How Do I Get My Lesbian Girlfriend To Be Sexually Attracted To Me Again

Lesbian Dating

How Do I Get My Lesbian Girlfriend to Be Sexually Attracted to Me Again?

Pamela Gort

Written by: Pamela Gort

Pamela Gort

After two long-term relationships and five years of dating, Pamela Gort, The Lesbian Love Coach, spent years synthesizing the most effective and relevant dating and relationship practices into five easy steps called “Find Her and Keep Her" specifically tailored for lesbians. Using her warm, funny, direct coaching style, Pamela guides single lesbians to fall in love with themselves so they can attract and keep conscious, lasting, and loving relationships.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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Relationships can get off track for lots of reasons, but it doesn’t mean the relationship is destined to end. Lack of communication and stress are the top relationship sex disruptors.

Sex is the one thing that separates us from just being wonderful friends. We all want our partner to feel like a best friend: supportive, caring, and has our back, among other characteristics. We also need to have their front, too! Seriously, we need and want intimacy in the form of sex, closeness, and connection — something we don’t share with a close friend.

“Why are we not making love anymore?” “Has she lost her sexual attraction to me?” “Has she fallen out of love?” “Is there someone else?” “Has the honeymoon phase ended already?” “Have I fallen out of love?”

Are you asking yourself any of these questions? If so, it may be time to take a serious inventory.

Attraction Can Wax and Wane, and It’s Important to Realize That

There are times in our relationships when we wonder about our girlfriend’s feelings toward us or even wonder about our own feelings toward them. Life gets in the way. Stress and poor communication are the biggest intimacy disruptors. Stress can come from work, financial pressure, health, and family concerns.

Some partners hold things in and fail to communicate when times are challenging. Sexual attraction can wax and wane like anything else. The key is to address it as soon as it hits your awareness and not let it smolder.

Try Kicking Up the Romance a Notch While Also Determining the Root of the Problem

You can start trying to woo her again, and be the aggressor and romantic in the hopes of rekindling the fire. Act like a new lover, and shower her with gifts, compliments, and adventure.

But what if this all backfires and turns her off even more? Let’s say something big is going on, and all she wants is to be understood. Maybe she’s having trouble articulating it because it’s a deep emotional thing.

Photo of lesbian couple holding hands

Randomly hold her hand, send her flowers at work, join her in the shower — do things to show her you care and are there for her.

Typically, one of us in a relationship is the kind of partner who can have sex anytime and the other is the kind who needs life to be all good before sex comes into play. It can feel really yucky to have someone trying to seduce us if we aren’t feeling it right now.

If you’re in the first camp, ask her what exactly is going on and address the problem head on. If stress is the culprit, and it gets dealt with, odds are the attraction will likely return.

Look Inward to See If You’re the Problem

Are you, perhaps, the problem? Have you changed something about yourself? When we first get together with someone, we always put on our best self, especially on the exterior. We shower daily, shave or wax all our parts, wear makeup, and perhaps dress sexy. Have you stopped putting on makeup, or are you wearing those oversized T-shirts to bed now?

Ask yourself these questions:

  • Am I taking care of myself? How’s my hygiene, clothing, makeup, hair, etc?
  • What state am I in? Am I preoccupied with kids, household, Netflix, and the computer?
  • Is there anything pressing going on in my life with work, friends, and family?
  • How do I woo my partner? Do I give here signs of affection, compliments, gifts, or demonstrate acts of service or share quality time?
  • Do I initiate intimacy with a subtle touch, by holding hands, having make-out sessions, long hugs, and sex?
  • Do I ask about her day and sincerely ask deeper questions (i.e. “How did that make you feel?”)

Be honest. Are you feeling differently? If you still love her, start looking at what you can change and how you can be a better partner and be more attentive.

If You Think She’s the Problem, Have an Honest Conversation With Her About What She’s Going Through

If you believe you have been doing all the right things and are not distracted, consider broaching the topic with her. This option usually gets to the heart of the problem. Now it’s time for the other question: Is it her?

Here are some questions to ask yourself to discover what’s up, so you can work toward renewing the sexual attraction between the two of you:

  • What do I mean by she’s not sexually attracted to me?
  • How do I know she is not sexually attracted to me?
  • Is it a feeling or based on facts such as behavior changes?
  • Has anything changed in her life, her work, family, or friends?
  • Have her habits changed?
  • How is her health? Is she premenopausal?
  • Does she seem unusually stressed?

The answers to these questions will be revealing. Then ultimately you’ll need to decide to bring up the topic in an appropriate, loving way.

One great way to bring it up is to first find out if the story you are telling yourself is real. We often make a story out of a situation and then believe it. We do this in all areas of our life. This is a huge mistake in a relationship.

