5 Signs You’re an Unavailable Dater

Take a pause to appreciate all of the wonderful, trustworthy, honest, intelligent, funny AND, most importantly, available men out there. Soak in the reality that these men do exist and one can be yours.

You might have a number of reactions to this exercise, such as:

“No way!” “How can I be grateful if I haven’t met any?” “What’s there to appreciate when I’m still single?”

Or:

“Yes, that is true.” “I am willing to appreciate and acknowledge that these men do exist regardless of my relationships status.”

Your view of men greatly influences how you relate to them, how willing you are to invite them into your life and how available you will be for a great potential partner. If your answer was a “no way,” this article was written for you!

I often hear my single female clients fixate on thoughts like “There are no good guys left,” but they forget to look within. A common response to dating difficulties is to point fingers and assign blame to others rather than to take on the somewhat painful and uncomfortable journey of self-awareness and ownership of your role. I understand that it feels easier to blame the men and label them as unavailable. However, this just amplifies the problem.

Believing that there are available men is essential to your dating life. In fact, thinking the opposite is not only a flawed thought process, but it’s also a huge hindrance to your own availability and readiness for love.

Relationships are mirrors: the energy you put out is what you will attract back. In dating, you attract who you are and not necessarily the type of man you want. Therefore, believing that there are no available men actually makes you unavailable yourself.

In fact, you can date day in and day out, say yes to every man who asks you out, let your friends set you up, hire a dating coach and the whole shebang, but if you are not available for love, it will not exist in your life.

The belief that all of the good guys are taken, all men are scared of commitment or something of the sort is one example of your own unavailability. These beliefs also impede your ability to look for red flags and determine a man’s true readiness for love if you are already cynical and biased. How can a potential partner stand a chance if you harbor hatred toward men or don’t trust their intentions?

Here are five other common signals that suggest you are an unavailable dater:

You resist the men who are available, interested in you and pursuing you. These are the men who actually pick up the phone (this is a major sign of availability and also the gentlemanly thing to do), act in accordance with their values, keep their word, make time for you and continue to ask you out.

You shy away from this type of guy and tend to go for the ones who only text you or go MIA. You also tend to quickly take them back after they disappear. In turn, you give up on the relationship or guy once the chase is over, blocking an available man from becoming your boyfriend.

You have multiple men in your life and none are able to satisfy you. You are constantly waiting for someone better to come along while keeping a string of men in your life or staying involved with toxic exes.

You love the idea of “dating as a game” and view dates as free dinners and drinks (ouch!) as opposed to opportunities to build connection and romance.

You say you are looking for love, but you engage in behaviors that suggest otherwise. Some might include constant one-night stands, friends with benefits arrangements and saying no to everyone who asks you out.

You are unwilling to take the necessary steps to allow dating to result in an exclusive relationship by avoiding dialogues about the future of the relationship with a guy you are dating, refusing to invite him into your life and hiding him from your friends and family.

You are completely immersed in one or more aspects of your life, leaving little time, energy and patience for a relationship and the efforts dating and relationships entail.

You might be a workaholic and leave little room for down time and dating. You might be overly involved in a hobby, have a jam-packed social life or be glued to your friends, family or phone.

Your fears, insecurities and lack of confidence are dictating your love life. You feel undeserving of a great guy, causing you to protect yourself with walls, reject him before he rejects you and sabotage any chance for a healthy relationship.

Fear is at the forefront of your mind, interfering with your ability to be vulnerable and connect with a man. While you feel ready for love, there is a lack of emotional availability because your heart is not fully open.

Stay tuned for part two on how to become a more available dater and five tips to increase your availability.