What Is Learned Helplessness – and How Does It Affect Attraction?

Oh, sweet love! So pure. So innocent. From romance novels to romantic comedies, love seems to be a cure-all. 

Sometimes I wish love were actually about finding happiness and pleasure. Sadly, love is more likely to be about finding the familiar. 

Depending on one’s childhood circumstances, that familiar feeling of love may be laced with pleasure, or it may be bound by a lot of pain.

There’s a concept in psychology, first identified in the 1960s, called “learned helplessness.” Originally, it was discovered in animals that were abused. Later, when they had an opportunity to be free, they never escaped. 

Years later, it was discovered that children, either through trauma or through permissive love from their parents, somehow learned to be helpless. 

Adults with “learned helplessness” believe escape or self-improvement is pointless. 

People who fall into the trap of “learned helplessness” tend to be passive and not try to improve their situation. They often believe they are incapable of success or change, and they tend to be highly pessimistic and expect the worst to happen. 

Not surprisingly, many people who suffer from “learned helplessness” also suffer from depression.

Let’s talk about how that plays out in romantic relationships. There are two kinds of personalities that partners with “learned helplessness,” most often attract. 

The first one may seem benign on the surface because they are such a kindhearted, helpful person. That would be the caretaking partner who needs to feel validated by rescuing someone else. 

This person may actually have a diagnosable disorder, called “dependent personality disorder,” or more subtly, they may just have a strong desire to heal, fix, or save someone else. 

It sounds like a match made in heaven, right? 

One person needs care. The other person gets self-esteem through caregiving. 

At the beginning, this can feel like true love, a match made in heaven. But eventually, it can become a codependent and toxic situation when nobody can remember whose problem is whose — where individual identities are prevented from growing. 

The truth is that each partner may be reliving unresolved traumas from their own parent-child relationship in early life. 

Eventually, this relationship can become emotionally draining, and resentment can build up.

The other person someone with “learned helplessness” might attract is a narcissistic manipulator. 

Remember, somebody with “learned helplessness” doubts their own ability to survive without somebody. They often don’t trust their own feelings. 

This is an excellent human hunting ground for the narcissistic manipulator who craves control, power, and domination. 

These dangerous partners may criticize to erode their partner’s self-esteem further. They may gaslight their partner, who already doesn’t trust their own feelings. And they may withhold affection to manipulate somebody. 

For the helpless partner, this can create a cycle of depression, low self-esteem, and ultimately a loss of identity. 

Worst of all, their partner has conditioned them to believe that nothing better exists for them, so they feel trapped.

So what’s the solution? First of all, if someone feels deep emotional pain — in any relationship — they should immediately seek therapy with a licensed therapist. (Don’t be afraid to ask what their license is and what kind of therapy they practice!) 

If you feel you are “walking on eggshells” or the primary feeling you have in your relationship is confusion rather than happiness, there is much to talk about in therapy. 

Real love is not confusing. 

Real love provides feelings of safety, trust, and security. If you recognize yourself as a person who may have aspects of “learned helplessness,” working with a licensed therapist can help create major permanent personality change, and ultimately set you free.