Why You Dont Know How Flirt

Women's Dating

Why You Don’t Know How to Flirt

Sam Stieler

Written by: Sam Stieler

Sam Stieler

Sam has been writing about dating and relationships for more than three years now. He holds a bachelor's degree from Bucknell University, has self-published a few of his own books and is currently working on mastering the double right turn in his salsa dancing classes.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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The world is filled with pretty and interesting women who have a difficult time attracting the desirable men they meet. On the surface, this phenomenon doesn’t seem to make a lot of sense. The fact that there are plenty of seemingly eligible women in the world who can’t pull in quality men appears to defy all reason.

From my experience, there is a reason why these women have trouble getting the dates they want. These women don’t know how to flirt. These women don’t know how to play their part in the tussle of male-female dynamics.

Embracing male-female dynamics.

Men and women are different, and the differences between the sexes need to be embraced, not denied.

Discussing the differences between men and women often leads to backlash due to the (unfortunate) fact that women have had to fight hard for equality within our culture, within our economy, and within every other measure of value our society erects.

However, even though the differences between men and women shouldn’t factor into social or economic decisions, they need to play a huge role in the personal relationships shared between men and women.

Seeking equal footing between men and women on the job is a great idea. Expecting men and women to play the same exact gender-neutral roles in their relationships is a recipe for disaster.

When it comes to sex, dating and relationships, men and women need to play complimentary opposites of each other.

Or, as relationship guru David Deida says “Within a relationship, one person needs to play the part of the “ravisher” and the other needs to play the part of the “ravishee.”

And in the vast majority of male-female personal relationships, the man needs to play the former and the woman needs to play the latter.


“If you never ultimately let him have you at the end of the

chase, then your interaction will remain boringly platonic.”

Flirting = Playing your part.

Embracing this role of the “ravishee” is crucial to feminine flirting. If it’s a man’s job to pursue, then it’s a woman’s job to playfully flee. If it’s a man’s job to be the aggressor, then it’s the woman’s job to provide an opening. If it’s the man’s job to be dominant, then it’s the woman’s job to be submissive.

Does it always need to work out this way? No. But someone needs to play each of these roles, and most men and women seem to prefer embracing the above categories.

Feminine flirting is a process of opening and closing, throwing up walls and exposing vulnerabilities, staying ahead of your man and then slowing down just enough to let him just about catch you.

Simply put, if you want a man to take you, then it’s your job to give him an (not too easy) opening.

You can share intellectually engrossing conversation with a man all you want, but if you never shift back and forth between challenging him and making yourself vulnerable to him, and if you never ultimately let him have you at the end of the chase, then your interaction will remain boringly platonic.

Also, you will never experience that dynamic of rising and falling electrical charges that characterize flirting and which provides the current for a connection that transcends the realms of buddies, co-workers and other forms of sexually-flat relationships.

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