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The date was perfect — a romantic dinner, a walk through the park under the twinkling stars and conversation where you seemed to finish each other’s sentences.
But when he dropped you at your apartment, his lingering goodnight kiss progressed into groping below the neck.
Being the smart, coy flirt that you are, you giggled, removed his hand from your breast and sweetly said, “Not yet.”
Then you gave him one final kiss. That’s where the date should have ended in your mind — with exciting expectations for future dates that could progress into a real relationship.
He became angry. He called you a tease. He left abruptly and hasn’t called back.
You rack your brain for what you did wrong. It was only the third date and you are the kind of woman who prefers not to expose your blood stream and eggs to a man until you can trust him.
You know the tenants of slow love. And you’re pretty sure he is dating you because he wants a girlfriend, not a hookup.
The conversation was clearly geared toward mutual life commonalities.
“A woman should never have sex
until she is emotionally ready.”
The answer is no.
A woman should never have sex until she is emotionally (and physically) ready and close enough with a man to have conversations about STDs and birth control.
Sex, love, and commitment are one big negotiation, and men can sometimes be first-class negotiators when it comes to obtaining sex. These men don’t respect boundaries and not worth giving into.
There are a couple things women can do to politely say no to sex and preserve a budding relationship.
Sandra Metts, whose work at Illinois State University focuses on sexual communication, says:
“My advice to young women who want to be polite to a potential partner is to say ‘no’ very directly and then to move away from the intimate context. Literally stand up, move across the room or ask to be taken home.
It is a misperception a man’s feelings will be hurt or he will feel discounted if his date refuses to have sex. No detailed explanation is necessary, but if one is given, it must be clear.
To simply say, ‘I am not ready yet,’ can be interpreted as, ‘I will be ready for sex in about five minutes.’ A better statement is, ‘I do not want to have sex. I am not being coy and am not playing a game. I do not want to have sex,'” she said.
Following Dr. Metts’ advice, let’s relive the ending of your third date.
Unknowingly, you gave your man false hope that he would obtain sex by doing three things:
You might have triggered some frustration without the mitigation of words or actions that would help him understand where you are and how you feel.
By explaining to him you understand his feelings and didn’t mean to mislead him. You may need to have a serious discussion about your needs and expectations versus his needs and expectations. You should be 100% clothed for this discussion.
In fact, Dr. Metts suggests you avoid intimate contact until you can have a conversation about the aftermath of sex with your partner.
“It may be awkward to have the ‘What are we?’ conversation, but in the long term, it will prevent hurt, embarrassment and lingering negative feelings about relationship trust and stability,” Metts said.
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