I’m Looking for a Husband. Is it Bad to Have Casual Sex in the Meantime?

Dr. Wendy Walsh

Written by: Dr. Wendy Walsh

Dr. Wendy Walsh

Known as America's Relationship Expert, Dr. Wendy Walsh is an award-winning television journalist, radio host & podcaster, and the author of three books on relationships and thousands of print and digital articles. More than 1.5 million people follow her sage advice on social media. She holds a Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology and teaches in the Psychology Department at California State University Channel Islands and has been the host of "The Dr. Wendy Walsh Show" on iHeart Radio's KFI AM 640 since 2015. Walsh is also a former Emmy-nominated co-host of "The Doctors," as well as former host of the nationally syndicated show "EXTRA." She was named a Time Magazine Person of the Year in 2017 after speaking out about harassment at a major news network.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

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Reader Question:

I am a 36-year-old single woman. I am eagerly looking for a husband and am having a challenging time of it.

In the meantime, is it a bad idea to engage in casual sex with men I am physically attracted to? For instance, I have a “friend” I have been “booty calling” with for five years.

Do you think this is negatively impacting my chances of finding my long-term/forever guy?

-Catherine (Maine)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Catherine,

In a word, yes.

Every relationship we have affects every relationship in our future. When you are hooking up with your friend, you are training your body and mind to NOT bond.

Your body excretes oxytocin, the bonding hormone, during female orgasm and if you are having sex with someone you don’t want to bond with, your brain works hard to practice disassociation that can become habit.

You can train your body for anything. But the only way to train for monogamy is to abstain or be monogamous.

Also, when you engage in casual sex, you are surrounding yourself with a certain segment of the dating pool who prefer short-term relationships.

It’s very hard to attract men who are able and willing to commit when you are hanging out with players and those who can’t commit. That kind of man brings a certain anxiety that feels exciting, one that a commitment-oriented man won’t.

Don’t get attracted to intensity over intimacy. And you can’t have it both ways.

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