I’m Looking for a Husband. Is it Bad to Have Casual Sex in the Meantime?

Dr. Wendy Walsh
Dr. Wendy Walsh Updated:
Discuss This! Discuss This!

Reader Question:

I am a 36-year-old single woman. I am eagerly looking for a husband and am having a challenging time of it.

In the meantime, is it a bad idea to engage in casual sex with men I am physically attracted to? For instance, I have a “friend” I have been “booty calling” with for five years.

Do you think this is negatively impacting my chances of finding my long-term/forever guy?

-Catherine (Maine)

Dr. Wendy Walsh’s Answer:

Dear Catherine,

In a word, yes.

Every relationship we have affects every relationship in our future. When you are hooking up with your friend, you are training your body and mind to NOT bond.

Your body excretes oxytocin, the bonding hormone, during female orgasm and if you are having sex with someone you don’t want to bond with, your brain works hard to practice disassociation that can become habit.

You can train your body for anything. But the only way to train for monogamy is to abstain or be monogamous.

Also, when you engage in casual sex, you are surrounding yourself with a certain segment of the dating pool who prefer short-term relationships.

It’s very hard to attract men who are able and willing to commit when you are hanging out with players and those who can’t commit. That kind of man brings a certain anxiety that feels exciting, one that a commitment-oriented man won’t.

Don’t get attracted to intensity over intimacy. And you can’t have it both ways.

No counseling or psychotherapy advice: The Site does not provide psychotherapy advice. The Site is intended only for use by consumers in search of general information of interest pertaining to problems people may face as individuals and in relationships and related topics. Content is not intended to replace or serve as substitute for professional consultation or service. Contained observations and opinions should not be misconstrued as specific counseling advice.