When Group Sex Sucks

Women's Dating

When Group Sex Sucks

Katie B.

Written by: Katie B.

Katie B.

Katie B. has a MPH in health promotion and has plans to complete a master's degree in marriage and family therapy. You can read more about Katie B's journey in an open relationship at sexualityreclaimed.com.

Edited by: Lillian Castro

Lillian Castro

Lillian Guevara-Castro brings more than 30 years of journalism experience to ensure DatingAdvice articles and reports have been edited for overall clarity, accuracy, and reader engagement.

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Sometimes group sex experiences are amazing and mind-blowing and way more fun than watching “Batman.”

But sometimes they are boring, uncomfortable or stressful.

I’m going to shed some light on some of my experiences. (Make sure to look at some of my awesome threesome experiences, too!)

Most of my negative experiences with group sex have resulted from feeling uncomfortable with something or being left out or threatened and not speaking up about it.

So even though I didn’t say anything verbally, J. could always tell by my energy, body language and facial expressions, which would make him really uncomfortable.

Without communicating properly, assertively and in the moment, I have had several less-than-ideal group sex experiences.

That being said, each and every one has taught me something about myself and what kind of support I need.

These experiences have also given me a chance to reflect on what I want and how I need to communicate it.

1. Boring.

Boring group sex happens when you’re just not that into it – when doing something else (like watching a movie) sounds more fun.

For me, this happens when I don’t feel much chemistry with another person or if they are more into their own partner than exploring something with me.

J. has also experienced this.

Group sex can still be fun and arousing if I can play with J. more of the time than with the lukewarm partner, but it gets complicated if J. and the other person have great chemistry and I have almost none with the lukewarm partner (or, if it’s in a threesome, if J. has great chemistry with the third person and I don’t have a ton).

“I really enjoy lighthearted, playful and

adventurous group sex encounters.”

2. Uncomfortable.

When feelings of discomfort arise for me during group sex, it’s usually because I feel left out or excluded.

Usually this is related to feeling like J. wouldn’t care either way if I was there (which isn’t true, but it is the feeling that comes up for me).

It can be really hard for me to communicate these feelings without bringing the mood down.

One strategy I try to employ is to say dirty things like, “Ooo, I think that is so hot. I want to kiss you. Can I go down on you?” to help myself reintegrate into the situation.

Simply touching J. or the other person can help me feel reconnected. Looking J. in the eyes and telling him I love him, and hearing from him that he loves me, is also helpful.

3 Stressful.

Stressful group sex should not be something anyone goes through. Group sex, in my opinion, should be fun, connecting, positive, exploratory and exciting.

However, I have intentionally put myself in group sex situations that are stressful, with the hopes the experiences will end up being positive.

When J. has had great chemistry with someone, but I have a different level of chemistry with that person’s partner, I have entered those situations without getting my feelings of exclusion resolved.

This means those negative feelings can fester and build up, resulting in stressful and emotionally explosive situations for everyone involved. Icky.

Try your best to communicate about what you need so you don’t go through this.

Again, while going through negative experiences isn’t ideal, they taught me things about myself that I may have never realized if I had only positive experiences.

For example, I know now that:

I would rather not have group sex if there are drastically different levels of attraction and chemistry present within the group.

I have a hard time communicating about what I need. This is a pattern of mine with a long history and it will take time and much effort to change it.

If I am going to have group sex, I prefer fluid and dynamic group sex, not “partner swapping.”

I really enjoy light-hearted, playful and adventurous group sex encounters, where people laugh and joke and communication is fun.

Deeply emotional and romantic sexual encounters are more comfortable for me one on one (so far, anyway).

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