Hotwifing and Cuckolding: An Insider’s Guide

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Hotwifing and cuckolding are styles of ethical non-monogamy that both emphasize a woman having sexual and/or erotic relationships and encounters outside of her primary partnership to the enjoyment of both herself and her primary male partner.

Hotwifing relationships are not marked by humiliation or male submission, whereas cuckolding relationships often are to some degree.

Common vocabulary:

• Hotwife: a woman who has sex with other men outside of her primary relationship
• Cuckold: a man who derives pleasure from having his female partner have erotic/sexual encounters with other men while also being humiliated or submissive
• Bull: a man who joins a woman purely for sexual encounters (not her primary partner)

Here are some common fantasies held by men in hotwifing and cuckolding arrangements:

• I want to watch my girlfriend flirt with another guy and maybe even watch them make out.
• I want to watch my girlfriend have sex with another man.
• I want to hide in the closet and listen as my girlfriend brings another man home with her.
• I want to be forced to sit and watch my wife have sex with another man, and afterward I want to be forced to lick the cum off her stomach.
• I want to do everything for my wife before she goes out to see her bull. I want to pick out her clothes and underwear, shave her legs, paint her toenails, and brush her hair.
• I want to wait for my girlfriend while she’s out with another man, and when she returns the next morning, I want her to tease me with all of the details until she allows me to cum.

“This fantasy is probably one of

the most common out there.”

Some people see these relationships as unhealthy for both men and women. Doesn’t that run counter to the messages we receive about male ownership, patriarchy, and paternity?

There are many theories. My favorite is sperm competition theory, which basically states human mate competition is not performed at the organism level (human males fighting with other human males for a human female), but actually at the gamete level (sperm fighting with other sperm for an egg).

Thus, this theory suggests males would actually want to have sex with a female who has just had sex with other males in order to give their sperm a chance at impregnating her.

Another theory, proposed by Dan Savage, suggests this turn-on is actually the fear of cheating becoming eroticized.

Most of the new readers to my blog have arrived there because they were searching for things like “hotwifing,” “hotwife lifestyle” and “hotwife,” and my most popular posts are those on the subject.

Subreddits formed around the topic are flooded with conversation. Fetlife groups that cater to the community are huge.

Search the M4MW on any dating personals site and you’ll likely see a sizable group of people looking for encounters. Hotwife and cuckold porn are also common.

I think it’s taboo for men to admit they are turned on thinking about their girlfriends or wives having sex with someone else. Common worries, fears and questions I have heard include, “Does it mean they are less of a man? Or they have penis envy? Or they are gay?”

Breaking down those fears means breaking down cultural messages and assumptions related to gender identity, sexual orientation and patriarchy.

Similarly, it may be difficult for women to understand a male partner’s fascination with hotwifing or cuckolding, especially if she adheres to messages related to monogamy.

In any case, if you are turned on thinking about a partner of yours getting it on with another guy, please know you are not alone!

I think this fantasy and turn-on is probably one of the most common out there, and it is possible to explore it safely (emotionally, physically, sexually) both in your imagination and with a willing partner. You just have to communicate your needs and let go of your inhibitions.