What stops us from finding out the truth? Plain and simple, what stops us is fear. We have already determined the undesirable outcome and simply don’t want to face it. The reality is you will find out sooner or later, so isn’t it better to find out now?

Photo of two women talking

It’s important to ask her how she’s feeling and really listen to her answers.

Say, for example, your partner seems distracted lately and disinterested in sex, and you start thinking that she’s no longer sexually attracted to you. Ask yourself a few questions: 1) Is this true? 2) Is it always true? and 3) Is there another way to look at it?

This inquiry brings you into the present moment to look at facts. Maybe she’s been working on a big project at work and is stressed out. She’s worried that her job depends on it. She goes to bed consumed with worry, and, of course, sex is on the back burner.

You may not realize any of this. All you feel is that she has disconnected from you and is rejecting your sexual advances. So what do you do next?

Keep the Lines of Communication Open

Ask your partner when is a good time to have a talk. Let her know you are missing quality time together and want to catch up. Get in a safe, positive space, and do some deep breathing to center and balance yourself. Feel yourself in the seat — safe and supported by Mother Earth.

Communicate your feelings without blame, shame, or finger pointing, starting with “I statements.” Start off with something you love about her.

An example is: “Honey, I love you, and you are so important to me. For the last [enter time frame], I have been feeling less connected with you. Are you feeling it, too? Can you share what’s going on for you?”

Give her plenty of time to unload. Listen and repeat what she says back to her so she feels heard. Maybe you’re the one who has been distracted and didn’t even realize she was feeling the disconnection.

Thank Her for Sharing Her Feelings, and Reinforce Your Partnership

Whatever she shares, thank her and reinforce your partnership and the importance of knowing how she’s doing.

Photo of two women crying

Hold her and let her know you’ve heard everything she’s had to say.

Whatever the situation, discuss it openly, and agree to not keep this from each other in the future. Learn to read your partner, and ask her what she needs in times of stress. Also be willing to tell her what you need.

Putting yourself aside so you can understand her through close listening and reflecting is not an easy process. But when she feels understood, it will be an amazing experience and will likely bring you closer.

Remember Neither of You Is a Mind Reader, So You Need to Speak Your Truth

My therapist once said the worst thing we can do is expect our partner to read our mind. The fact is we are not mind readers, and neither partner in a relationship should be expected to understand what’s bothering the other through telepathy.

We all have different skill sets when it comes to dealing with stress and expressing our need for affection. Each of us reacts and perceives differently, and it’s often difficult to see the other person’s perspective and needs without asking.

Now that you are dealing with the real circumstances and not a story you told yourself, it will be easier to deal with what’s causing the distancing in your relationship. When we feel truly heard and understood, intimacy increases and sexual attraction is the inevitable outcome.

Sexual Attraction Isn’t Just About Sex or Even Looks. It’s About So Much More

Relationships need attention and care

. My girlfriend says to think of relationships, especially new ones, like seedlings that need lots of care, food, and water to take root and grow strong. If left unattended, they may wilt or die.

A new relationship is still rooting. It’s critical to keep learning about each other. Not just the everyday likes and dislikes, habits, and idiosyncrasies but also the deep stuff.

Photo of two women holding hands

Holding hands, kissing her neck, and staring into her eyes can all be just as sexy as actually having sex.

Be curious about your girlfriend’s life, and encourage her to tell stories about growing up. Ask for more details, and show your interest. Be sure to reciprocate. This is a growth time and can be challenging as you trigger or get triggered. Be aware of your reactions, and take accountability to look at your own stuff.

Longer Relationships Always Benefit From Continued Attention

We can get stuck in our ways and become stagnant. That is the time to shake things up and create some sense of newness. Look for ways to excite your partner if she is open. See if she’s interested in spicing things up.

This doesn’t mean you have to do something out of the box like partner swapping (although, that could be fun for some of you!). It could be something as simple as a romantic picnic at the beach or in your living room. Play music, and set the scene with scents and sounds. How about a weekend vacation? How about picking out a new sex toy together and giggling about the idea of it. What about some fantasy play?

Good relationships are wonderful, and do take effort to keep them thriving and intimate. You can decide to just get by or you can choose to have something so much better. It’s really up to you.

Here are some simple tips for increasing everyday intimacy:

  • Learn and regularly use each other’s top two love languages
  • Practice three-minute eye gazing to connect
  • Do extended hugs (five minutes)
  • Enjoy long make-out sessions (10 to 30 minutes)
  • Take turns giving each other massages
  • Hold hands while watching TV
  • Practice giving words of praise
  • Tell her something you love about her every day

Your Relationship Can Weather Almost Anything If You Constantly Talk to Each Other and Come Up With Solutions Together

If you apply these ideas as ways of being and become better a communicator in times of stress, your relationship will weather almost anything. Give it a try, and I promise you’ll be happier for it.

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