Having Relationship Problems? Focus on Friendship First

The Short Version: If your relationship problems have become too overwhelming, it’s time to focus on friendship with your partner. We talked to Michael McNulty, Ph.D., LCSW about how focusing on friendship can help couples get back to basics, work on their relationships, and rediscover intimate connection. 

The Gottman Method remains one of the most popular and effective therapy modalities for married couples. The treatment approach focuses on helping couples increase intimacy, respect, and affection, reduce conflicts, and create a warm envelope of understanding and empathy around the relationship.

When we look into why the Gottman Method is so effective, a variety of reasons could be put at the top of the list. But throughout the entirety of the Gottman Method therapeutic process, one element of a romantic relationship is given specific attention: friendship.

Amid work, kids, and all the responsibilities married couples often face, friendship can be the first thing that suffers when life gets busy. But a strong friendship is essential for the health of a relationship, and by working on your friendship with your partner, you can build a better connection.

We talked to Michael McNulty, Ph.D., LCSW, a therapist at the Chicago Relationship Center, about the Gottman Method, the importance of friendship, and how blended psychotherapy techniques can help couples rediscover close friendships and intimate romantic connections with one another.

Michael has over 30 years of experience in counseling and was personally trained by Drs. John and Julie Gottman. Michael talked to us about how the Gottman Method and other therapeutic approaches can help couples build a solid foundation of respect, care, and concern. 

“The Gottman Method gives us a very comprehensive and effective way of assessing relationships,” Michael said. “But then, as I work with people, The Gottman Method has all these tools that I can introduce to them that are really helpful and process-based.”

Before Michael was training with Drs. John and Julie Gottman, John told us he was always interested in understanding who people were, and why they behaved the way they did. He knew, even as a child, that he would one day become a therapist. 

“I think as a child, I always felt like understanding everyone’s context was so important,” Michael said. “Originally, I had wanted to be a case worker providing support to the poor, elderly, and people with severe mental illness. I made my way into becoming a therapist because I really felt that people needed to be understood very deeply in order to help them.”

Even before he was pursuing education or training to become a therapist, Michael knew that you had to be able to meet people where they are to affect real change in their lives, whether that was in relationships, work, family, or friendships. 

Michael told us his therapeutic training helped him learn how he can understand and get to know people with the depth required for therapy, and then meet them where they are. He eventually began working with couples after directing and leading therapy groups in intensive outpatient programs, where he discovered his passion for guiding people in de-escalating conflict and finding common ground.

“When I worked in group therapy, I did sessions with people with severe histories of trauma,” Michael said. “We’d sit in a room, and the issues that would be brought up were intense. And sometimes, they bring up conflicts and the whole room would get very intense.”

Michael told us he found it rewarding to help bring the group back down to an emotionally workable place after they were able to work through their emotions, despite the intensity. And he saw how this sort of approach would be essential for effective couples therapy. 

“To be a good couples therapist, you have to be able to let all the feelings into the room, let the conflict be, and relate well to both partners. Everyone has to feel understood,” Michael said.

Michael told us his therapeutic approach is influenced by both contemporary psychoanalytic theories that focus on ensuring partners feel secure and supported in their relationships. 

He said these modalities did a lot of important work with the couples he was treating, but he was also looking for something that brought along a firmer structure.

“I decided to add something evidence-based, and that’s where the Gottman Method comes in,” Michael said. “John Gottman began the research in 1972, and his research and work can tell us so much about why marriages succeed, why they fail, and the things that need to be done to get them to a better place if they are ailing.”

One element of the Gottman Method that sets it apart from other therapeutic approaches is the initial assessment. A Gottman-trained therapist will meet with a couple together, followed by individual interviews. 

Couples complete questionnaires, and then their therapist guides them through a relationship assessment. This initial meeting helps the therapist and couple gauge how committed they are to the relationship, and then, if appropriate, create a road map for therapy going forward.

“The Gottman Method comprehensively assesses relationships and then figures out what areas need work and attention,” Michael said. “And it’s all based on research– every step of the Gottman Method has been tested in clinical practice.”

Couples and therapists alike sing praises for the Gottman Method. Instead of digging into problems, which can often just make discord worse, the Gottman Method focuses on increasing intimacy and respect while learning how to disarm verbal conflict. 

“I still follow the process between people, because every couple is going to be different, Gottman Method or not,” Michael said. “I listen very deeply to what’s going on between them and try to understand it. But I have now more explanations around marriage, about what’s happening, and all of these tools to help people with those common challenges.”

The Gottman Method is focused on giving couples the tools they need to manage conflicts while staying in a space of empathy and love. Michael told us the Gottman Method attends to the idea of friendship as a pillar of romantic relationships, a pillar that can have a big impact on the relationship’s health and strength. 

“People really need to have a good, strong friendship in place to do relationship well,” Michael said. “One of the key findings from my perspective is that it’s equally important to work on friendship. In Gottman, friendship includes positivity, emotional intimacy, and romance.”

In Gottman, friendship includes a lot of things, but all of them serve to make a connection between partners stronger and more resilient. Building a fortified friendship with your partner will make your romantic relationship all the more positive and connective.

“It really speaks to the quality of connection between two people,” Michael told us. “Gottman’s research tells us that 69% of the time, issues that come up between partners will be ongoing. We’re teaching people to hang in, even when the complications do come.”

The best way to ensure you and your partner can survive the tough parts is to have a safe, comfortable, and regular space for you both to express yourselves, hear each other out, and create compromises that work for both of you. 

One of the greatest successes of the Gottman Method is getting couples to a place where they can approach even the most contentious conflict with positive regard and empathy for their partner. 

Being in a relationship isn’t easy. When conflict is happening frequently, it’s even more challenging. But by keeping communication open, and receiving your partner with empathy and care, even when it’s not very easy to do, you won’t just have a better relationship — you’ll have a better friendship, too.

“Try to approach every conversation with your partner with the idea– and the truth– that we’re all human beings,” Michael said. “We’re complicated folks. Everyone’s needs and feelings are coming from somewhere that’s legitimate for them, and we must remember that.”