6 Ways To Win An Ex Back

Gay Dating

6 Ways to Win an Ex Back

Brian Rzepczynski

Written by: Brian Rzepczynski

Brian Rzepczynski

Dr. Brian Rzepczynski, DHS, MSW, is “The Gay Love Coach." To sign up for the FREE Gay Love Coach Newsletter filled with dating and relationship tips and skills for gay singles and couples, as well as to check out current coaching groups, programs and teleclasses, please visit www.TheGayLoveCoach.com.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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What do you do when all that’s on your mind is getting back together with your ex-boyfriend?

Perhaps you made a premature judgment and terminated the relationship before you allowed it to mature. Or maybe you made a mistake and had an indiscretion that resulted in his leaving you.

Whatever the scenario, fantasies about a reconciliation can drive you crazy without a game plan.

What follows are some insights and tips for how to go about reaching out to your ex in an attempt to win back his affections and start over on a clean slate.

1. It’s out of your control.

The single most important reality when you want to get back with an ex is the realization that you don’t have any control over what he decides to do.

Whatever strategies you put into place, the ultimate outcome will be dependent on what your ex chooses.

You can certainly influence him with your behavior (and that’s the crux of what you’ll be doing!), but he has the final veto power.

This knowledge will help you relax and not put so much pressure on trying to control the situation. Trying to control everything will only serve to sabotage your efforts.

2. Determine your motives.

First and foremost before you do anything, you want to ensure you’re pursuing him again for the right reasons.

Why do you want him back? What are your motives? Do you want him for him, or do you like the idea of being with someone familiar to stave off loneliness?

Do a thorough appraisal of why you want him back before taking any kind of action. Be sure your motives are pure before involving him.

If your reasons are anything but having a genuine desire to be with your ex for the person you know him to be, then you may want to do some personal work on resolving some of these psychological issues and barriers you may have.

“The important thing is

to take things slowly.”

3. Play it cool.

Nothing about desperation is attractive. When you make your approach to him, whether it be in person or email, be cool and casual.

Have your boundaries in place because you don’t want to pour on too much emotion or neediness. This will act as repellant since most of us don’t like to be suffocated or pressured by our partners. Avoid coming on too strong.

4. Taking responsibility is sexy.

When you have your first communication or contact with him, be sure your delivery is assertive and direct. Let him know how you’re feeling without overwhelming him.

Apologize for the role you played in the relationship problems you had, and then help him see that you recognize all the various ways you played into the drama.

Also help him see how you would handle those same triggers differently moving forward so he can see you’ve done some real soul-searching and are dedicated to making things right.

By putting the focus on your contributions, this will help avoid the tendency to place blame on him. This will also lead to reciprocation on his part once he feels validated by what you’ve said.

The key is to create a climate where a healthy dialogue can occur. This can be a great way to charm him back.

5. Take it slow.

Don’t expect instant results. Your ex may be quite hesitant to believe a relationship with you again would be any different, so the trust process must rebuild.

This will likely require you to exercise significant patience as you consistently demonstrate your commitment and changed positive behavior over time.

As trust grows, so too could emotional intimacy and connection.

6. Court him all over again.

In some cases, no matter what you do, your ex will have no desire to reconcile.

If this is the case, it’s important to respect his wishes and wish him well while you grieve the loss and attempt to put some closure to it. Take the lessons you learned from this relationship and apply them wisely in the future.

If, however, your ex is open to giving things another shot, score!

The important thing is to take things slowly and take him out on a “first date” all over again.

Initiate the courtship process again and begin cultivating a sense of romance to further solidify your bond and begin a legacy of shared experiences that will help you grow as a couple in ways unimaginable the first time around.

There’s no special formula on how to win back an ex.

The first phase is gaining a man’s attention again, which can be accomplished by demonstrating that you take responsibility for your role in the previous relationship problems and helping to foster an interest and intrigue for what you have to offer.

Should you be able to snag him, the second phase is about rebuilding a new relationship of possibility and applying the lessons that you’ve learned, which can be accomplished by managing triggers in more healthy ways and being attentive to the needs of your partner and relationship.

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