He Runs Hot and Cold. What is His Problem?

Reader Question:

I met a man last year on Match.com. We have been on and off since April mainly because he runs hot and cold. He acts like he is a boyfriend 60 percent of the time, but we have had no label.

We talk about everything but his feelings. I even feel like he may love me at times, but I also feel I can’t get to know him.

Every time I break it off with him, because he starts acting distant after spending time together, it isn’t but a day or so before he is blowing my phone up.

What the hell is this man’s problem?

-Laurie

Gina Stewart’s Answer:

If he acts like a boyfriend 60 percent of the time, how often are you acting like a girlfriend? If your commitment to your partner and benefits received ratio don’t match, you have a problem.

In other words, if you’re acting like his girlfriend 100 percent of the time but not receiving the benefits of being a girlfriend (you have no label, no consistency and no validation of his feelings), then there is an imbalance.

You can go down to his level of commitment, which could look like being less available, dating others and being less emotionally attached to him, or you can communicate what you need and hope for him to rise to yours. The benefits and the status need to match.

A good guy friend of mine married this girl who practiced a very important lesson about getting what you require in relationships. As their relationship started to grow, he invited her to go out of town with him for a weekend.

Most women would be really thrilled at that. She turned him down. She didn’t turn him down because she didn’t want to go or be with him, but she simply and sweetly told him, “Going out of town is something boyfriends and girlfriends do, not people who are just dating.”

This girl is the sweetest girl in the world. She wasn’t rude or snarky about it, but she practiced self-control and self-respect and communicated her requirements.

He then knew if he wanted to go out of town with her, they need to be at that level for her to agree. Their relationship moved to that level and eventually marriage. Quite honestly, it’s one of the most healthy and communicative marriages I know.

Make your own requirements, commit to them and communicate them. If he doesn’t live up to them, move on.

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