck Bass, was known for being a relentless flirt — both within and outside his relationships — on the popular series “Gossip Girl”. 

In HBO’s “Euphoria,” the character Nate Jacobs is shown micro-cheating on his girlfriend, Maddie Perez, throughout most of Season One. In an attempt to explore his sexuality, Nate meets a trans woman on a gay dating app, and he texts her in secret for weeks on end. 

It’s highly likely he would have physically cheated on Maddie with his new crush, Jules, given the chance, but it never got that far.

For a third example, let’s take one of the most successful sitcoms of all time: “Friends.” Throughout the seasons, Ross micro-cheated on many girlfriends by flirting with and keeping Rachel on the back burner for years. Not to mention the girl from the copy place. Not cool, Ross. Not cool. 

Now that you’ve seen some of your favorite pop culture moments through a new lens, let’s take a look at four common types of micro-cheating.

Seeking Emotional Confidants

It’s true that your partner can’t meet your every need (in all honesty, no one can), but the lines get a little fuzzy when you start to seek comfort, emotional validation, or support from people outside your relationship on a frequent basis. 

Now, if you’re doing this because your partner often falls short when you go seeking these things from them, maybe they’re lacking the emotional capacity to fulfill these needs for you.

In that case, you should end the relationship and find someone better equipped for the job.

Flirting & Online Behavior

Since the advent of the internet, flirting via messaging has become so easy to do that it’s almost (keyword: almost) expected.

Within seconds, your partner can slide into the DMs of a cutie they come across on their FYP, send off a fire emoji, and then get right back to cuddling while you two finish binging the latest season of “The White Lotus.” 

Many people consider liking another person’s post on social media as an act of micro-cheating, depending on the content (mirror selfies, bikini pics, or other thirst traps, for example). 

Keeping Secrets

It’s one thing if your and your partner’s dynamic allows for the involvement of outside characters (e.g. if you’re in an open relationship or polycule), but if you’re participating in inappropriate conversations and hiding them from your partner, you’ve officially crossed into “secret keeping territory.” 

Hanging out with people (not including your friends or family) behind your partner’s back is a form of micro-cheating, even if the interaction doesn’t end in anything sexual.

Virtual Infidelity

Let’s make something super clear: If you’re in a relationship, there’s no such thing as downloading a dating app “just for fun.” 

The only three logical explanations are:

1. You’re curious about what else is out there, but have no intention of doing anything.
2. You’re fully planning on doing something.
3. You’re a friend of someone who’s asked you to create a fake online account to check if their partner is on the apps (aka cheating). 

If it isn’t number three, you’re engaging in digital infidelity. 

The Gray Area

As if relationships weren’t complicated enough, social media had to come in and get us all flustered with a whole new set of rules and expectations that no one can seem to agree on. 

While some people see their partner’s “liking” another hottie’s sexy beach pic as innocent, others consider it to be a very inappropriate and even breakup-worthy offense. 

Evidently, the ethics of interactions in this digital landscape have become incredibly blurry, making it more important than ever to prioritize communication with your partner surrounding boundaries. 

When it comes to understanding the impact of micro-cheating in the modern world of romance, the best way to describe it is with the common adage: “the straw that broke the camel’s back.” Let’s talk about why. 

Trust Issues

No healthy relationship can exist without trust, and when you or your partner participates in micro-cheating — whether one time or ten — it eats away at that trust. 

For example, let’s say you bring your significant other to your company’s Christmas party and catch them flirting with one of your attractive co-workers while you’re grabbing drinks at the bar. 

Sure, maybe your partner didn’t kiss them or ask for their number, but they still had the audacity to flirt with someone while you were standing mere feet away from them.

This would likely plant the seed of doubt in your mind, making you ask yourself: “If they would do this while I’m still in the same room as them, what may they be willing to do when I’m not?” 

Emotional Hurt

Betrayal doesn’t have to be physical in order for it to hurt. Micro-cheating, especially when done frequently, can create mild to intense emotional pain, jealousy, and anxiety for the person it’s inflicted upon. 

Many even argue the lasting emotional effects of these repeated betrayals can cut just as deep as full-blown physical infidelity — or even deeper — because they tamper with the core sense of trust, intimacy, and emotional connection that once existed in the relationship.

Self-Esteem and Doubt

Some couples find it reasonable to expect that one or both partners will consume porn while in a relationship. But what if your partner made it a point to post pictures of exactly the kind of naked women they liked for all the world to see?

That’s exactly what my ex-boyfriend used to do. Back in the Tumblr days, he would reblog pictures of naked women in bathtubs, laying on beds, and standing on tables seductively — all with huge bazonkas, of course. 

I, as someone with, well, not huge bazonkas, found this to be pretty devastating. I was insecure enough about my body as it was, and this only made it worse. 

His behavior, which I definitely considered to be micro-cheating, chipped away at my self-esteem and made me doubt if he was even attracted to me in the first place. 

Strain on Communication

It could be argued that acts of micro-cheating are just unique ways of lying, and we all know little lies tend to pave the way for bigger and bigger ones. 

In that same sense, micro-cheating often points to a larger issue of communication failure within the relationship dynamic, leaving important issues unaddressed and creating space for even bigger betrayals to accumulate. 

