Doc Love’s Advice for Men: Don’t Be a Toddler With Ms. Right

What is one of the defining behaviors of toddlers? Lack of impulse control. They want, so they grab. And that’s okay because, well, they are toddlers. They don’t know any better and need adults to guide them.

A mature man should know better. Yet some guys start acting like a toddler in their relationships. How does a person act like a toddler when it comes to dating and relationships?  I believe there are three key ways.

The average toddler doesn’t have a filter. They’re run by their emotions. They say what’s on their mind even if it’s hurtful to others. Ask yourself: Is that how you are with your partner? Are you constantly talking about your exes, negative feelings, setbacks, bad news, and whatever else is aggravating you?  

Here’s the deal: She wants to have fun on a date! She doesn’t want to date a downer. I teach men in my book “The System/Dating Dictionary” to filter out negativity on dates (and in basically every interaction with her) and stay positive as much as possible. Keep it light, keep it funny, no heavy subjects, no negatives, no put-downs.

Is patience a hallmark of toddlers? Think about the average toddler at a grocery store when they’re made to put the candy back. Does that situation work out well? I think you can answer that.  

Guys can be the same way when denied their sweetheart sometimes. What if she can’t see you this weekend? You may not break down in tears, turn red and stamp your feet like our friend in aisle two, but the adult version of this can be just as upsetting and disruptive. 

Perhaps you go passive-aggressive on her and make her feel guilty. While you’re in the dating phase, some broken dates can be dealbreakers, but if she has a legitimate excuse and wants to continue the relationship, your reaction shouldn’t be that of a pouty child. She will look at you like you are a toddler once you try to make her feel guilty that she had to work and you really wanted to see her.

Toddlers do and say anything without worrying about how it will impact their relationships and social standing — consequences are not a concept they grasp! However, daters should know that their relationships are not something to take for granted. Ms. Right is not your best buddy that you’ve had since 8th grade nor is she your loyal pooch willing to wag her tail until you get out of that sour mood.  

In fact, I believe that a relationship with a woman is more like your relationship with a cat. Cats are capable of great affection, but their love is conditional. OK, and let’s get this out of the way: I’m not comparing women to animals! This comparison is about relationship dynamics. A woman’s interest level (a degree of love I discuss in my book) can be raised or lowered depending on your actions and communication with her.

That interest level depends on you. So you can’t just say anything, do anything, and stop working on yourself and the relationship, and expect to have her feelings stay high for you.  

If I could sum up this article in a few key takeaways, I would say that you get what you give in relationships. If you want a self-reliant woman with integrity, you need to show the same self-reliance and integrity. Always work on you and continue to improve with or without her.

Make sure she associates you with fun in your interactions. No, you do not have to be a clown, but remember that dating is supposed to be fun. Whether you are on date 5 or date 155, that time together is a chance to get away from all the stresses of real life and take a few hours to laugh and play. If you aren’t willing to do that, what is the point? It’s not like you need to date to pay your rent! You are supposed to want to date and always make sure dating is fun!

Also remember that she owes you nothing — just as you owe her nothing — you both are choosing to be with each other. And life can get in the way. One of the things I ask guys to look for in a woman is a flexible personality. Go watch some Cary Grant movies if you need a guide. That guy never got rattled in front of a woman, and I want you to be like that. Your temporary passive-aggressive behavior may feel good at the time, like eating a big piece of pie. But then you feel like crap after the sugar high wears off and you are left with her never looking at you the same again (in a bad way).

A mature guy who has interests and ambitions in life beyond finding a woman is most attractive. No woman wants to feel as if you are totally dependent on her for your happiness. That has to come from within, my friend.

Remember guys, once she looks at you like you are a toddler you are out of luck!