“No unicorn hunters!” You may have seen this written on dating app bios — and indeed, I’ve seen clients come to me dejected because they feel like they’ll never be able to fulfill their threesome fantasies.
In some cases, they feel rejected or like their desire to have a queer sexual experience with a woman in a threesome is invalidated.
In reality, people’s disinterest in being “unicorns” likely isn’t a referendum on you — it mostly speaks to the loaded ways in which “unicorn hunting” has been deployed in the dating scene.
What’s a Unicorn?
As a slang term, a “unicorn” refers to a very specific type of person in the dating world. It’s a bisexual woman, attracted to both men and women, who wants to join an existing male/female couple for anything from a one-time threesome to an ongoing relationship.
The reference to a mythical creature refers to both how rare it’s considered to actually find this type of person. In some ways, it refers more to a fantasy than a consistently real dating phenomenon.
The term dates back to the swinger culture of the early 2000s. The fantasy of a sexually available bisexual woman who was equally interested in both members of a male/female couple was highly desirable but understood to be unlikely in real life.
What’s a Unicorn Hunter?
It follows, then, that “unicorn hunting” is when an established male/female couple is looking for a unicorn, often on a dating app.
These hetero couples intend on having a threesome with her or adding her as a third to their existing relationship. It may be that the woman in the existing relationship is bisexual and attracted to women, or it could be that she’s interested in having a threesome with a woman as a new experience and to titillate her husband.
The existing relationship dynamic might already be polyamorous, swinger-identified, or non-monogamous, but the existing couple could also be monogamous and looking to have a threesome for the first time.
Why Might People React Poorly to Unicorn Hunting?
Fantasies are complicated. Everyone has sexual fantasies, and they’re healthy and appropriate to experience both alone and as part of a couple. But moving a sexual fantasy to the realm of real life is tricky.
In a fantasy, everyone can exist as a one-dimensional, convenient version of themselves, existing for only as long and only in as much detail as it takes to have an orgasm.
In real life, people are much more complex. Sexually active adults have needs, wants, and concerns that we have to take seriously if we’re going to be intimate with them.
I’ll give you an example. A sexy nurse fantasy is all about the uniform and twisting the idea of a medical exam into something naughty. But the reality of dating a nurse in real life means dealing with their long, punishing hours and the emotional burnout of handling serious issues day after day.
In the same way, while the fantasy of a hot, sexually insatiable bisexual woman is a turn-on for many people, moving this fantasy to the real world requires contending with the lived experiences and full, three-dimensional lives of bisexual women as they actually exist.
Not everyone does this successfully, and part of the lived experiences of bisexual women is that they’re often fetishized and imagined reductively as hypersexual stereotypes rather than real people.
Most bisexual women are looking for the same thing straight and gay people are looking for: a fulfilling romantic relationship, often serious or monogamous.
It’s demoralizing for them to swipe through dozens of profiles wanting to fulfill a sexual fantasy that hinges on a stereotype.
You’re hoping to find someone to take home to meet your family for Christmas, and they’re hoping you’re open to a quickie at a birthday party.
Even for people who are open to the unicorn experience, they may find inconsiderate unicorn hunters treat them like a fetish.
Couples can forget their desired third is a real person, focusing entirely on what the unicorn hunters find hot about the situation rather than addressing the unicorn’s wants or needs at all.
They’re wrongly assuming that bi women are inherently hypersexual and are down for any sexual encounter, no questions asked.
What Should You Avoid When Unicorn Hunting?
Unicorn hunting isn’t inherently bad — it just needs to be approached with respect and care for the women you’re interested in.
Have an awareness of their agency. Make sure you avoid the following harmful behaviors when looking to meet a unicorn:
Don’t Assume They’re Into It
Don’t approach someone for a unicorn experience if they aren’t indicating that they’re open to one.
Just knowing a woman is bisexual isn’t a reason to think she might be interested in having sex, let alone engage in a threesome.
There are swinger parties and poly dating apps dedicated to these types of connections, where you can be more forward. But it’s still never a good idea to assume someone is a “sure thing.”
Don’t Assume They’re Into You
Now let’s say you met a bisexual woman who says she is looking for polyamory or threesomes.
You still can’t assume they’re interested in exploring with you and your partner just because they are indicating they’re open to being a unicorn.
It’s just like how a woman being interested in men doesn’t mean she’s interested in all men. She gets to choose who she wants to date and who she doesn’t. The woman you’re interested in has her own tastes and needs she’s trying to get met; she isn’t sexually available to anyone and everyone.
Don’t Make Sex Your Opener
It’s a common mistake to get too sexual too soon. Don’t lead with explicit sexual comments or descriptions of your fantasies — yes, even if you’re on a hookup site.
A compliment is fine, and if the woman you’re talking to takes things in a flirtatious direction, you can certainly respond — but bisexual women are often fetishized and hypersexualized, and it’s best to speak to her with respect and deference to the fact that you’re still strangers to each other. After all, matching on an app isn’t an agreement to have sex.
Don’t Be a Creep!
You don’t have to memorize a complicated set of rules to unicorn hunt without offending or causing harm. Just remember to treat your potential dates like full people and show them basic respect in your communication.
How to Seek a Third in a Respectful, Ethical Way
In many respects, dating to find a unicorn isn’t really all that different from regular dating. Try using these strategies to meet the unicorn of your dreams respectfully and ethically.
- Be Respectful. Approach someone you’re interested in as a person first, offering to meet for drinks and get to know them before asking about their sexual interests or leading with yours. Even if you’re just looking for a one-time threesome, being treated like a fantasy is usually only hot after someone has established some rapport and trust.
- Be Clear. Think about your desires, and clearly communicate what you and your partner are bringing to the table, rather than just what you’re looking for in a unicorn or a sexual experience. Even if she shares the same fantasy, you and your partner aren’t inherently desirable to her. Let her know if she can expect you to wine and dine her, take her on cute dates, or make her the focus of sexual attention (rather than expecting her to service you).
- Be Real. Have an honest conversation about what you’re looking for in this dynamic. Make sure everyone is on the same page. If one person is looking for a hot one-night stand and someone else is hoping this could turn into a relationship, there’s potential for miscommunication and hurt. If you are looking for a relationship, what do you want that to look like? Talking about this ahead of time will set you up for success.
Although unicorns can seem extremely rare — as the name suggests — it’s far from impossible to find someone hot, fun, and interested in the exact same sexual experience you are.
Lead with respect, openness, and mindfulness for the other person’s experience, and you’ll be off to a great start.
