Dating after divorce can be like opening a can of worms and going fishing for a good time. Only to hook a catfish. I get that it’s a little scary at first.
Opening yourself up again after you’ve gone through a painful divorce takes real guts. Many women feel like they go backward in time when they date after divorce, reverting to the age they were when they got married.
If you’re in your 50s but got married in your 20s, you may feel like you’re in your 20s again. And if it’s been a few decades since you were single, the dating landscape is definitely very different! Maybe the apps are completely new to you.
As a therapist who has worked with hundreds of women navigating divorce, I’ve seen some successful post-divorce dating stories and a few disastrous outcomes.
These are the seven biggest mistakes I see women make when it comes to dating.
1. Repeating Old Patterns
I know what it’s like to meet someone who reminds you of an old love. It’s familiar. It’s comforting. It’s also a big trap in the divorced dating landscape.
If your current date reminds you of your ex, remember that your marriage didn’t work out for a reason (sorry to be blunt, but it’s true). It might be the same story with this new guy if you’re repeating the same ol’ patterns.
Pause to reflect on if your new relationship feels eerily familiar, and if so, whether this kind of relationship dynamic is good or bad for you.
My take on it is: Just because it feels familiar doesn’t mean it’s healthy.
2. Dating Someone Who Is the Polar Opposite of Your Ex
Unless your ex was a serial killer, they probably had some good qualities. They may have been emotionally unavailable, but they always did the dishes at the end of the day, or they made sure to bring your favorite candy bar home whenever they stopped for gas.
Maybe they lied to you, but you still appreciated their intelligence or focus on health, and want those qualities in a partner.
Beware of looking for someone who is a carbon copy of your ex, but also be wary of overcorrecting by choosing someone completely different.
3. Prioritizing Chemistry Over Substance
This isn’t a priority for everyone. If you are looking for a casual, short-term relationship, feel free to prioritize sexual chemistry over everything else.
But if you want a relationship that lasts, it’s important to feel passion as well as alignment on important personal values.
Being great in bed but lousy at honesty, responsibility, and reliability could make for a fun night or two, but you’ll need a person with solid character traits if you want a sustainable long-term relationship.
Make sure you don’t get so blinded by chemistry that you ignore potential red flags.
Conversely, someone with a great résumé, but no spark is probably not a good fit either.
4. Dating Someone’s Potential
Do you have a history of picking fixer-uppers? Are you a little too hopeful about people’s ability to change? Do you see potential in everyone?
Be careful not to date someone’s potential rather than who they actually are. It’s not your job to rehabilitate the world one bad date at a time.
Pay close attention not only to what your date says but also to what they do. While you will never find someone who is 100% perfect, don’t settle this time around.
5. Introducing Kids Too Early
It takes a long time to get to know someone. I’m talking months of fun dates and good conversations. Only then will you know if the feelings are real enough to take a big step forward.
Enjoy adult dating without kids being involved during the early stages.
It is not healthy for kids to meet multiple short-term partners, so wait until you think your relationship has lasting power before you bring the kids into it.
Take time to get to know your date before you do any introductions.
6. Sharing Too Much Too Soon
Try not to spend your first dates with a new person talking endlessly about your divorce or your children.
It’s crucial to be honest about the status of your divorce and being a parent, but you don’t need to share all the messy details right away. Instead, talk about the work you do, books and movies you like, where you grew up, and your hobbies and interests.
Ask plenty of questions as you get to know each other.
7. Obsessing on Whether Your Date Likes You
It is vitally important that you date someone you like, rather than focusing solely on whether they like you.
Don’t present a false narrative for the sake of wanting to be liked. You need to be your authentic self and put the “cool girl” mask down.
Too many women fall into the trap of trying to get their date to like them without fully considering how much they like their date.
Next thing you know, you’re spending so much energy pretending to enjoy football and making yourself miserable for a guy who is just too sporty for your tastes.
You Are Ready to Go
Dating post-divorce isn’t all that tough if you know what mistakes to avoid. Next time you’re on the apps, keep these tips in mind as you chat people up. I encourage you to keep an open mind. Be selective, but not too picky.
Remember, in the early days of dating, the only thing you need to decide is whether you want to see the person again. You don’t have to decide if your parents (or kids) would approve, whether to move in together, or if you want to get married again. You just need to know if you want to go out one more time.
If you approach dating with the mindset that you will either have a good date or a good story, it will make it more enjoyable.
