Become A More Available Dater

Women's Dating

5 Ways to Become a More Available Dater

Rachel Dack

Written by: Rachel Dack

Rachel Dack

Rachel Dack is a licensed clinical professional counselor (LCPC) and relationship coach specializing in individual and couples psychotherapy. Rachel's areas of expertise include relationships, dating, mindfulness, anxiety, depression and self-esteem.

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Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement. She has worked at The Atlanta Journal and Constitution, The Gwinnett Daily News, and The Gainesville Sun covering lifestyle topics.

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My previous article

discussed five signs that you are an unavailable dater. These include:

  1. A perception that there are no available men or all of the “good guys” are taken
  2. A lack of interest in men who treat you right
  3. A disconnect between your actions and values about dating
  4. A lack of effort and time for dating
  5. A persistent fear that holds you back from connecting with men

To determine what might be interfering with your openness in the dating and relationship world, see which behaviors and thought patterns resonate with you.

Building awareness about your own availability is the first step to changing your patterns into actions that let love in.

Through greater understanding, you will be able to turn away from blaming all men for an individual man’s behavior, have a more open mind and heart, as well as utilize strategies that increase your availability. These shifts allow dating to be more fun and satisfying.

Here are 5 tips to increase your dating availability:

1. Open Up Your Mind And Heart

Confront rigid beliefs about yourself and others, and let your mind conceive alternate realities. For example, if you believe men are untrustworthy, your behavior will mirror this belief, keeping you closed off and guarded throughout the dating process.

While there are absolutely some untrustworthy men out there, it is not true that all men are like that — despite what your mind wants you to believe.

Change beliefs that keep you unavailable by identifying them, focusing on the good (“There are many wonderful and trustworthy men” or “I deserve a trustworthy man”) and catching your mind when it brings you back to old cognitive patterns.

When your mind fixates on a belief that does not serve you well, acknowledge it and offer it a healthier replacement thought. Believing that there are great, available men changes your energy and behavior, furthering your own availability and opening up your heart.

2. Develop a Healthy Relationship with Yourself

You may be thinking, “How can I be worthy of love if the men I get involved with treat me poorly, cheat on me or never want me as their girlfriend?”

The truth is, you are worthy of love no matter how you have been treated before. In fact, believing you are deserving of love sets the bar for how men will treat you.

If you feel unworthy, desperate or scared, you are more likely to allow men to treat you badly.

On the other hand, an increased sense of worthiness makes you available for the right men and weeds out the others who do not see your worth. This becomes their loss and not yours, creating greater openness for you to connect with the “good guys.”

Build your self-esteem by treating yourself with kindness and love, developing your strengths and passions and engaging in well-balanced self-care.

3. Leave the Past Behind You

Let go of any mistakes you have made in previous relationships and any sadness, toxicity and anger you feel toward men you were once involved with.

Work to forgive yourself for any actions or behaviors that have held you back from love and leave self-loathing and judgment behind.

The past does not matter unless you lead with it and cling to it tightly. Your ability to be present in the moment is by far one of the most important ways to be a more available dater as connection occurs.

If you are stuck in the past or holding on to resentment, you cannot truly be open to men now. Bring an open heart and mind on each date.

4. Balance Your Dating Life with Other Important Aspects

You have to give to your love life in order for it to be rewarding.  If your life is out of balance (for example, you are constantly working), you will naturally have less energy and time to devote to dating.

Time management is not about perfect equality — it is about being mindful to ensure that you have resources for all of your goals and values.

If you find yourself in workaholic-mode, deepen your understanding of what being fully immersed in work protects you from and how it hinders you.

If you discover that it makes you unavailable for a relationship or protects you from living out your fear of rejection, take baby steps to spend more time on dating.

5. Take Action Toward Love

Forming a healthy relationship takes more than just saying yes to dates. It encompasses being present and in the moment (not stuck in the past or anxious about the future) and open to the experience of dating.

It involves taking emotional risks with men who are emotionally and physically stable and tolerating the ebbs and flows that arise throughout the dating process.

If you are prone to dating several men at once, involved with an ex without a true intention of committing to anyone or engaging in other behaviors that keep you single, jump out of your comfort zone and date like a woman who is ready and open to falling in love with the right man.

Keeping men you are not interested in around for attention or sex may distract you from the struggles you face as a single woman. However, these very behaviors leave little room for you to connect with a great guy you could have a future with.

Consider how an empowered woman who is looking for a serious relationship would date and model this behavior in your own dating life.

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