Ben sat across from Dave at the fancy restaurant where they were meeting for the first time to have a romantic candlelit dinner after weeks of corresponding on a dating app.
Gripped with anxiety, Ben’s mind began swirling with negative thoughts about what Dave might be thinking of him. Ben felt his date was out of his league. He had a hard time keeping eye contact. He started glancing at other handsome men in the vicinity.
The couple of hits he’d taken on his vape pen beforehand weren’t taking the edge off Ben’s nervousness.
He started talking rapidly and peppering his date with questions.
He led with questions about Dave’s sexual preferences. He shared stories about relationships “gone wrong” in his past. Dave wasn’t saying much back, looking like a deer in headlights, which fueled Ben’s fears that the date wasn’t going very well.
So he filled the silences with even more chatter, including information about his family’s mental health history and the aches he was experiencing in his knees and back.
Dave never called him again after that. How many first date mistakes can you spot in this fictional scenario?
As a therapist, I’ve seen and heard it all. Here are some of the common date mistakes guys make on first dates.
1. Being Distracted
When we’re nervous, our bodies go into an instinctual fight-or-flight response as part of the nervous system’s hardwired mechanism to protect us from a perceived threat. As such, our minds go “offline” as the body marshals up all the energy reserves it has to protect us — even from non-life-threatening situations such as a first date.
This means that your cognitive functions, including insight, judgment, and problem-solving capabilities, will be compromised to some degree.
Normative side effects may include difficulty concentrating and racing thoughts. That internal process could be distracting you from being available here and now with your date.
It could hamper your ability to use good social skills, listen well, or communicate effectively.
We can also become distracted by things in the environment or by our cell phones. Our eyes may wander away, which could be interpreted as disrespectful and rude.
The antidote is to practice the fine art of mindfulness.
Mindfulness means being fully present in the moment. You’re attuned to what’s being said (meaning you’re actively listening), and you’re responding without subterfuge. You’re focusing your attention to make your date feel seen, heard, and known.
Be focused and centered on your date. It isn’t just respectful…it’s ultimately validating.
2. Introducing the Topic of Sex Prematurely
If your motive for the first date is developing a meaningful, intimate relationship (versus purely a hookup), leading with inquiries about sexual tastes and preferences might be self-sabotaging.
I know you may want to get to the “good stuff” – particularly when he’s looking so hot sitting across from you. But a foundation hasn’t been established yet. Trust hasn’t been established yet.
Talking about sex too early shows you are prioritizing the physical. You’re dismissing other important qualities that have more depth and substance. You don’t want him to think you’re looking at him solely as a sex object.
Gay culture tends to sexualize male-to-male relating, so it’s easy to fall into this trap. Screening for sexual compatibility is important, but allow for a more holistic getting-to-know-you process before launching into sex talk.
What are some of your other important personal requirements and non-negotiables for a partner? Clarify your values and lead with these in a playful, flirtatious way as you build up to sexual questions in a sort of verbal foreplay.
3. Revealing Too Much Personal Information
Dating is a gradual process of getting to know someone to gauge compatibility. It is not a therapy session. I suggest revealing aspects of your personal history in small doses, particularly around sensitive or vulnerable topics.
You do not want to overwhelm someone with too much information too early. You need to ensure this person is a trustworthy and safe confidant first.
Ask yourself these questions:
- Will this man honor what I share without judgment?
- Will he keep it confidential?
- Is there a healthy balance of sharing so it’s not one-sided?
Reveal things over a series of dates, not all at once on a first date. And be sure to prioritize the “must-knows” to allow the person the opportunity to determine compatibility.
Aim to share the essentials that impact your daily life – like if you’re sober or have a family situation that’s out of the ordinary – and tell just enough so you’re not leading them on with a false impression after they’ve invested their hearts into connecting with you.
4. Meeting for Dinner or a Movie
I think it’s best to avoid meeting at date spots where you’re trapped and unable to leave at will.
Even though there may seem to be chemistry online, this does not mean it will translate when in person.
If the vibe is off and you’re stuck in the middle of a five-course meal at a restaurant, it can make for an uncomfortable situation. To say the least.
Another big downer is that venues like movie theatres and noisy bars don’t allow for much interaction. Sometimes you can’t even hear each other talk.
Prioritize the conversation on a first date. Communicating is essential to screen for compatibility and figure out if you want to go on a second date.
Having a short, structured first date is preferable. Think about doing something action-oriented like miniature golf or a wine tasting. These things give couples something to talk about, maybe get a little playful or introspective, and you’re not locked into spending more than an hour or so together.
In my experience, some of the best dates are off the beaten path, maybe literally! Going for a walk in nature or trying to figure out an escape room together might help break the ice.
Avoid These Pitfalls & Start Getting More Second Dates
Moral of the story: Don’t be like Ben. Don’t let your worries get you in your head and make you act out in unfortunate ways. These first date mistakes don’t have to trip you up.
First dates can be exciting, filled with positive anticipation, hope, and possibility. They can also bring up old wounds from our attachment histories. Anxiety, rejection sensitivity, and all sorts of self-defeating behaviors can sabotage a good thing before it’s even had a chance to get off the ground.
Harness your emotions and be fully present in the moment, and you’ll have a better chance of a successful first meeting.