A little bit of flirting here and a couple “double-taps” there may not seem like a big deal, but these seemingly innocent actions can have a wave of consequences that change the trajectory of your relationship for good (or, rather, not so good).

The Erosion of Intimacy and Connection

First comes the loss of trust, then comes the loss of emotional and physical intimacy. 

Micro-cheating may not imply physical cheating, but it definitely creates gaps between you and your partner that may be difficult to bridge. 

Redefining Boundaries

The technology typically involved in micro-cheating is relatively new, which means the societal “rules” around using them are fuzzy and amorphous. 

Should you and your couple be allowed to go through each other’s phones? Is it okay to send winky faces via DM if it never goes anywhere? 

These are boundaries only you and your partner can define.

The Slippery Slope

Humans — adults and children alike — will test their boundaries when they can. 

A woman who’s been with the same partner since high school, for example, may think a few flirty Snapchats to a cute co-worker are harmless; however, these conversations can quickly turn into suggestive pictures, which can turn into late-night video calls, which can turn into secret meetups, and so on until it’s full-on infidelity.

Relationship Breakdown

You can only chip away at your partner’s trust for so long before it crumbles completely. 

Remember that your dozens of “innocent,” “not a big deal,” and “oopsie” moments add up, and have real-life consequences. This means breakups, divorces, and, when children are involved, the splitting up of a family. 

As someone in a relationship in the modern age, it’s realistic to expect that there will be temptation around every corner of the internet, and often in real life, too. That doesn’t mean you need to succumb to it. 

Practice the following communication exercises with your partner and set your relationship up with a higher chance of success. 

Talk About It

Therapists don’t say “communication is key” for nothing. If you’re unsure about your partner’s take on certain behaviors (such as liking social media pics, sending DMs, flirting, confiding in others about intimate topics), then ask! 

Talk about what constitutes cheating for you, and encourage them to do the same.

Set Clear Boundaries

Use clear and intentional language to discuss what is and is not acceptable to you in terms of social media behavior, friendships, and interactions with those of the opposite sex (if you’re in a heterosexual relationship). 

Remember that boundaries are not rules for your partner. They’re actually guidelines for you — guidelines that dictate how you may respond if a line is crossed.

Maintain or Rebuild Trust

If micro-cheating is brought to the forefront of your relationship and you both decide you want the relationship to continue, transparency and accountability will be key. 

The person who committed the distrustful acts will need to be honest about what they did and take complete responsibility for the harm their actions caused. 

Commit to Do the Work

The desire for validation, comfort, or attentionoutside your relationship doesn’t come out of nowhere; there’s typically an underlying issue driving the behavior.

Figuring out what the issue is will be integral to the process of rebuilding the trust that was broken. 

Additionally, focusing on incorporating more quality time and physical affection into your relationship can work wonders for digging deeper into your and your partner’s emotional intimacy.

As you can see (unless you’ve completely skipped to the end of this guide), many of the forms of micro-cheating we’ve discussed wouldn’t be possible without the pieces of modern technology we love to hate. 

New Forms of Infidelity

In our ancient nomadic tribes of 25 to 100 people, the options for cheating (let alone micro-cheating) were pretty limited. 

Maybe you shared your last bite of lamb leg with the girl from the tent next door instead of your partner, or perhaps you were caught stargazing with the husky ox hunter when you were supposed to be gathering elderberries for the winter. 

Now, post-internet, you can micro-cheat with Snapchat Streaks, flirty Slack messages, cheeky Instagram mirror selfie likes, and more.

Many Sources of Temptation

Thanks to social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, TikTok, and dating apps, each of us seemingly have access to millions, if not billions of people from around the world who could be cooler, sexier, funnier, or richer than the person we’re dating. 

Not only that, but getting connected to these cooler, sexier, funnier, richer people is actually a possibility — and knowing this leaves many coupled-up people struggling to keep their eyes on the prize. 

Dissatisfied or untrustworthy partners can now send suggestive DMs, flirt via virtual chess games, and even join dating apps — all from their smartphones and without their partner’s knowing.

Monitoring vs. Trusting in the Digital Age

With all of these new ways to betray the trust of your partner, some important questions arise: “How do we monitor our partner’s behavior?” and “Is it even within our rights to?” The answers will depend completely on who you ask.

I have a couple of friends who say they know each other’s phone and email passwords. They are very blasé about it. Their mentality is: “We don’t have anything to hide, so why try to?” 

I also know couples who think going through each other’s devices is a huge violation of trust, and they would simply never do it. 

The ethics are, you guessed it, fuzzy and, ultimately, completely dependent on the couple. 

If our hunter-gatherer ancestors hopped into a time machine and were thrust into the modern era of iPhones, Hinge matches, and fire emojis, I feel fairly confident they wouldn’t be able to articulate the nuances of micro-cheating. 

However, they may be able to point out that, when all is said and done, healthy relationships are impossible without three essential factors: trust, respect, and emotional investment.

And as our digital and relational landscapes continue to change at an alarmingly fast rate, these three pillars will only become more and more integral to our ability to stay grounded in reality and resilient in the face of temptation. 

Think it’s bad now? Wait ‘til we’ve got to compete with AI girlfriends. *gulp*